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November 24, 2012
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Relationship Advice. Sorry :c

:iconlovebehr:
lovebehr Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2012
I've been in a healthy relationship with this guy for two and a half years. On November 5th, he told me he wasn't happy anymore because I was simply too pessimistic and he couldn't handle my extreme emotions. I understood completely, and after crying for two days about it, I promised him I would change.

Since then, he's told me he's happier now. He's seen a huge change in me and that he's very proud. What scared me though, was that he told me he had thoughts about / almost broke up with me. Since then I could never imagine life without him, blah blah blah.
A week after the 5th of November, I began thinking of how life would be now without him. It's not happy, but I realized I would be okay. I've also realized how I've been more frustrated with the relationship rather than happy. I've talked to him about it. We both agreed that we're not the same people we fell in love with, and things have definitely changed. Most for the worst.

I don't want us to break up. I love him very much, he's my best friend. But I feel like I can't go on like this if things are going to continue this way. I'm terrible for this because he's never miss-treated me. He's been the most wonderful, supporting, and best boyfriend I've ever had in my life. I've never put so much trust into him as I have any other human.

I love him. And I know all relationships go through shit, but only the strongest can get out. There are days when I wonder why I even feel like this. But most of the time I feel like how I've just explained.
Do you have any advice for me? All is helpful and much appreciated. You have no idea.

:icontealdeerplz: After two and a half years, I'm wondering if I'm still happy. We're in a rut and I need advice. I don't want to lose him, but I don't feel like I'm strong enough to go on this way.
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:iconlightning-13:
lightning-13 Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
Did your boyfriend ever try to understand why you were sad? did he ever try to fight for your relationship? I mean, it's no reason to break up a relationship because someone is sad. You said that you cried over what he said, which tells me that you weren't ready to let him go. Maybe you just think that it will be easy, to simply say that you could live without him is different than actually making sure that you do break up and live alone. I think that you need to communicate better. If your relationship makes you miserable, of course you need to think whether it's something worth fighting for. If it's just a phase, something temporary that is, that possibly makes you uncomfortable or sad or whatever, you need to discuss it, be patient etc. It all depends how you see it, how you feel about the relationship. I don't think that there is a point to stay in a relationship if you are unhappy, being in a relationship isn't supposed to be a burden. Assuming of course that the relationship makes you feel that way.
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:iconebolabears:
EbolaBears Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012
If you two still share interests and things that make you both happy there is still a chance.
Do you share goals that do not tear you apart?

You have to refocus on the relationship, the good things, the things that bond you, and work on
dropping the things that bring you down (if you can).

If you're open and honest about it you two can probably figure out what to do on your own.
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:iconmidwinter-sun:
Midwinter-sun Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012
A healthy relationship isn't always an all-the-time-happy one. Yes, there are periods when things suck and you're generally unhappy, sometimes all the time. To help you figure out the situation, you need to ask yourself if you see light at the end of the tunnel, whether you expect things will change for the better, whether you have a plan for how to fix what's broken. If you have a positive answer, then you have a strong relationship. You need to have faith in him and to be able to trust him with you happiness and your future... basically, your life. If you can do that, you'll manage to get better. If you don't, you have a serious deal breaker present.

What I see here as a potential red flag is you changing yourself.
This is something I've had a fair share of experience with - changing myself to fit the other person's expectations.
Change can be good or bad depending on the reason behind it. Being pessimistic is a nasty quality to have and whenever I meet a pessimist, I always try to teach them a little optimism to balance things out. But still, were you happy the way you were before? If it wasn't for him, would've you wanted to change? Did you really believe being a pessimist made your life worse and that it was something you needed to fix about yourself?
Because if you were happy the way you were and wanted to stay that way, change is the thing that made you unhappy, not him or your relationship. Not wanting to change and being forces to leaves a feeling of under appreciation, of him not loving you for who you truly are and basically of not being good enough for him. Being in such a state of mind is horrible... last time it happened to me, I couldn't feel the slightest drop of desire to connect to and be with anyone new for nearly two years, that's how long it took me to repair the damage I'd done to myself. So be sure you don't make the same mistake.
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:iconlovebehr:
lovebehr Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012
Thanks. :)
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:iconannamae411:
annamae411 Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
My suggestion would be to attempt distance from each other for about a week and then, when you go back, see how you feel then, if you still feel frustrated, tell him and talk with him, if he feels the same then it might be time to throw in from the towel. If you feel truely happy to see him and he feels the same then you guys are set. Also try doing a handful of new things, I know you guys play alot of games together, try some other stuff. Even iff you guys end up breaking up you guys sound like the couple that actually CAN still be friends. You could also try gradually breaking off from each other, if you end up breaking up. In any case hang in there sweetie :glomp: I'm here for ya^^

on another note; hows it goin with the creeper? Do I need my chainsaw :chainsaw:?
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:iconrandomrobskii:
RandomRobskii Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Student Filmographer
Eh, if it's just that you're stuck in a rut, how about you do some things that you've not done before? Bake cakes, be experimentive in the bedroom, take a dancing class, buy new lingerie. You never know, it might just be the little things.
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:iconglori305:
Glori305 Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012
In the 3-5 year range, most relationships go thru this. That is why most divorces happen in the 3-5 year range.

Also happens again in the 7-10 year range.

And is more likely to happen if you are "stuck in a rut" if you do the same things for fun, and go the same places. I would suggest trying something different, take ballroom dance classes together, or take up archery, or a try a new resturant every month. And THEN when you have shaken things up a little, see if you are still thinking about breaking up.

Figuring out that you could live without the other person is not neccesarily a sign of the end of the relationship, it is just the reality.

People fall out of love too. It happens. Might be happening to you two, or you might just be going thru a blah stage and things will continue on with a happy relationship.
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:iconalzircon:
alzircon Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
If you've been dating for 2 years and you're 18 now, I can only assume you started your relationship at around 16, which is when all dems hormones mess with your head. So now that you've gotten older, you started seeing things the way they actually are instead oh LALALALA I'M IN LUUUURRRV :iconhurrdurrplz:. When I was at around your age, I'd just be blinded by emotion, completely disregarding the problems.

Just sit there and think about the relationship. Weigh the pros and cons. Would you really be happy staying with this person or is it just because you got so attached over the years that you can't imagine living without him?
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:iconcammieobscura:
CammieObscura Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012
Maybe you both just need a time out to re-evaluate your relationship. Time apart will give you that chance. If you can't live without each other you will both know after a couple of weeks. Sometimes what you think is best for you simply isn't, and there obviously is a problem, at least on one's side.
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:iconshogun3540:
shogun3540 Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Professional Artist
seeing as your 18 i'll presume you're sexually active......
if you want to get out of a rut..... try anal or bring another person to bed
Then all your problems will be fixed






sincerely yours "The Internet Bastard"
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:iconlovebehr:
lovebehr Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012
Anal? :XD: Well, if you think it would work, oh wise one :iconteheplz:

I told him I'm all for a three-some, we just can't find another girl to do it with.
Why did I just share that with you? :stare: Whatever.


THANKS FOR THE ADVICE BRO! :heart:
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:iconebolabears:
EbolaBears Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012
We need video proof of the threesome! :iconbucktooothplz:
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:iconlovebehr:
lovebehr Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012
I'll be sure to do that. Just for you. :iconifyouknowplz:
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:iconebolabears:
EbolaBears Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012
Yes!:icongangsterplz:
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:iconjatomlinson:
jatomlinson Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2012
True love is a choice you make. It's a choice to do good for your spouse (or loved one) even if you're angry with them, even if you don't feel particularly happy or loving that day. It's a choice to stay and make things work no matter what. It's a choice to have a good attitude no matter what. So I guess the question is, does he mean enough to you, that you are willing to do that, to make a choice to stay with him and work things out no matter what? Are you willing to have that sort of unconditional love towards him? This is a lesson I had to learn the hard way. I was not willing to do that for my husband and our marriage turned bad fairly quickly. I kept thinking, 'if he isn't making me happy then why should I put in the effort to be nice to him, or to do what he wants?' But God has taught me to re-evaulate things and now I've decided to love my husband unconditionally the same way that God loves us. Even if I don't feel particularly loving that day or in a good mood, or even if I'm angry, I make a choice to have a good attitude at least on the outside, and to continue to do what's best for him, even if I don't feel he's doing what's best for me. Our relationship improved dramatically over the course of two months, and is still improving today. You can't make your loved one do the same for you, but you can lead by example. A really good book to get (and it's only like $13 on Kindle) is the Love dare book. It has such great relationship advice whether you're married or not. It teaches you how you may be acting to make things go south, the things that you internalize that may be making things bad, and how to readjust your attitude and actions for the better of yourself, your spouse (loved one), and the relationship as a whole. It's meant to be read one day at a time so you can reflect on each chapter (about 2-3 pages) and think on how you can put it into action. Each day has homework, and even if you don't do it exactly as it says, so long as you're applying it's principles to your life or attitude or relationship, then it does help.

I'm sorry to hear that things aren't going so good with your relationship, and that you're uncertain about how you feel. I know how that can be and it can hurt. I hope things work out for you. Just so you know, I'm praying for ya and if you ever need someone to talk to or be a sounding board for issues, then I'm here to listen and not to judge. You can send me a note any time.
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:iconaret:
Aret Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
But I feel like I can't go on like this if things are going to continue this way. I'm terrible for this because he's never miss-treated me.

That's bullshit. Think about what you're saying here. You're saying that only a terrible person would break up with someone unless that person is being abused in some way. The reality is that people break up all the time, not because either of them is bad or abusive, but because they changed in ways that made them stop loving each other. You're being too hard on yourself, having unrealistic expectations.

The fact is, you need to ask yourself if you love this guy, or if you just remember loving him and are clinging to how you used to feel. Keeping in mind, even if you don't love him, you can still like him and want to be his friend, and wanting just friendship does not make you terrible in any way.

A relationship is supposed to be a complement to your life, something like the icing on the cake. If it's just making you unhappy and frustrated though, then you need to consider if you can salvage it, or if its time to move on.
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:iconlovebehr:
lovebehr Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012
Woah, sorry.. I didn't really mean for it to come off that way. I'm sorry..

Thanks for your advice. :)
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:iconaret:
Aret Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Don't apologize, it's just that it sounded like you were beating yourself up just because you grew up and changed over time. That's a good thing, not something to be upset over, even if it strains your relationship. Do what's best for you, and try not to be too hard on yourself. :hug:
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:icondorkface4:
dorkface4 Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2012
Figure out what exactly is making you frustrated, then see if it can be fixed. Perhaps spend more time away from each other doing your own things.
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:icon2lazy2talk:
2lazy2talk Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
The things I hear is that people need to reinvent themselves over the years for the relationship to work. Along with that, you need communication and honesty, which you both seem to possess. So, isn't normal for you guys not to be the exact same people? I've wonder about this in my own relationship and it frightens me.
I think you're on the good track but if you don't feel happy...what's there to you?
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:iconspookyink:
SpookyInk Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
2 years is around the time where the honey moon stage ends and you'll start seeing faults or having more conflicts.
I've been with my boyfriend for over 6.5 years and its rough.
Been through exactly what you are doing and the way you both get past it is to continue working together. Change things up in your sex life or change environments. Do spontaneous actions. Pick up new hobbies you both can share.
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:iconlovebehr:
lovebehr Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2012
Thanks. :)
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:iconfelissauria:
Felissauria Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2012  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
Try going on a vacation together to reconnect?
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:iconamericangirlartist:
AmericanGirlArtist Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Well that sounds a bit like neither of you want to lose eachother but in a way want to give up eachother...Well if your frustration is a greater amount than amount of happiness in your relationship, there might be maybe the slightest chance that the two of you aren't quite ment to be... I don't mean to sound cruel or anything when I say this but, if I was in your shoes I would tell him how I felt, but this isn't really much of my buisness, you both may have different aproaches on solving a problem but work together on this problem. This is just an obsticle set so that you two would trip together and blame one another and split and in the end realise that neither of you tripped the other, you both just didn't look for obsticles. So try your best, and work together, never give up, hope is coming to give you a blessing sent from God. I wish you the best of luck, and if you need any more help just leave me a note.
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:iconkorukikonaru:
KorukiKonaru Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2012
I am by no means an expert on relationships, having never been in one of this type. That said, if you both feel it is best if it doesn't continue then it might be good to separate, but there's nothing wrong with simply remaining friends.
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