Passive-Aggressive Roommate
So my roommate is this girl who on the outside is a really nice person. But she has 2 major flaws: She's EXTREMELY obsessive and passive-aggressive. I'm a fairly easy-going person, to the point where usually I'm a pushover, so when one day she came home with a white board and decided that every other week we would alternate cleaning the apartment, I just agreed with it. But now, this chart has become law, and if the chores aren't done by the written date, she begins to leave a list of the chores I need to complete. Honestly, I can understand her being mad; I forget to do the chores most of the time, but they get done, and they would get done regardless of her reminders. But now, she's becoming unreasonable. Leave a dirty dish for longer than 2 days? Takes a picture of it and sends it to me. And it just became too much today. This morning I wake up with a missed call from her and a picture of an open peanut butter container. When I go to leave my room, I find that she has placed the container, along with my boyfriend's backpack, jacket, and headphones in front of my door. And beneath his backpack were my glasses, which were luckily not broken. I know that is wasn't a huge deal since no harm was done, but she has her boyfriend to back her up, even though he's not even supposed to be living here. She's really starting to make it uncomfortable to live there, but I can't move out until next July. I hate confrontation, but at this point I have no idea what to do. I don't think she would be willing to listen to any reasoning, and I don't mind her pointing out the things I do wrong... I just wish she wouldn't have such a hostile attitude about it...
Sorry for bitching and the wall of text... I just don't know what to do...
Sorry for bitching and the wall of text... I just don't know what to do...
Comments43
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
Call a meeting. obviously things aren't going well right now. have a reasonable discussion with her. (not a confrontation, a reasonable discussion)
Before the meeting, write down the things she is doing that you have a problem with. also write down your own shortcomings. thirdly, write down at least 2 ideas which might be helpful in this situation.
present this paper in its entirety to her. then try to work out the kinks of this living situation.
one idea for a possible help to your problems:
-Establish consequences for things undone. (monetary repayment, or extra chores could be options) this would keep her from doing stuff like taking pictures of jars or leaving things in front of your door.
-take over some other responsibility yourself and leave her the cleaning duty. example: you could take out the trash and buy foods, and she could do the cleaning. that way you would both be doing what you were better at.
these are just ideas. you may come up with some of your own.
be polite, and smile and make the meeting a friendly affair. don't get in a fight, that would not help anything.
Before the meeting, write down the things she is doing that you have a problem with. also write down your own shortcomings. thirdly, write down at least 2 ideas which might be helpful in this situation.
present this paper in its entirety to her. then try to work out the kinks of this living situation.
one idea for a possible help to your problems:
-Establish consequences for things undone. (monetary repayment, or extra chores could be options) this would keep her from doing stuff like taking pictures of jars or leaving things in front of your door.
-take over some other responsibility yourself and leave her the cleaning duty. example: you could take out the trash and buy foods, and she could do the cleaning. that way you would both be doing what you were better at.
these are just ideas. you may come up with some of your own.
be polite, and smile and make the meeting a friendly affair. don't get in a fight, that would not help anything.
Just mess with her mind until she breaks and move out.
Did you sign something saying she could kick you out if you didn't do everything she told you to? If not, she has no right to treat you like a kid.
Politely explain that you have different values when it comes to free time vs. neatness.
Politely explain that if she feels like sacrificing her free time for neatness, then she's free to do so.
Politely explain that it's rude to send passive agressive notes and reminder photos, and if she sends any more, you'll ignore them.
If you don't feel like telling her these things in person, you can write her a note. If you don't feel like communicating this to her at all, just remember you have every right to tell her this whenever you feel like it.
Politely explain that you have different values when it comes to free time vs. neatness.
Politely explain that if she feels like sacrificing her free time for neatness, then she's free to do so.
Politely explain that it's rude to send passive agressive notes and reminder photos, and if she sends any more, you'll ignore them.
If you don't feel like telling her these things in person, you can write her a note. If you don't feel like communicating this to her at all, just remember you have every right to tell her this whenever you feel like it.
Seriously, some people are neat freaks, or not freaks at all and just raised to clean up after themselves. That not only means cleaning dishes after you have finished with them - not 4 days later, but also pots and pans being washed and put back in their place. I think girls can be as or more more messy than guys. But it all depends on what you are used to doing at home that you carry with you. You have an agreement, the same as a written contract. If you can't keep it than you are in breach of contract and there should be penalties. Washing the dishes for the other person when it is their turn for instance. When you have had enough of that I guarantee you will be cleaning up after yourself on time. Learn to respect each other, and that means the door swings both ways.
How about you do your chores?
Honestly, I was on your side until you started to get to specifics. Leaving dishes for two days and open containers of food sitting around are disgusting. And maybe she doesn't want to trip over your boyfriend's shit, wherever in your rooms he decided to dump it.
If SHE isn't doing her chores but is taking all this trouble to call you out when you leave something undone, then you're justified in using similar tactics, but if not -- stop being such a slob.
Honestly, I was on your side until you started to get to specifics. Leaving dishes for two days and open containers of food sitting around are disgusting. And maybe she doesn't want to trip over your boyfriend's shit, wherever in your rooms he decided to dump it.
If SHE isn't doing her chores but is taking all this trouble to call you out when you leave something undone, then you're justified in using similar tactics, but if not -- stop being such a slob.
You could confront her about it or stop being a slob...
I'm honestly not a slob. Usually, I get to my dishes within 4 days. I'm at school for most of my day, so when I'm home the last thing I want to do is dishes. Whenever I make a mess while cooking, I clean it up as soon as I'm done. And since she bleaches the entire place every other week, you could usually eat off all surfaces at any given time. I can understand leaving a note. I can understand yelling at me, giving me the cold shoulder, or even charging me a dollar each time I forget to do my chores. But in the time it took her to gather all my boyfriend's shit and the peanut butter and dump it in front of my door, she could have put the cap on the pb and written a pissy not or left a bitchy voice mail. Nope. No reasonable thought from that one.
I would of just capped the jar myself too
Tell her to stop being so anal over it. I would assume you know how to clean up after yourself and can see why it irks her, but leaving it in front of your door? really?
The way I see it, both of you have moved out from your parents house since you are now room-mates. That means that both of you, yes, including you TS, need to grow up and act like adults in your ways to resolve your issues. You share a living space together and that means you will have to respect each others space, privacy, and needs. It includes her respecting that you might not always have the time to clean, and it includes YOU respecting the rules that you set up together with her.
What I don't understand is why you simply don't clean earlier. If you're supposed to clean the house on thursdays, but know you will be busy that evening, simply tell her that and make sure she knows that you'll do your chores on wednesday instead. Or buy a washing machine and put your plates in there as soon as you're finished eating. And if you share an apartment and not literally a room, then just place your dishes in your own space instead of in the kitchen.
Really, though. Sit down and have a nice calm conversation with her about this. You BOTH need to get off each others case.
What I don't understand is why you simply don't clean earlier. If you're supposed to clean the house on thursdays, but know you will be busy that evening, simply tell her that and make sure she knows that you'll do your chores on wednesday instead. Or buy a washing machine and put your plates in there as soon as you're finished eating. And if you share an apartment and not literally a room, then just place your dishes in your own space instead of in the kitchen.
Really, though. Sit down and have a nice calm conversation with her about this. You BOTH need to get off each others case.
This is the problem. We HAVE a dish washer. She won't let anyone use it because she stores stuff in it. I tell her I will clean when I get to it. She gets irritable about it. I have no idea how to sit her down to talk. She has an inflated head (her words, not mine) and she's not easily swayed. I want to talk to her, but at the same time I'm so disgusted by her attitude and actions that I'm afraid I'd say something I'd regret.
We HAVE a dish washer. She won't let anyone use it because she stores stuff in it
Well, then. I suggest you fight fire with fire. Take her shit out of the dishwasher, stack it in front of her door, and use it for its proper purpose. If she doesn't like it and says so, then you two will have something to talk about.
Well, then. I suggest you fight fire with fire. Take her shit out of the dishwasher, stack it in front of her door, and use it for its proper purpose. If she doesn't like it and says so, then you two will have something to talk about.
Well tell her not not bloody store her shit in the dishwasher! She's got a room, tell her to use it! That dishwasher is as much yours as it is hers. If she wants you to clean up your dishes, then she's going to have to be reasonable about it. Jikes.
Look, whether or not you want to talk to her, you're going to have to. Sit down, take a few minutes to relax, and remember that she is probably a very insecure person. Yelling at her won't get anything better. But you should also inform her that, if she wants to keep her shit in your dishwasher, then she's going to get that stuff cleaned along with your forks.
Look, whether or not you want to talk to her, you're going to have to. Sit down, take a few minutes to relax, and remember that she is probably a very insecure person. Yelling at her won't get anything better. But you should also inform her that, if she wants to keep her shit in your dishwasher, then she's going to get that stuff cleaned along with your forks.
Dude, don't leave the dishes for two days. Thats gross.
You have to appreciate her too, shes living there as well and not everyone likes living in filth. You have to understand that. Either clean up your own mess, or work together. I understand where she is coming from, and its fucking annoying to live with tramps.
You have to appreciate her too, shes living there as well and not everyone likes living in filth. You have to understand that. Either clean up your own mess, or work together. I understand where she is coming from, and its fucking annoying to live with tramps.
It sounds like you two are not compatible. She wants to live in a very clean environment, whereas you are more lax. Find a new roommate because she's not going to change and unless you're willing to immediately do your chores then you'll continue to be unhappy.
Just tell her to fucking chill! Just say they'll get done and if they don't then tell her that's your problem and not her's! It really just seems like a matter of getting up, walking over to her, telling her to stop bitching, then sitting down.
This chic is not ordinary. I'm actually terrified that she'd wreck my shit if I got into a fight with her.
I see what you mean, honestly I'm not quite sure how I'd deal with something like that... 
The fact that it's a repeat occurrence serves to give proof to that claim, and her being weird enough to bring her boyfriend into it might be her getting desperate as you haven't changed habits even with her not so subtle nudges.
When you leave things hanging about for more than 2 days you are pretty sloppy about cleaning after yourself, so she may have reason to be annoyed with it, but I think she may be misinterpreting what sort of person you are.
Basically, some roommates can be real incurable slobs, so maybe she considers you one of those and thinks that unless she's this confrontational about it you'll shrugg off what she says and she'll have to deal with it until she gives you a serious reason to follow.
Basically, some roommates can be real incurable slobs, so maybe she considers you one of those and thinks that unless she's this confrontational about it you'll shrugg off what she says and she'll have to deal with it until she gives you a serious reason to follow.
The thing is, she leaves her dishes for about the same time as me. And I'm not a slob, just lazy. But when her mess goes uncleaned for two days, it's fine. She's also super controlling, and not just towards me.
Oh I see, wow she's unbelievable.
It really depends on what you ate and how many plates you have, but leaving them out for two days isn't something to get upset about.
Then again, OP's roommate is a neat freak.
Then again, OP's roommate is a neat freak.
I'd consider leaving unwashed dishes out for two days pretty gross. Unless they've been rinsed and have no crumbs/sauce/food/whatever stuck to them they can attract ants and cockroaches. It's pretty gross having hundreds of ants crawling around your kitchen.