Hello there you pretty girl, I just want you to know that you are loved and cared for. I unfortunately struggle with the whole self-harm thing, but I'd have to say not to your extent it seems. I don't know why you said to not mention a hotline, but in case it's because you don't like talking on the phone, I'd recommend crisischat.org - it's the same thing, just in a one-on-one chatroom setting. I have struggled with bipolar disorder since I was a young kid (legit, I'm not one of those people who self-diagnose themselves), so I know that suicidal feeling all to well. I know it's like a freakin' hell on earth, like your minds a damn prison. I won't lie, it sucks, but there is definitely hope. In death, there is absolutely no hope. But for as long as you live, every day is a day that things can change (much of that change has to come from you, I know it's hard but people like us gotta try to take some self-initiative and try to get better). Please remember that - there is hope ONLY in life.
Wow, too many confessions! I kinda understand what you mean, I mean, it's not about having 10 PC's, a palace for home, none of that matters. During my whole life, I have wanted to stop existing at least 2 times. Both times it was because of big processes that I felt had no ending, which wore me out very much. Once when I was 17 and had problems at home with my parents, I woke up in the morning and didn't want to get up from bed. The second time I actually wanted to commit suicide, was standing in the kitchen with a knife in my hand when everybody was outdoors, because of love-related problems. But I didn't harm myself, thought that I still had much to live for.. I got over it, but I'm still not through with love and it has really worn me out, want this guy for 7 whole years and still can't be with him.. obstacles after obstacles, feels like I'm cursed and will never feel happiness. I keep on believing that someday things will change, I want to find hope somehow, but every time I start to expect things and see even a small light in the tunnel, it all disappears in the end, fades away, and I drown into my sorrow and tears. But what can you do when you are in love, right? struggle, give it time.. ANyways! he he, enough about my love life xD I think that when you deal with deep problems for many years, in the end you become affected in ways you couldn't predict in the beginning. During the last years I realized that I became depressed for no real reason. Just like that I became so sad, I didn't want to go out, stay inside, talk, see anyone, everything was dark, I didn't want anything. It has happened to me a couple of times and it scares the heck out of me every time, I haven't figured out what the heck it is, I believe it has something to do with love once again, just because I've been sad, anxious, tormented for a very long time. Lately things have changed to the better, I feel better, and so the sadness has disappeared.
I understand your mom, mine is the same. I don't know about your mom, but mine has a lot of luggage from her past, and everything tears her apart. So many things that affect her, it's like she has lost the lust to live, everything is dark, everything is a mess. Mostly she laughs and jokes, as a mechanism to deal with her real problems, which I hate most of the time, because some things need to be taken seriously. Sometimes she laughs at problems I find serious. And then there are times when she is so dark and twisty, everything in her life is wrong, a catastrophe, she doesn't want anything, or anyone. I don't listen to her because I don't really deal with such problems (except love.. but I'm trying to hang on), and I think that I have much to live for.
in the end, I can provide an inspirational quote 'be strong now because things will get better. It might be stormy now but it can't rain forever'.
I've never cut myself, but I did have a period of letting my emotions out in other self-destructive ways. I eventually broke out of it and I think you will too. Talking about it is a really good idea both online and in person. The more you can get it out, the better.
As others have said, feel free to message me if you like
I know life can get stressful and depressing and you feel like you have no one to turn too. I've been there, 5 years ago or so was depressed, alone and all the rest. Enough about me though, I've overcome it. I want to help you so please feel free to note me.
Have you told anyone at all? Keeping your feelings and thoughts to yourself can make things worse. Is there someone you trust in your life you can share a bit of your thoughts with? You need to tell somebody before things get serious (as in you try to take your own life). All troubling times pass, for me, I felt like the things I went through wouldn't end. But all things pass. Time goes on..there is a lot of negative things out there in the world, but I think overall, life is worth living. Whatever you are going through now will pass. I applaud you for having the strength to post this online. Some people cannot talk about their problems as easily. If you take your life now, you won't know what happens in the future, because you won't have one, you'd be dead. It's easy to be pessimistic in today's world, but to be optimistic about life, and to smile takes courage. I hope I could be of some help, as I can relate you what you are going through..
You will. From what I can tell, you're habitual, it's a stress relief, and you cut "a shit ton". So you've been doing this for a while, if your intentions really where to kill yourself, this wouldn't necessarily be the case, your cutting would be deep enough that we wouldn't be having this discussion. Despite the fact you have suicidal thoughts, I have a feeling that they remain thoughts and not intentions. As I've discussed on here several times, a serious intent is rarely proceeded by something like this.
Eventually you'll get tired of cutting, either you'll realize that you don't need to, or it'll stop reliving the stress for you, and you'll look for another way to try to deal with things.