Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login

Details

Closed to new replies
December 4, 2012
Link

Statistics

Replies: 29

Friend just came out as gay. What does he want/need to hear?

:iconicepowers:
IcePowers Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Student Writer
That question might not sound the same to everyone, so let me clarify by immediately saying that I would really like people who had previously come out of the closet to answer me on this. I honestly can't think of a better way to handle this than to try and learn from other people's internal experiences on the matter; what did YOU want to hear when you came out as gay/lesbian/bi/whatever? What, in retrospect, SHOULD have people said? What was bad for them to say? And I'm not asking this purely for anthropological purposes either. One of my friends is now identifying as homosexual. He's told other people, hasn't directly told me yet, but I know. Whether or not I should is immaterial, for I'm not gonna unlearn this fact.

So what do people want from their friends when they come out? Support? Indifference? Questioning to a reasonable degree? Questioning to an UNreasonable degree? I'm kinda bumbling around in the dark here.
Reply

You can no longer comment on this thread as it was closed due to no activity for a month.

Devious Comments

:iconshannor:
shannor Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I didn't want to hear anything. I just wanted everyone to treat me the same way they always had - as friend, as family member, whatever. :)
Reply
:iconali-st:
Ali-St Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
When you come out as 'not straight', I think it helps to know that nothing have changed. To know that you are still their friend and you view them in the same way.
A few of my close friends asked me about my preferences and things when I came out as bi, but most while we had been drinking. I think it is okay to want to know somethings about his sex life, if you want, but don't press him if you do.
Also, since he hasn't actually directly told YOU yet, but you know, don't push him into telling. Maybe give him incredibly small hints but don't confront him about not telling you yet. Some people need more time than others.
Coming out is very difficult so indifference is NOT helpful. Be happy for him that he can share that with you and tell him that if he does tell you, then move on. :)
I hope that helped.
Reply
:icontheartofcbyoung:
TheArtOfCBYoung Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Pretty much all that I wanted to hear that nothing was different.
Reply
:iconpure-in-heart:
pure-in-heart Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2012  Student Filmographer
I don't like people making a it a big deal when they learn I'm gay. When I first came out to a friend, she told me that she loved and accepted me for who I was (cliche, I know) and proceeded to treat me how she always does - as a friend. She never pushed me to talk about my sexuality... Imo that's the best reaction I could have gotten... It helped; I grew up in a very homophobic environment, and it took me a while to learn that it's to be gay...
Reply
:iconpure-in-heart:
pure-in-heart Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2012  Student Filmographer
*ok... there should be an 'ok to be gay', dammit, I blew it... Imma go cry in the corner now, excuse me
Reply
:icontokyov:
TokyoV Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2012
I appreciated anyone that didn't make a big deal out of it. I felt like I was really abnormal, and I needed reminders that I wasn't.
Reply
:iconsirblackmoore:
SirBlackmoore Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2012  Professional General Artist
Say: Good for you. Don't look at my butt.
Reply
:iconebolabears:
EbolaBears Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2012
get him a pink fedora for x-mas:P
Reply
:iconicepowers:
IcePowers Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2012  Student Writer
Problem: I would end up keeping the fedora.
Reply
:iconebolabears:
EbolaBears Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2012
Maybe there will be a buy-one-get-one sale!:w00t:
Reply
:iconnicolaslupin:
NicolasLupin Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Just congratulate him for being so brave and keep treating him like you've always done.
Reply
:iconcrystalwaterfall:
crystalwaterfall Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2012  Hobbyist
This is veri sweet from you.
I'm a girl, who has always been with boys and finally fell in love with a girl. I hate that situation, because in my country homosexuality is still a taboo and i'm so afraid of coming out because this will tag me for the whole life; and aboveall, i want to be sure, before making that great decision.
However, i know for that how homosexual feel. If it was me, i surely would look for support. It's really important to have non-homophobic friend, who understand that there's nothing wrong with sexual orientation, beacuse it's a matter of love. Friends who don't fear you because "OMH you could jump on me and touch my boobs!" ...No. Nothing about it. I really would search for support, yes. Because it'd be so great to know you're not the only one in your battle and that, whatever people would say, your friends will be there.
Reply
:iconbookworm369:
bookworm369 Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2012  Student Writer
Well you should support him, I just recently came out to my friends and I was treated a but differently but I'm still the same persons I'm always am, its just that you should support them as they are and treat them like always, no one wants to be treated differently just because something little about them
Reply
:iconamalaazula:
AmalaAzula Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012   Digital Artist
"It's okay to be gay"
Reply
:iconblazwott:
Blazwott Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Hobbyist
If I came out, I would like a positive reaction, and I wouldn't want my friends or whoever to be rude about it. Treat him like who he is: a friend.
Reply
:iconplaguey:
Plaguey Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Sorry that I'm not a person whosr actually come out but I have a lot of really close lesbian/gay friends

The best thing you can do is not say anything about it and keep treating them the way they are. The only time you should say anything is if they're trying to hit on you and you don't swing that way. But the orientation means nothing really. Its like a persons preference for food. Some people like hamburgers some like hot dogs.
Reply
:iconsmileyvizard:
SmileyVizard Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Welp, when I came out all I really wanted to hear was "that's great for you! And just so you know I will stick by you no matter what, because you're still the same person you were before you told me." and that's really what I got. ^^ just act the same as you always do with him.
When a friend of mine came out to me, I felt honored that he felt he could trust me enough to tell me, and now he is more awesome than ever xD
Reply
:iconincandescentinsanity:
IncandescentInsanity Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Student General Artist
Don't treat him any differently. He doesn't want that. He just wants to get something about himself out in the open
Reply
:iconvividgrim:
VividGrim Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Student Digital Artist
Thank him for trusting you enough to tell you.
Reply
:iconmew-sumomo:
Mew-Sumomo Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Student General Artist
There are definitely articles out there that help with the coming out process from a friend's perspective, including a few key things you should say (such as "I still care about you no matter what you identify as" for example) and some things you probably shouldn't mention (such as "I knew you were the entire time!"). I had a friend come out to me and his biggest fear was not being accepted by his family so he was happy enough to find comfort in us as his friends.
Reply
:iconcody-h:
Cody-H Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Student Photographer
I just came out of the closet a bit ago. What I was hoping and wanting to hear and have was for my family and Friends to respect me for who I am, and not treat me differently because of who I am. And fortunatly, that's what I got. Be a supporting friend and support him until the end.
Reply
:iconvanhir:
Vanhir Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Support is always good, naturally. Nothing much has to change to any huge extent, it's just his sexuality after all :shrug: For me personally... Questions have never been much of a problem or even an annoyance. You're bound to want to know stuff so... Ask away. Check he's alright with you asking first though so that you're not just like probing him for answers or something. Also try to be sensitive about it without being overly sensitive, if that makes sense. :paranoid: Other than that though... Do as you will.
Reply
:iconopalmist:
OpalMist Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012
Let me put it like this: I've a straight friend...they haven't told me they're straight, but I know that they are. What do I say to them?

Kidding aside, that's pretty much the main of things. Just...you know...be their friend...like you were, before.
Reply
:iconmatthewmatters:
MatthewMatters Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Professional General Artist
I'd say that don't bring it up: the best way to show you don't mind is to act as if you don't mind. If he brings it up, be supportive mate. It takes some serious balls to come out of the closet.
Reply
:iconjay-hyena:
Jay-Hyena Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
If I "came out" then I would probably mostly want my friends to continue treating me as they always had.
Reply
:iconvanhir:
Vanhir Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Out of interest, why haven't you come out? :C
Reply
:iconjay-hyena:
Jay-Hyena Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I never needed to. I openly mention my sexual orientation to others. That said, where I'm from your sexuality's no big deal.
Reply
:iconvanhir:
Vanhir Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Ahh, if only everyone was like that. That's a much nicer way around it. :nod:
Reply
:iconsimplylemie:
SimplyLemie Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012
I think most people just say it to have it said. Like - "just so you know it, I'm gay, you might see me with a boyfriend in the future, stop trying to hook me up with girls". It might not be that specific reason, but it's just said so that people in the surrounding knows.

I know there are people who think it's ridiculous to "come out" since "who cares about your sexuality?" but unless a person comes out, everyone will presume they are straight and it can become bothersome for some. In some aspects it doesn't matter, in some it does.

Anyway. When I came out as bisexual it wasn't to get any reaction, it was simply junior high and sex and relationship was what was talked about. It was also then I had my first girlfriend, so not telling my friends would be odd since they any way would be hearing about my relationship and then they'd know it wasn't with a guy, anyway.

My advice?
Don't take it up with him before he tells you about it (or you could, but it might get weird since you heard it from a third part). When he tells you, don't make a deal out of it. Depending on how you relationship is, of course you could talk about it, but don't make a big deal of it.

Oh, and most important: remember that the only thing that has changed is that you now know that he'll be dating guys instead of girls. So don't try to treat him after some stereo type or such. Just be the same friend that you've been before.
Reply
Add a Comment: