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November 18, 2012


Replies: 16

Is she a poly?

IZ-Person Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012
I've been in a polygamous relationship for over 7 months now. Up until the past 2 or so months it has been pretty easy going. She has her things with other people, we have our things with other people. But alone, I haven't pursued anybody just yet. Maybe I flirt, but I never keep in contact or have any sort of intimate situation with anybody..until a halloween party.

Now, with this being a first time for me, someone not connected to her personal life or anything, I figured this wouldn't be a big deal. But now, she's jealous, upset when I talk to her and doubts everything between us.
I'm just curious, how does one draw boundaries that make a poly work better? I don't mind when she does things, but when I do she hates herself and guilt trips me.

How does someone establish boundaries for a one-sided poly? Or is it something that should be a monogamous relationship?

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Devious Comments

shogun3540 Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2012  Professional Artist
double standard slut, she can sleep around but you cant,
simple she's a whore, find someone else
MayJackson Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012
I agree with what everyone else is saying - sit down and try to have a calm, understanding situation where you make it clear to her that it's not fair to you if she can be with other people, but you can't.
I don't want to scare you, but I don't want you to be blindsided either - so I'm just going to add that relationships in which 1 person is far more committed/compassionate than the other partner, they don't work out. Right now, you must be more committed because up until now you've been monogamous - but she's trying to 'keep you down' in the sense that she wants you to be more attached to *her* than she is to you. It's not okay. And what *could* happen and often does in situations like that, is the less committed partner gets bored and leaves. So stand your grand - either monogamy for both of you, or polyamory for both of you. Don't play by different rules, and try to keep tabs on her emotional investment versus yours.
CammieObscura Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012
It seems like she wants the door to swing only one way, her way. I wouldn't call her poly, but more like promiscuous. Hope you can live with that because that is the rules she has set and you seem to be adhering to.
2lazy2talk Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I'm not poly, nor whould I agree with that :P
BUT, i suppose i'd say that we could have sex with other people but no other type of contact.
CherylBlanche Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012
I agree with =Pakaku, *AJGlass and ~omegawerewolf, she's been using you, and trying to be with her in a monogamous rel. will only have her abuse your trust.
Svataben Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Polygamy = marrying several people.

Polyamory = having sexual and/or romantic relationship with several people.

Apart from that, you need to have talk with her about it. Explain, without attacking, that you feel like there is one set of rules for her and another for you. Explain that polyamory has to go both ways for it to work for you.
Set some clear rules together about what is and isn't ok.
FerricPlushy Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2012  Hobbyist Artist
One sided poly isn't poly.
Kinoc-Kun Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
I have no comment. Polygamous relationships disgust me. That kinda thing should be for one you are with only. 'nuff said.
yashachan Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
The two of you need to read a book or two on open/poly relationships if you want to try to pursue this. The Ethical Slut is a good place to start, I suppose, but there are a ton of other books out there.

It's time for the both of you to consider what you want in this relationship, and to talk about it with each other. Because if you're interested in doing things alone with other people but she's not cool with it, then it's not going to work. One thing that I like about the second edition of The Ethical Slut is that it has "exercises" sprinkled throughout that are designed to help you figure out what it is you want from a relationship, how to deal with difficulties that crop up in open/poly relationships, etc.

But, frankly, if she's intentionally guilt tripping you, I don't think she's got the maturity to handle an open/poly relationship.

(Also, despite what others have said, a relationship where one person is monogamous and the other is poly/open can work, it just has to be understood and accepted by everyone involved.)
Spudfuzz Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I am monogamous with my boyfriend but he is polyamorous with his wife and myself. It works for us, but I don't guilt trip him or get jealous, and neither does she. These types of relationships can only really work if you have the personality for it though, and the maturity to talk about things instead of pointing fingers. :nod:
EbolaBearSoda Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012
Save yourself the trouble.

She won't go 'exclusive' and stay faithful. Plus the guilt trips and the like says volumes about how much respect she doesn't have for you.
Mercury-Crowe Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012  Professional Artisan Crafter
So, basically she wants it to be OK for HER to do it, and not for YOU? That's not right. The only way these things work is if everybody trusts and accepts everybody else. She doesn't trust you enough to be comfortable with you fooling around.

You should NOT have a one sided poly relationship. These do NOT work out and it will end in tragedy.
Armonah Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012
*Aret is right. If she wants a poly relationship, that means the both of you get to have sex with others. If she wants to reap the benefits of an open relationship but ALSO wants you to be monogamous, then she does not have the emotional maturity for a poly relationship.
AJGlass Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012  Professional Artisan Crafter
she's jealous, upset when I talk to her and doubts everything between us

Then you were never in a poly to begin with - she just wanted to use it as a reason to cheat on you with other people.

You should either make your relationship into a monogamous relationship (with you both agreeing to be monogamous), or get out of the relationship while you still can.

If I was a betting man, I'd say that even if she agreed to monogamy, she'd likely still mess around with other people behind your back. She just wouldn't tell you about it. Now of course I don't know her, but I've known women like her and they tend to all act in the same manner.
Pakaku Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012
She's jealous, but in a 'poly' relationship. A one-way poly relationship? Riiiiiight. Sounds like she claims to be poly only for the extra male attention. She sounds like a hypocrite, and just trouble in general. If she can't get over it, dump her. She's using you.
Aret Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
If she can't handle it, then it should be monogamous. Period.
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