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November 25, 2012
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It's been a rough night.

:iconliha-irden:
liha-irden Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I don't know what this site's policy is on depression-related issues, but I just need to talk right now.
And don't even mention the suicide hotline, it's pretty much useless right now.

I'm a suicidal self-harmer in the middle of a depressive episode. Yeah, the whole shabang. There are so many reasons. So many.
And it's starting to get bad. Really, really bad. I've cut a crapton in the past week, and I'm starting to feel worse and worse.


Also, I don't know if anyone else has this problem, but feel free to relate or talk or whatever. It's okay to share.
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Devious Comments

:iconsummitstars:
summitstars Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
Hello there you pretty girl, I just want you to know that you are loved and cared for. I unfortunately struggle with the whole self-harm thing, but I'd have to say not to your extent it seems. I don't know why you said to not mention a hotline, but in case it's because you don't like talking on the phone, I'd recommend crisischat.org - it's the same thing, just in a one-on-one chatroom setting. I have struggled with bipolar disorder since I was a young kid (legit, I'm not one of those people who self-diagnose themselves), so I know that suicidal feeling all to well. I know it's like a freakin' hell on earth, like your minds a damn prison. I won't lie, it sucks, but there is definitely hope. In death, there is absolutely no hope. But for as long as you live, every day is a day that things can change (much of that change has to come from you, I know it's hard but people like us gotta try to take some self-initiative and try to get better). Please remember that - there is hope ONLY in life.
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:iconlightning-13:
lightning-13 Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012  Professional General Artist
Wow, too many confessions! I kinda understand what you mean, I mean, it's not about having 10 PC's, a palace for home, none of that matters. During my whole life, I have wanted to stop existing at least 2 times. Both times it was because of big processes that I felt had no ending, which wore me out very much. Once when I was 17 and had problems at home with my parents, I woke up in the morning and didn't want to get up from bed. The second time I actually wanted to commit suicide, was standing in the kitchen with a knife in my hand when everybody was outdoors, because of love-related problems. But I didn't harm myself, thought that I still had much to live for.. I got over it, but I'm still not through with love and it has really worn me out, want this guy for 7 whole years and still can't be with him.. obstacles after obstacles, feels like I'm cursed and will never feel happiness. I keep on believing that someday things will change, I want to find hope somehow, but every time I start to expect things and see even a small light in the tunnel, it all disappears in the end, fades away, and I drown into my sorrow and tears. But what can you do when you are in love, right? struggle, give it time.. ANyways! he he, enough about my love life xD I think that when you deal with deep problems for many years, in the end you become affected in ways you couldn't predict in the beginning. During the last years I realized that I became depressed for no real reason. Just like that I became so sad, I didn't want to go out, stay inside, talk, see anyone, everything was dark, I didn't want anything. It has happened to me a couple of times and it scares the heck out of me every time, I haven't figured out what the heck it is, I believe it has something to do with love once again, just because I've been sad, anxious, tormented for a very long time. Lately things have changed to the better, I feel better, and so the sadness has disappeared.

I understand your mom, mine is the same. I don't know about your mom, but mine has a lot of luggage from her past, and everything tears her apart. So many things that affect her, it's like she has lost the lust to live, everything is dark, everything is a mess. Mostly she laughs and jokes, as a mechanism to deal with her real problems, which I hate most of the time, because some things need to be taken seriously. Sometimes she laughs at problems I find serious. And then there are times when she is so dark and twisty, everything in her life is wrong, a catastrophe, she doesn't want anything, or anyone. I don't listen to her because I don't really deal with such problems (except love.. but I'm trying to hang on), and I think that I have much to live for.

in the end, I can provide an inspirational quote 'be strong now because things will get better. It might be stormy now but it can't rain forever'.
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:iconspider-mat:
spider-mat Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Write loads and loads. And not just depressing topics. Every and any topic. Its all about finding something that means something to you, so that gives you a reason to want to be around.
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:icontokyov:
TokyoV Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012
I've never cut myself, but I did have a period of letting my emotions out in other self-destructive ways. I eventually broke out of it and I think you will too. Talking about it is a really good idea both online and in person. The more you can get it out, the better.

As others have said, feel free to message me if you like
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:iconmangekyomarie:
MangekyoMarie Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012
I know life can get stressful and depressing and you feel like you have no one to turn too. I've been there, 5 years ago or so was depressed, alone and all the rest. Enough about me though, I've overcome it. I want to help you so please feel free to note me. :cling:
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:iconnightshade255:
Nightshade255 Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
send me a note? I have helped with people through suicidal episodes before and I would love to just have a chat with you, if you want to let it all out I can be your shoulder.
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:iconauroriaz:
Auroriaz Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Have you told anyone at all? Keeping your feelings and thoughts to yourself can make things worse. Is there someone you trust in your life you can share a bit of your thoughts with? You need to tell somebody before things get serious (as in you try to take your own life). All troubling times pass, for me, I felt like the things I went through wouldn't end. But all things pass. Time goes on..there is a lot of negative things out there in the world, but I think overall, life is worth living. Whatever you are going through now will pass. I applaud you for having the strength to post this online. Some people cannot talk about their problems as easily. If you take your life now, you won't know what happens in the future, because you won't have one, you'd be dead. It's easy to be pessimistic in today's world, but to be optimistic about life, and to smile takes courage. I hope I could be of some help, as I can relate you what you are going through..
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:iconsiantjudas:
siantjudas Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012   Digital Artist
You'll be fine, and eventually you'll grow out of it.
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:iconliha-irden:
liha-irden Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
One can hope.
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:iconsiantjudas:
siantjudas Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012   Digital Artist
You will. From what I can tell, you're habitual, it's a stress relief, and you cut "a shit ton". So you've been doing this for a while, if your intentions really where to kill yourself, this wouldn't necessarily be the case, your cutting would be deep enough that we wouldn't be having this discussion. Despite the fact you have suicidal thoughts, I have a feeling that they remain thoughts and not intentions. As I've discussed on here several times, a serious intent is rarely proceeded by something like this.

Eventually you'll get tired of cutting, either you'll realize that you don't need to, or it'll stop reliving the stress for you, and you'll look for another way to try to deal with things.
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:iconshannor:
shannor Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
All I can offer is the trite: "Don't give up yet, life gets better". Getting better from depression is all about learning to like yourself all over again, so I know what I say won't be as effective as I hope it will, because getting better is on you. Even though it seems impossible to you, it's not, that's your depression talking, not you, remember that.

When I had depression, I went on a low dose of antidepressants and went to counseling. Some study evidence shows that together, they're more effective than alone. If you can look into it, I suggest you do. At first, my antidepressants kind of sucked, I slept a lot, and missed a good chunk of school because of that, but at no point did I become an emotionless robot like I feared I would, and I didn't lose my creativity, so if you're worried about that, bring it up with a doctor. Some antidepressants are better tolerated by some people on that front.
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:iconwilliamdallwitz:
WilliamDallwitz Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Student General Artist
Suicidal thoughts were a large part of my daily life about a year ago. Turned out to have an entirely different cause than I originally thought.
... which is my peculiar way of saying that I'm sure you'll manage to find a solution to your problems. I understand that such a statement must sound empty or pointless; I felt the same way when I was being given the same advice over and over again.
But I've really come to believe that it is true. Reality is created in the self. Nichi nichi kore ko nichi: every day is a beautiful day. Around us there is immeasurable beauty and incredible ugliness - what we focus our attention to is our choice.
Try to find out what really makes you happy, complete - what every fiber of your existence strives for. I'm sure you can do it.
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:iconkai-pachi:
kai-pachi Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Student General Artist
I've tried to commit suicide 9 time. I'll lend an ear.
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:iconebolabearvomit:
EbolaBearVomit Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012
Ha!:rofl:

No you didn't 'try'
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:iconkai-pachi:
kai-pachi Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Student General Artist
I don't really think this is the place for such jokes.
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:iconebolabearvomit:
EbolaBearVomit Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012
Wasn't a joke.
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:iconliha-irden:
liha-irden Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Nine??
That's quite a few...
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:iconkai-pachi:
kai-pachi Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Student General Artist
I'm a failure at failing what can I say. You wanna tell me your story? we can do it through the notes if you'd prefer.
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:iconwilliamdallwitz:
WilliamDallwitz Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Student General Artist
You're a failure at failing? That means you succeed in succeeding, doesn't it?
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:iconkai-pachi:
kai-pachi Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Student General Artist
Yup.
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:iconliha-irden:
liha-irden Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Sure.
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:iconglori305:
Glori305 Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012
Sounds like you need someone to talk to.

I know it sounds trite, but it really is easier to deal with problems when you are talking, face-to-face with a friend.

Some other advice, avoid sugars, when they wear out of your system, you will crash, and that will contribute to depresion. You know you, if watching a sad movie helps you cry and get it all out, watch one, if it will just make you sadder, do not watch one.

Finally, you need to decide that you are a cool and wonderful person. That will take time and effort, in the months-years range in time. But you are ultimately the person responsible for you, and the only person who can really take care of you.
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:iconareafive:
AreaFive Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
I'm sorry you're having a hard time, I can understand. I've been struggling lately myself. I would ignore the first reply you got regarding you being a "spoiled brat", that person is a making a lot of assumption s solely based only on what they see here. One's deviantART page is only a tiny glimpse into someone's life, not the whole story. Are you depresed because of something particular that happened or due to a chronic situation perhaps? I'm really sorry you're having a tough time. Whatever it is, I'm sure it will get better, even though it may take time and healing. You are beautiful, intelligent and talented, and you have your whole life ahead of you. Be strong and don't give up. You can send me a note if you need someone to talk to.
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:iconalzircon:
alzircon Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
You didn't really give much of a back story as to what is oh so wrong. I'm sorry to sound insensitive, but what I see right now is a teenage girl that has a lot of privileges most people don't have: home, food, PC, internet, a pretty good camera, laser tag gear and friends. OH MY GOD, MY LIFE'S SO HORRIBLE. You just come off as a spoiled brat. I really don't see a reason for depression or self harm other than all the stuff you have right now isn't enough and you just want more more more.

Do your parents hate you?
Did your boyfriend/girlfriend cheat on you?
Are you being harassed?
Is someone abusing you or your friends/family?
Was everything you ever loved been taken away from you?
Is someone you really care about terminally ill?
All of the above?

Give me a reason to feel sorry for you, because right now I just want to slap you.
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:iconanaliasunknown:
AnAliasUnknown Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012
I really don't see a reason for depression or self harm other than all the stuff you have right now isn't enough and you just want more more more.

Except that depression isn't solely caused by life circumstances. There's a fair amount of biology involved.
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:iconebolabearvomit:
EbolaBearVomit Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012
:iconthis2plz:
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:iconliha-irden:
liha-irden Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
No, of course you have a reason to be insensitive.
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:iconhe11ow0rld:
he11ow0rld Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012
Unless you have been through a similar state of mind, you are in no position to comment. It's not always about the things that have happened or are happening, what you have, what you don't have, or what people have said. Depression is beyond those things, its like a poison of the mind. Unless you have BEEN THERE you DO NOT KNOW. This journal entry is clearly a cry for help and comfort, not a pursuit of attention. If you do not have anything helpful to say to this girl, just keep your closed-minded opinions to yourself. Thank you.
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:iconalzircon:
alzircon Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
This is not a journal entry, dipshit, it's a thread in a public forum and any opinion is welcome thanks to the first amendment. All these "cries for help" tend to come from over-privileged teenagers with no real problem, so excuse me for being skeptical after witnessing this pattern over and over again.
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:iconhe11ow0rld:
he11ow0rld Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012
cry more n00b
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:iconalzircon:
alzircon Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
That'll show me.:lol:
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:iconhe11ow0rld:
he11ow0rld Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012
I'm so sorry to hear that you're struggling with this. I went through something similar this time last year. I know how hard it is to wake up every day and just want it all to be over, by any means possible. And you're right, self-harming is s form of stress relief, and the times when that anger and frustration would flood over me,I couldn't think of anything I'd rather do than dig a scissor blade into my arm. But I never wanted to tell anyone. So well done for speaking out about this, its a really positive step in the right direction.
But I promise you, the way you're feeling now, will stop. You just have to get the right help that will steer your thoughts towards positivity, and then you can achieve anything. You seem like such an intelligent and creative soul and I'm sure that underneath it all, in your heart, you want to pursue your goals, but its just feels impossible to see them right now.

You CAN do it and you WILL get there.
I'm usually on here a few times a day so if you feel you want to talk at all about anything, don't hesitate to get in touch. xxxxx
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:iconliha-irden:
liha-irden Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Th-thank you...
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:icontsundoku:
tsundoku Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Student Writer
Hugs??

Right now my doctor has increased my dose of cipralex and i cannot sleep or focus for shittttt.
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:iconliha-irden:
liha-irden Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
What kind of anti-depressant is that?
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:icontsundoku:
tsundoku Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Student Writer
SSRI.
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:iconliha-irden:
liha-irden Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
That's serotonin-based, right??
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:iconanaliasunknown:
AnAliasUnknown Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012
Yeah, it's a Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor. Or at least, that's what the acronym stands for, I don't know much about the medication they're talking about :lol:

Anyway, is there anyone you can talk to? I know sometimes I have spells where I'm seriously contemplating suicide, and talking it out with my mom helps a lot.

In the meantime, is there an alternative to cutting you can find? You mentioned stress as a cause, is there another way you can blow off the steam? I've heard holding ice cubes are a decent alternative, although I don't know from personal experience.
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:iconcammieobscura:
CammieObscura Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012
Neli, you are an attractive young lady. Why in the world would you consider hurting yourself and for what reasons do you feel you have this depression? Have you ever had a blood panel done to see if you are deficient in estrogen or testoserone or something else that may chemically cause depression?
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:iconliha-irden:
liha-irden Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Because self-harm is a version of stress relief.
And no, I didn't think sex hormones could cause a whole ton of neurological trouble lol.
However, the therapist did diagnose me with depression, so yeah, probably serotonin.
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:iconcammieobscura:
CammieObscura Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012
I think I'd rather try some other form of stress relief, like stress balls or something, instead of scarring myself.
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:iconmatthewmatters:
MatthewMatters Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Professional General Artist
Believe it or not there's even show for such an utterly trivial thing as vitamin D deficiency being a possible cause of cancer. Zinc and just about everything else can do it too: ruling out the deficiency of anything as a cause of depression is to be foolish. Of course, depression can also be with no such source.
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:iconmithrendune:
MithrenDune Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012
I can lend an ear and advice if you would like.
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:iconliha-irden:
liha-irden Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I'll send a note.
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:iconmithrendune:
MithrenDune Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012
Ok
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:iconmayjackson:
MayJackson Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012
I get depressed. Not usually suicidal that badly though. It's late and I'm tired (insomnia lately, it's the middle of the night), so this might not be in the best wording it could be, but try to remember that you're worth it? Whatever that means. Sometimes that gets me through. Depression is just some weird dark cloud you go through in which you feel like everything is wrong and sad and bad, and like you're not worth it - but depression is not the truth. The truth is that you're a bright young person with lots of potential. Heck, even if you had COMPLETELY wasted your potential up till now, you can *be* and *do* whatever the hell you want. And I guess my most important point here is, try to remember that depression is some weird artificial dumb thing that your brain does to you. It's not the truth. It's not reality. It's often literally low serotonin levels. And you'll get out of it, if you want to. Have you thought about seeking counseling or drug therapy? I have loved counseling in the past - often it helps to talk.
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:iconcammieobscura:
CammieObscura Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012
It's true, you can have low levels of a lot of things such as basic vitamins that can cause depression. Even your diet and what you eat can affect it. It wouldn't hurt to have a physical.
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:iconliha-irden:
liha-irden Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Yeahh, my mom is supposed to set up something with a therapist.
Unfortunately, she's angry at me for being born atm.
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:iconmayjackson:
MayJackson Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012
:/ Lame. Mothers should never be like that. Sorry if that's true, but I'll hope that's just the depression talking. (I always feel like my mom doesn't like me, but we're not cut from the same cloth if you know what I mean so it's an easy jump for me to make when I'm depressed - maybe it's similar for you).

Talking to a therapist would be great, this is great too. CammieObscura has a great point that getting a physical wouldn't be a bad idea - say if you're vitamin D deficient or have a thyroid problem, those types of things can lead to sluggish metabolism which believe it or not is a fairly direct route to depression. You never know. Might pop a multi-vitamin just to see if it helps? If you notice a mood change after doing that once or twice, it might mean that you have a deficiency.

I wrote a 1-page doc at one point about some things that help me kind of pull myself out of depression when I get there, kind of an advice thing for myself. Let me know if you want me to post it here or send it to you in a note!

Btw I check DA practically every day. You can note me whenever with anything - seriously, it's very hard to annoy me even with kind of downer-messages, so feel free.
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:iconliha-irden:
liha-irden Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Well, she just likes to find faults in people if they don't treat her like a queen. >w <

I took a multi-vitamin for a while, but I dunno, nothing huge seemed to change. I've been depressed for a couple of years, it's only been recently that it's getting out of hand.

Alright, I might take you up on those offers sometime. Thanks.
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