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December 4, 2012
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Not sure if my feelings are "wrong", or how to stop feeling this way.

:iconsilverhyacinth:
silverHyacinth Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Well about two months ago my younger sister told my parents that she had been raped/molested by our brother. After my mother found that out, she asked me if I'd ever been raped/molested, I told her "no" but I was lying, and she could tell. So my mother told my father, and they called the cops. They also asked if either of us (my sister or me) would be willing to press charges. I told her no, my sister said yes, so she's pressing charges and my brother might go to jail.

Now this is the problem, I love my older brother and I don't want him to go to jail. I'm much more angry with my mother and sister than I ever was with him. I actually haven't even spoken about the actual incident, they just know it happened. I don't know why I'm not angry with him, I guess I've just forgiven him. I assume that I probably shouldn't feel this way, but I don't how to stop. I mean, my whole family has turned against him. I feel like they're wrong, but I also feel like I'm wrong.
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Devious Comments

:iconpuppy-dangerous:
puppy-dangerous Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2012  Professional Artisan Crafter
Here's the thing-

It's OK to forgive him. It's OK to be OK, if you really are OK.

But it is NOT Ok to NOT prosecute him.

Because he's going to go out and do it to somebody else. And somebody ELSE. And eventually he becomes a serial rapist and is either in jail at a later time or dead at the hands of the police or a would-be victim.

Even if YOU don't need help, HE does. If you love him you're going to get him help.
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:iconsolum-ipsum:
Solum-Ipsum Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
First and foremost: this is an opinion. I am neither a psychiatrist, nor a lawyer – not even American. Please read my written thoughts with a grain of salt, because it is full of assumptions, which may be totally false. Please remember this, and by reading other responses too, draw your own conclusion.

I don't know what he did to either you or your sister, but I would bring your family's attention to the possibility that your brother would be at the absolute bottom of the prison hierarchy: He would be probably treated the same way as pedophile rapists. It might become a death sentence for him, especially considering that his family has most likely disowned him, so he might have no life to return to, unless he already has his own elsewhere, of course.

However, you must also see that your brother committed treason and abuse of power against his own family, so he does deserve a harsh punishment. Sometimes love is best expressed through disciplining the one you care for, but punishment is only good if it brings about personality correction.

Oh, and one more thing: be honest about this. Don't try to protect him with petty lies, it will only discredit you, and might even cause more trouble for him. Tell your honest feelings along with the truth instead, and always ask yourself what part of it made you feel the way you do: For example, it might feel slightly complimenting to be molested, because it's an admiration of your feminine qualities; however, it may be overwhelmingly humiliating to be used selfishly and without any respect, concern or remorse.

I hope this helped a bit. ^^;
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:icondutchconnaisseur:
DutchConnaisseur Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2012
He is wrong. Press charges.
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:iconkittythenekoalien:
KittyTheNekoAlien Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
When it's someone you know and love, sometimes it does happen that you don't want anything bad to happen. People react to a rape differently. Most people often won't care who it was. Especially in this kind of situation, I could imagine your parents being extremely upset one of their own children would rape or molest someone, especially another child of theirs.
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:iconsimplylemie:
SimplyLemie Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2012
First of all - I think it's strong of your family (sister and mother) to press charges against your brother. It must be hard to do that to a member of the family even if they done something much worse to you.

As for you. Since it is someone from your family, whom you been close to, its not overly strange that you feel shattered about this. I would suggest talking to someone, a therapist or such, just to straighten out your feelings and process everything that happened (both with the rape and everything that is happening now). And don't beat yourself down over feeling "wrong", because you can't help what you feel.
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:iconendeavor-to-freefall:
Endeavor-To-Freefall Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2012
You are wrong, but also not abnormal. Your behaviour and reasoning is not uncommon in victims of abuse and it's unreasonable to assume that simply knowing it's wrong will change your opinion in the slightest. I'm surprised you're not all in therapy though I don't know how long ago it was revealed, until that time the least you can do is not interfere with your sisters opinion or testimony. Depending on how compassionate your parents are I would probably talk to them privately, if they're not going to entertain the idea that you're going through it in a different way then save it for a therapist.
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:icondindeen:
DinDeen Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I have been through a similar situation, but with an uncle, and it was not rape but physical and emotional abuse. At some point, he tried to burn his own daughter alive. So, sit down and think about this situation carefully.

Forgiveness heals only the forgiver. It does not fix the problem.

It would not have gotten to this point if your brother did not do those things.
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:iconsvataben:
Svataben Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I can't even begin to help you, because I have no experience or knowledge worthy of your problem.
I'm just very sorry this happened to all of you.

I will say this, however: Do not try to dissuade your sister from pressing charges! Do not tell her she's being mean or wrong. Just don't.
You might feel like it's sad for your brother, but your sister is a victim, and she is right to seek justice for herself.
Please don't make her feel bad about it.
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:icontokyov:
TokyoV Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012
Everything he's done needs to get out in the open so he can get some help, because he's obviously not well. If you really want to help him, you have to be honest.
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:iconcammieobscura:
CammieObscura Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012
Therapy is a good thing for all involved. You, your mom, and sister should all go together as well as individually. It can help you get over the hump, no pun intended. No one knows how you feel unless they have been through the same thing. I'm sure as a first offense your brother will not go to prison for long or maybe not even at all depending on what he did as molesting can have many definitions.
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:iconnightshade255:
Nightshade255 Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Sounds like you all need to have a good ol' fashion family chat. Get everything on the table.
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:iconsachi-pon:
Sachi-pon Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
i'm sorry that you and your sister are in such an awful situation. but there is no easy way out. even though you have forgiven your brother, he still has to go to jail. he did some disgusting things and if he were to not be punished, it wouldn't be fair. people who commit crimes need to be punished so that they can learn a valuable lesson about the horrible thing they've done.
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:iconspookyink:
SpookyInk Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012   Traditional Artist
Stolkhome syndrome.
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:icondivine--apathia:
divine--apathia Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Er, not really. Stockholm syndrome is about sympathizing with kidnappers, especially with non-abusive kidnappers.



They see their kidnapper's lack of abuse and associate that with being 'good.'

This is 'battered person syndrome' where people bond with their abuser.
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:iconeuterpe-the-egret:
Euterpe-The-Egret Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
Ah yes. I didn't even think of this but it really does seem accurate.
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:iconspookyink:
SpookyInk Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012   Traditional Artist
Almost to the T really..
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:iconeuterpe-the-egret:
Euterpe-The-Egret Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
:nod: I was just thinking of this the other day (Stockholm syndrome)and the more I think of it in regards to this situation the more it fits.
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:iconspookyink:
SpookyInk Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012   Traditional Artist
Yep. Now if only the op can see it.
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:iconeuterpe-the-egret:
Euterpe-The-Egret Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
:nod: I'd imagine it would be hard to see from the OP's position. :no: Our brains are great for helping us cope but it is really a hard thing to grasp when you are in the situation.
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:iconspookyink:
SpookyInk Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012   Traditional Artist
That and being young and naive is part of it too.
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:iconeuterpe-the-egret:
Euterpe-The-Egret Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
:nod:
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:iconeuterpe-the-egret:
Euterpe-The-Egret Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
You should testify against him (in my opinion). This way he can be helped and not do this to other women in the future.

I agree with KyteGlory. I'd go to a councilor and seek help. This is a lot to deal with.
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:iconkyteglory:
KyteGlory Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012
You're wrong. But the way you feel is also pretty normal: It's hard for a lot of people have difficulty learning to think of somebody as a rapist after they've been thinking of them as a friend or family member for a long time. Nobody wants to lose a brother and gain a rapist, so sometimes their brains start doing irrational things in order to avoid making that transition. You might need the help of a counsellor to terms with what your brother is.
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:iconfirstxaidxkit:
FIRSTxAIDxKIT Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Professional Interface Designer
....would you feel the same way if it wasn't your brother that was the rapist? Rape is rape and it's an absolutely heinous crime against another human being, so I can't really take your side whatsoever. I fully believe your brother deserves to be in jail for the rest of his life, but that's just me I guess.
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:iconcody-h:
Cody-H Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Student Photographer
The only thing I would try to do at a moment like that would be to just not think about it too much. The more you think about it, the more you worry. Hot showers, listening to music, napping can help out. :meow:
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