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November 23, 2012
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Relationship advice?

:iconlove-junk:
Love-Junk Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I'll keep it short and sweet.

>Been with the Current boyfriend for almost 4 years
>We've always fought a lot, he's the most stubborn and selfish creature ever gifted with life.
>I still love him to death
>Long-Distance Relationship for the most part - His parents moved a while away about 3 months into our relationship, But we stayed together.
>We've fought badly many times and broken up once, but it didn't last.
>He's moving within arms-reach within the next couple of months.

At the moment, the fighting's hitting an all-time-high, and he can't ever seem to apologize or try to fix things without being prompted. It's getting to the point we're more defensive of each other then anything else. This has all happened before. Down to the letter. And every time I've gone back and fixed it. and I'm sick of cleaning up after his messes, and this time around am not solving anything. There seems to be more damage done to each other in this relationship, but.. This has all happened before, and it's gotten better.

So, should I stay? I can't view it impartially enough to decide - I do love him, and he'll probably always mean a lot to me. Or do I just wait till it gets better again and keep going?


(also, I lied about keeping it short. Sorry.)
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Devious Comments

:iconkahlanamnell123:
KahlanAmnell123 Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2012
Ok look, the fact that you love him mean so little when he sounds like an arrogant bastard. You should leave, and it will be hard and for the most part you will quesiton your decision but you have to trust yourself that you are making the right decision. For the sake of your future self, and your happiness there is no point in putting yourself through all this. Your always thinking maybe if I, maybe if he, maybe but no. You cannot change him, and you wont change him. He will always be like this, and one day (maybe not now, but when the glitters of being in love falls of his ass) you will see him for him and realise that you wasted most of your life being with someone like him when you could've been available for someone nice and stable to come in and sweep you off your feet. Look your going to have to wake up and realise that his mess is HIS mess, and whether you clean it up or not he'll always leave it on the floor. My advice, pick up your pride and walk out that door.
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:iconferaltao:
FeralTao Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2012
Well, you have to ask yourself if all the emotional stress is worth it for you and if you can talk honestly with your partner about how you feel? Because that's the most important thing. You shouldn't be tiptoeing around eachother, but rather be upright that there is a problem and now you're helping eachother fix it, even if the solution is to be friends rather than girlfriend-boyfriend. It shouldn't be impossible if there really is love and a genuine wish for the best of the other person.
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:iconjessicaann87:
JessicaAnn87 Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
stay or leave. Stop trying to be a white knight. You can't change people.
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:iconsaykha:
saykha Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2012  Student Writer
I think you guys should give each other some space. Not a break-up. Just some time apart (not even talking on the phone) where you can clear your heads. Sometimes you get into a rut of just fighting all the time about rubbish. Time apart will make you forget about your anger, and then you can talk to him again (when everyone's cooled down). But talk to him about his stubbornness (and everything else that bothers in your relationship with him) - it might just be that he doesn't know how to say sorry - it might actually be a very small thing he struggles with. After you've spoken to him, having heard the truth from him, you can then make your decision of whether or not it will be best to stay with him.
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:iconamalaazula:
AmalaAzula Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012   Digital Artist
he sounds immature and not a find-a-solution-to-our-problems kind of guy. relationships will have some fights but if he never takes it upon himself to apologise or realise that he's in the wrong like you do, ask yourself why are you with him besides him being 'adorable'?
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:iconalleyinc:
AlleyInc Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I've been through the SAME problem. Except for the time frame. But, from what I read, it seems to me that the bad times outweigh the good times. I was caught in the rut of constantly thinking to myself, "Well, he's a really awesome guy when he's not being an asshole...." and that always got me to get up and fix the problem MYSELF, whereas he would sit there and not try to fix it at all. Bottom line: if he really wanted to be with you, he would have NO PROBLEM trying to fix the problems you guys have. It shouldn't only be you trying. That's like a one-sided relationship. You're giving him your all and he's just receiving and not giving in return. Since you really like him, tell him that he needs to be willing to fix the problems you guys are having. If he doesn't want to, obviously he doesn't give a shit and you need to WALK OUT of his life. It's best that way, because then you're giving yourself the opportunity to go out there and find someone better who deserves your attention. Someone who will give you their all.
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:iconwizardofunseen:
WizardOfUnseen Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
There are ups and downs in any relationships What makes you keep coming back to him?
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:iconlove-junk:
Love-Junk Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Because, he's adorable. I love the kid to death. That's why I go back to him, and when it's good it's great. we just have out weeks.
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:iconwizardofunseen:
WizardOfUnseen Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
How do his family treat him? Has he been going through a rough time? That impacts a relationship in many unpleasant ways
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:iconlove-junk:
Love-Junk Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
He's always had family troubles. He's a daddy issues boy, there's something you don't see every day. I think it stems from his family - none of his family really talk to each other, they're strangers living in the same house. and when they argue, they just get angry and then stop talking to each other.

Which is what I mean when I say he won't help. He just shuts himself down and won't talk to me at all until I all but force him to.
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:iconwizardofunseen:
WizardOfUnseen Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I suppose that is a reason why he has a hard time opening up Though he has had a rough time with his family, if he loves you, he should at least make the effort to open up You need to explain it to him patiently that if he keeps behaving this way, he is going to end up lonely and bitter If you truly love him, you should help him realize the mistake he is doing and after that, both of you can go about repairing each others lives :)
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:iconbazzyli:
Bazzyli Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
as a 19 year old who has been dating someone for 5 years, fighting is not good. Given you are so young, this guy might be your first love and in that case, he will always mean something to you. However, if he makes your life stressful and hard, then he isn't worth it. Waiting in never a good choice, you will end up waiting forever. Plus, relationships are about compassion, trust, and support. It is not your job to change him into a better person, if anything this will make it worse. If he is not the type of guy you are happy with now, then dont waste anymore time on him and find someone who is perfect for you the way they are.
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:iconcebinc:
cebinc Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
I would say it's time to move on. It doesn't mean you do not love him. I'm sure he will always be an importand part of your life. Staying together sounds like it's hurting both of you and doing more harm then good. Take a break and if it is meant to be you will find each other again down the road :) Good luck!!
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:iconwaltzingchicken:
WaltzingChicken Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
In my opinion, if you've broken up before, nothing is stopping it from happening again. I say you should leave him because if it didn't work once, it won't work the second time. If someone is unhappy enough with you to leave you, than they probably don't need you.
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:iconlove-junk:
Love-Junk Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I forgot to mention up there that the break up was over 2 years ago now, and there was a lot of outside stress on both parties at the time. We've held it together fine since. :hug:
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:iconcammieobscura:
CammieObscura Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2012
omg, you two are match made in hell. Do you think the fighting will ever change if you ever get married? I don't think so. I think it's time to leave something behind that is not good for you, this relationship. Move on.
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:iconlove-junk:
Love-Junk Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
We're only 19 :p So getting married isn't in the books yet.. Thank god. I don't think I could marry him until we're 100% sure we're all sorted anyway.
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:iconravynnenevyrmore:
RavynneNevyrmore Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012  Student Digital Artist
If he's moving very close to you soon, I'd say try to keep it together at least until he moves. Maybe the distance is putting extra stress on you. Or maybe you've both changed so much that when you get to see each other all the time again it will just become so obvious that you're no longer right together that it will be less difficult to breach the topic.
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:iconamericangirlartist:
AmericanGirlArtist Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I've been through most of that, accept my ex didn't move far away and after all I went through, all of the suffering wasn't worth it. I apologized every argument, he started every argument on something I said. I let a guy beat me up cause I cared a ton for my ex who didn't even try to stop me. And I would always cry at the end of each night wondering if I did the right thing. Basicly if things get worse just end it until he can manage to do the right thing himself. And if you ever need someone to talk to, I am here for ya
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:icon2lazy2talk:
2lazy2talk Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I think you should wait. See if he comes around, if not, ask yourself what you want to do :/
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:iconthemisplacedend:
TheMisplacedEnd Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I wwould suggest sitting down and having a serious talk about how his "messes" are making you think about breaking up for good. If he isn't willing to fix things at that point break up with him. If he's not willing to put effort into the relationship, he's not worth it.

:hug:
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:iconkausawolf:
kausawolf Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
It all boils down to, do you love him?
If yes, then do whatever it takes to stay with him.
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:icondamian-blaze:
Damian-Blaze Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
My mother loves my father very much and she always stayed with him and as a result, he made her life very miserable. She deserves so much better. Just because you love somebody, doesn't mean you should be with them.

Life is short. Why waste it being with somebody who makes you unhappy and doesn't care enough to apologize or fix things when you can be with somebody who truly loves you.
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:iconkausawolf:
kausawolf Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I guess we have different views.
I'd rather be unhappy with someone I love than happy with someone I don't.
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:icondamian-blaze:
Damian-Blaze Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Why limit yourself? Why not be happy with somebody you love?
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:iconkausawolf:
kausawolf Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Well that'd be the best option, but I'm saying if I love someone, but I wasn't happy, I'd rather try and make us happy than leave and be happy with someone I didn't love.
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:icondamian-blaze:
Damian-Blaze Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
But how many times are you going to keep trying before you realize it's not going to work? My mother has been trying with my father for 30 years. It's one thing to try and fix things. I'm all for that but if you constantly have to keep fixing things and the other person doesn't even care enough to try fix things or apologize then what's the point? 30 years of misery just because you love them? Don't you deserve to be happy?

If you leave and be with somebody else, of course you're not going to love them if you're just started being together. Nobody falls in love like that. You get to know the person and see if you have that connection then things start to happen but NO WAY will I waste my years being unhappy with somebody just because I love them. If they really love me then they wouldn't put me through that and why love somebody who doesn't love you? Why be with somebody who doesn't care? Life is too short for that.
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:iconferaltao:
FeralTao Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2012
Hear, hear. The person above seems to have some sort of idea that you can only ever love one person and if you would leave them you could never find love again. That is nonsense. I see a lot of people in destructive relationships who pass off their fears of change and their needs as "love". Anyone deserves better than that and can have it, you just have to be brave enough to not cling to what-ifs and how you'd like the other person to be rather than see it for what it is.
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:icondamian-blaze:
Damian-Blaze Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Exactly!

Couldn't have said it better myself.
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:iconlove-junk:
Love-Junk Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Love IS happiness. It may be hard for everyone outside to see, but it's there.
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:icondamian-blaze:
Damian-Blaze Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Then maybe what some people are feeling is not love. I would never let any woman disrespect me that way. I love myself too much and have too much respect for myself for that.

One of my mother's friends was murdered by her husband. A bullet in her head right in front of the cop then the cop shot him. That's not happiness.

That's an extreme case compared to this girl's situation but I'm just trying to prove a point. Just because you're in "love" doesn't mean you should always stay with them and it doesn't always mean happiness. How many women get abused by the man they "love"? That's not happiness. That's a tragedy. How many people waste their lives with people they "love" who make them unhappy? Life is a gift and I'm not going to waste it on somebody who mistreats me.

Nick Vujicic has a rare disorder where he has no limbs but a woman saw past that, fell in love with him and married him. They have an amazing relationship together. That's love. That's happiness. She can see past his disability and love him and marry him. That's happiness. Being with somebody who doesn't care enough to solve the problem or apologize and is ungrateful for what you do for them is not love and is sure not happiness. Life is a gift. Don't waste it on people who don't care. When you love yourself, you don't let anybody disrespect you like that. True love comes from within. I don't need somebody to love me just to feel loved. I love myself. That right there is happiness.
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:iconmonkeydoodles:
monkeydoodles Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012
Why not happy with someone you love? There are 3 billion+ guys out there: more than a few will love you back and treat you right.
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:iconkausawolf:
kausawolf Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
:p Well yeah, thats the best option.
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:iconmonkeydoodles:
monkeydoodles Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012
In my opinion, it's not worth saving. You fight a lot, he's not willing to work on his problems, and you've broken up before. It takes two to make a relationship, and he isn't holding his end up.
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:iconglori305:
Glori305 Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012
My opinion would be break up.

You have already done so once, and usually getting back together after a break up does not work, because the problem that started the break-up in the first place is still there, and will generally continue.

Love is not enough to keep a relationship together, and that is the only reason you have given for wanting to stay with him. If there are other reasons, you need to think about them. If they are - I don't think I can find anyone better - he loves me - I am afraid of being alone - someone (him or some third party) thinks we should stay together - are all bad reasons.
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:iconarmonah:
Armonah Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012
"Or do I just wait till it gets better again and keep going?"

This is not something you can wait for, this is something that needs effort from the both of you. If he doesn't change, the fighting won't stop. Either he changes, or you accept that the relationship as it is right now, is what it will stay like.

"This has all happened before, and it's gotten better."

It hasn't. Your relationship is still a mess, it just isn't a mess all the time. If things had gone better you simply wouldn't have made this thread.

That said, I'm not saying you should break up - that's up to you. And who knows you can (both!) still work things out. This article [link] addresses the exact dilemma you're facing right now, and gives some pointers on how you can work on relationship problems and communicating well (or if that's no longer possible, how to properly break up). It's long, but it's well worth the read.
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:iconruwich:
Ruwich Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
You guys need to talk. Sometimes, only talk helps, not screaming at each other. Invite him to your house and have a chat or talk in Skype or Facebook Chat. Tell him how you feel and everything you feel like sharing with him.

I hope you guys luck! :hug:
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:icon3wyl:
3wyl Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Ideally, in a healthy relationship, you want more good times than bad times, whether you look at it from a week's worth of conversing back and forth, a month, or a year.

As the others have said, it'll be worth trying to sort the root of the problem out there, and if he isn't willing to clean up himself or whatever, then you can't expect him to change. No one should change overly much for the other person in a relationship and if it means he'll have to change a whole lot and he doesn't quite accept it, then it may be best to move on.

So yeah, hear his side of things, let him hear yours, say what you're sick about, but invite his thoughts and opinions on what he is sick about and just put everything on the table.
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:iconcatapultedcarcass:
CatapultedCarcass Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Things won't 'get better' by themselves. Either you get to the root of the problem and draw up a compromise or you call it a day.
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:iconlove-junk:
Love-Junk Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
That's the thing - every single time I've been the one to get off my ass and make the compromises and solve the problems. The problem is that he doesn't, and it's a bit of a slap in the face for all the times I have.
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:iconcatapultedcarcass:
CatapultedCarcass Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Well then. You may love him, but what makes you think he deserves you as a loving partner?
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:iconlove-junk:
Love-Junk Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
You seem to think I'm perfect myself :p And he's a good kid when he's not a complete asshole. It's about a 5:3 ratio of nice to nasty.
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:iconcatapultedcarcass:
CatapultedCarcass Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I'm only going off what you've shared with us :shrug:
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:icondraculeariccy:
DraculeaRiccy Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012  Professional
You two probably need to talk about everything that makes you argue. If you're opinions are too different, it might be better for both of you to end the relationship.
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:iconcherylblanche:
CherylBlanche Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012
I think you two aren't compatible. Basically, you could probably get along with anyone you set your heart on, but that doesn't mean it'll work out despite you trying hard. The other has to care about you equally, and you need to not have such conflicting views to empathize properly.
I think your current rel. might work out, but you might find that both of you could fare much better with someone else.
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