Dealing with a horrible flatmate/friend/classmate
Hi!
I'm wondering if I can get some advice, as my family have already given me their view but I feel I'm still stuck.
Basically, I'm in my 2nd year at University, this year me and a classmate decided to live together. I got along with her and thought that, even if I preferred to live by myself, living with her would be alright. Bad assumption.
I'll have to put things into bullet points because there's a lot.
Don't get me wrong, I HAVE tried my hardest, but living together is about compromising both ways of living and coming to an agreement. I am living with her, not living together :/
I would write the problems but there is a lot. She's basically, arrogrant, over confident, aggressive, IGNORANT, SELFISH, petty, LAZY, and a huge hypocrite.
I try and stay calm and relaxed but there is an issue everyday, where I feel like crap. I only feel fine if I'm away from her, but it's now I'm angry and want to cry all the time. I'm in the library until midnight, but she took that as offensive, so I stopped going.
It's got to the point that I need to move out. I can move out around christmas/new year time but the problem is... we're classmates. So I'd have to feel guilty every single lecture we're in and put up with the crap she's saying behind my back :/
Most of the class knows she's not a nice person but didn't realise she caused me so much stress as I have no freedom and my classmates classed it as bullying. Still, if I moved, I'd be happier, BUT I would feel sad that I left her, because I know she doesn't listen and think she needs to change, but she (and her parents) would be so angry.
What should I do? Moving is what I want, but I dunno if it's for the best.
I am so stressed here, on sleeping tablets and COMPLETELY ignored.
Why do i have to put up with it and then when i stand up for myself, she still doesn't try to change. it's about compromising our both ways of living, but i've had to adapt to her for most of it.
I'm wondering if I can get some advice, as my family have already given me their view but I feel I'm still stuck.
Basically, I'm in my 2nd year at University, this year me and a classmate decided to live together. I got along with her and thought that, even if I preferred to live by myself, living with her would be alright. Bad assumption.
I'll have to put things into bullet points because there's a lot.
Don't get me wrong, I HAVE tried my hardest, but living together is about compromising both ways of living and coming to an agreement. I am living with her, not living together :/
I would write the problems but there is a lot. She's basically, arrogrant, over confident, aggressive, IGNORANT, SELFISH, petty, LAZY, and a huge hypocrite.
I try and stay calm and relaxed but there is an issue everyday, where I feel like crap. I only feel fine if I'm away from her, but it's now I'm angry and want to cry all the time. I'm in the library until midnight, but she took that as offensive, so I stopped going.
It's got to the point that I need to move out. I can move out around christmas/new year time but the problem is... we're classmates. So I'd have to feel guilty every single lecture we're in and put up with the crap she's saying behind my back :/
Most of the class knows she's not a nice person but didn't realise she caused me so much stress as I have no freedom and my classmates classed it as bullying. Still, if I moved, I'd be happier, BUT I would feel sad that I left her, because I know she doesn't listen and think she needs to change, but she (and her parents) would be so angry.
What should I do? Moving is what I want, but I dunno if it's for the best.
I am so stressed here, on sleeping tablets and COMPLETELY ignored.
Why do i have to put up with it and then when i stand up for myself, she still doesn't try to change. it's about compromising our both ways of living, but i've had to adapt to her for most of it.
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Have you thought about making a list oabout what's wrong with YOU? Maybe you're lazy too?@
I have thought about that. I'm not lazy. At all. I do things as soon as they need to be done. I'm up before 12PM every day. I clean after myself. I go to lectures. Sorry but I know for a fact I am not lazy.
The only thing I can see that she has probably thought about, is that I'm being blunt. Because I've had enough of her, and I have been kind and sensitive, and she still ignores me. I be blunt, she still ignores me. I could do anything and I feel she would still ignore me.
The only thing I can see that she has probably thought about, is that I'm being blunt. Because I've had enough of her, and I have been kind and sensitive, and she still ignores me. I be blunt, she still ignores me. I could do anything and I feel she would still ignore me.
If she won't talk or listen you can write her a letter. Tell her things need to change or you will be moving out. Who knows, maybe she is trying to get you to move. But you are giving her a chance to change. If she doesn't than it's on her and you need not feel guilty. Frankly with someone that rude I wouldn't have stayed longer than a week. What they need is a roomie swap and put like people together. That way they can bug each other. By the way, doesn't anyone else complain about the noise of loud music?
Okay, here's the thing:
THE ONLY PERSON YOU CAN CONTROL/CHANGE IS YOURSELF.
Don't feel guilty that she's such a heinous bitch that she drove you away. You need to do what is best for you, and fuck her. Boo-hoo, she doesn't like that you go to the library to get away from her, she can fucking deal. It sounds like you don't want anything to do with her anyway, so what do you care what she thinks?
Stop taking responsibility for her issues and focus on what you need to do to get your life where you want it. You are paying to go to university for your education, not to be her friend, so do what you need to do to get the most out of it.
THE ONLY PERSON YOU CAN CONTROL/CHANGE IS YOURSELF.
Don't feel guilty that she's such a heinous bitch that she drove you away. You need to do what is best for you, and fuck her. Boo-hoo, she doesn't like that you go to the library to get away from her, she can fucking deal. It sounds like you don't want anything to do with her anyway, so what do you care what she thinks?
Stop taking responsibility for her issues and focus on what you need to do to get your life where you want it. You are paying to go to university for your education, not to be her friend, so do what you need to do to get the most out of it.
I know, but it's just the horrible feelings >_< I guess I just need to stop being a doormat and put myself first.
I only care what she thinks because she's a very big hypochondriact and so I fear what she might say and then I'm cornered by her parents and friends.
Thank you for your reply
I only care what she thinks because she's a very big hypochondriact and so I fear what she might say and then I'm cornered by her parents and friends.
Thank you for your reply
Sometimes you need to not be a nice person in order to do what's needed.
It is always worth getting some perspective.
I fell out with my first flatmate over (in hindsight) silly things and we were both (in hindsight) fairly silly about the whole business. We basically split the flat in half and stayed to our own halves. I had the toilet in my half. My flatmate was attempting to dispose of bodily waste without access to the toilet. This state of affairs carried on for some months with both of us trying to ignore the various problems it was causing. But by then the bodily waste thing had gotten way out of control.
Obviously it didn't work. In hindsight I'm sure we could have found a way to talk to each other and compromise and it would all have been much easier.
I'm not telling you what to do. Just think about what is the sensible thing to do and think how silly you will feel in several years time if you don't do the sensible thing.
I fell out with my first flatmate over (in hindsight) silly things and we were both (in hindsight) fairly silly about the whole business. We basically split the flat in half and stayed to our own halves. I had the toilet in my half. My flatmate was attempting to dispose of bodily waste without access to the toilet. This state of affairs carried on for some months with both of us trying to ignore the various problems it was causing. But by then the bodily waste thing had gotten way out of control.
Obviously it didn't work. In hindsight I'm sure we could have found a way to talk to each other and compromise and it would all have been much easier.
I'm not telling you what to do. Just think about what is the sensible thing to do and think how silly you will feel in several years time if you don't do the sensible thing.
I don't feel like I'm being petty, I feel like I'm showing her what she's doing to me. Not all the time because I chicken out but something as simple as noise control. She blasts the TV and her music until silly hours, yet she knows she plays it loud, I ask her to turn it down, she does by 1 bar... so I left the tv on loud in the morning, whilst she was sleeping (we had to be up for a lecture anyway) and she came in and moaned at me, so I said "that's how it is for me. It's really loud and my room is closer" but she still didn't click and on the same night, blasted music until 2am :/ doesn't really make sense, she doesn't listen or understand that she's making any problem.
I don't think I'd feel silly in the future about the way she treats me, but I might do about how I've handeled it... still being walked over and not standing up for myself enough.
Thanks for your reply!
I don't think I'd feel silly in the future about the way she treats me, but I might do about how I've handeled it... still being walked over and not standing up for myself enough.
Thanks for your reply!
"that's how it is for me. It's really loud and my room is closer"
This will only cause more contention. IF you want to talk to her then do so. Don't be a passive aggressive, self-righteous prick. Talk thinks out instead of trying to force her to see your opinion.
This will only cause more contention. IF you want to talk to her then do so. Don't be a passive aggressive, self-righteous prick. Talk thinks out instead of trying to force her to see your opinion.
*things
I have tried being friendly and sensitive and she still ignored me. So I decided to just ignore her when she was being like that. That didn't work either. I'm trying to not be a prick about it, but she's annoyed and hurt me so much that my kindness is going because I'm just angry.
If someone can control there anger all the time with just smiles and being friendly and truthful... eventually they explode. Like I always do.
Thanks for your feedback, but being sensitive all the time isn't going to help.
If someone can control there anger all the time with just smiles and being friendly and truthful... eventually they explode. Like I always do.
Thanks for your feedback, but being sensitive all the time isn't going to help.
My husband only tried once to "show me how it felt" when I was being stubborn. It didn't work out for him. We just ended up more angry at each other.
You don't have to be "sensitive all the time" but you don't have to be obnoxious. Move out if you aren't happy.
You don't have to be "sensitive all the time" but you don't have to be obnoxious. Move out if you aren't happy.
their*
Hahaha this.
By get some perspective I'm not necessarily accusing you of being petty. I'm sure all these problems are significant.
What I'm talking about is how you are going to feel about you how you handled the problems. I feel certain that in hindsight I could have handled my problems without them getting out of control the way they did. I feel certain that in hindsight the problems that were caused by mishandling (studied physics, sorry if that isn't a real world) the issues were worse than the issues themselves.
By get some perspective I mean really get everything out in the open and make sure you say everything that you are thinking. It might not work out but at least you won't have any regrets later...
What I'm talking about is how you are going to feel about you how you handled the problems. I feel certain that in hindsight I could have handled my problems without them getting out of control the way they did. I feel certain that in hindsight the problems that were caused by mishandling (studied physics, sorry if that isn't a real world) the issues were worse than the issues themselves.
By get some perspective I mean really get everything out in the open and make sure you say everything that you are thinking. It might not work out but at least you won't have any regrets later...
Oh I see, sorry!!
I have been trying to speak to her, but she doesn't say anything and just carries on. There's other stuff I'd like to talk to her about but she doesn't listen or care. But I will think how will I feel in the future.
I have been trying to speak to her, but she doesn't say anything and just carries on. There's other stuff I'd like to talk to her about but she doesn't listen or care. But I will think how will I feel in the future.
There's other stuff I'd like to talk to her about but she doesn't listen or care.
Try writing it down or just sit her down and let her know that her behavior has lead you to want to move out.
Try writing it down or just sit her down and let her know that her behavior has lead you to want to move out.
A letter sounds good, it might lead to a talk between us where she might listen. Letters take thought, so she might see it is affecting me?
Thanks
Thanks
If she isn't prepared to communicate or compromise at all then fair enough. If you have said everything that you think and she doesn't care then there is nothing else to be done.
It is just that wishing you had said things that you didn't that gets to you afterwards. And I know that is what has gotten me through situations since when I didn't expect it work.
Whatever - good luck and best wishes!
It is just that wishing you had said things that you didn't that gets to you afterwards. And I know that is what has gotten me through situations since when I didn't expect it work.
Whatever - good luck and best wishes!
Thank you 
Move. If she is angry then that is her problem. No need to feel guilty.
Ah I know D; but the guilt is still there. I know I shouldn't, but I dooo <_<;;
Thanks for the reply!
Thanks for the reply!
You need to move out and forget about what she thinks. Sure she might feel offended and may talk shit about you, but this is your LIVING situation. Seriously, you need to take care of yourself and it sounds like you are incredibly unhappy in your current situation. In cases like this, you NEED to put yourself first and forget about her opinion. I wouldn't want to live with someone like that either. 
Thanks for the reply!