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November 12, 2012
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Missing my friend

:icontexascaptain74:
TexasCaptain74 Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Where to start...

Ever since I was a little kid, I have never been able to trust anyone fully, not even my parents. I have no idea why, but I felt like I couldn't go to them with my problems (probably because I thought they had enough problems to deal with with my autistic, bipolar brother). Bipolar Disorder runs in the family, and I have never been to a Doctor to see if I have it. Also, I am an INFJ, I seek meaning in relationships, its who I am. I also grew up with no best friends, I never had that friend who you could always count on or share your secrets with, so I would always cry myself to sleep and tell myself my worries in bed as a kid. In Junior High and High school, I tried being myself, I tried fitting in with the clicks, but it never worked. And up until Senior year, I had never dated anyone either.

Senior year of high school, I had a few people who I considered good acquaintances, I knew them fairly well... but not as friends, you know? Those people had already left my life because all of the few friendships that I had were one-sided, and I would always end up getting hurt.

So it is the musical, and its roughly this exact time, last year. My dance partner ends up being this girl that is a year younger than me, who I have known through a few conversations. We were not friends at the time, but knew each other for quite some time. Over the course of two months we became best friends. We were similar in every way, we even had our fights, which were resolved and yet still made it through. I know the difference between infatuation and love. Love is self-sacrifice, putting their needs in front of your own. I started to really like her and so I prayed about if I should date her or not. I talked to her father and asked her permission and he said yes, and so did she. She was my first girlfriend, and I was her first as well.

Over the course of 6 months we became very serious in our relationship. I became friends with her parents, and they eventually became my second mother and father. I felt like they were really my family. Although I was going off to college out of state, we still agreed to date through and after college and get married after. We both agreed as well that if one of us found someone else while we were separated, we would respect that and move on for the betterment of the other person.

Graduation rolls around, and then through business and family stuff, I leave for a 2.5 week trip to Asia. We stayed strong throughout it and then suddenly, about 5 days before I got back, she quit texting me. I drove to her house after only to find out she had been sexually assaulted at work while I was gone.... She ended up not telling anyone but me, which I found out later. I then was about to go to orientation for college the next week. I picked her up one day from work when she broke down in the car, and told me we had to break up because she couldn't handle the long distance. (She also dealed with depression). I told her that it was okay, and that I wouldn't mind it if she dated another guy, because ultimately, if she was happy, I would be happy - we could still be best friends like we were before.

One week later she begins dating another guy. No matter what I told myself, it still hurt a little. what hurt worse was when I would start seeing their Facebook messages back and forth on their walls about how they loved each other so much and how they were the best thing that ever happened to each other. It really started to hurt, and with me being an INFJ, and somewhat Bipolar, and hard on myself... I didn't take it that well emotionally.

I tried staying in touch with her for the rest of the summer, but it got to the point where I would text her and she might or might not text me back.

Week before college, she intentionally swallowed 120 or so Asprin because of the issues she was facing with the assault from earlier that summer. She was rushed to the ER, where I followed immediately after the news. I was the only person besides her parents that visited her in the hospital. I stayed the night at her bedside, and then checked up on her the day after. She thanked me for being with her when she woke up.

I left for college. They are still dating, and I am still as depressed as ever. No new friends in college, I have tried. No matter what I do, I still cannot stop thinking about her. She no longer talks to me.... and when she does its very shallow. Idk... im just being too clingy, but It really hurts.

It hurts alot, losing the one person in your life that you trusted your entire life, your secrets, everything to... It hurts to lose your one and only best friend, excluding the dating part. When confronted about it, asking if she hurts from breaking up, she says that it didn't affect her much, but we were still friends.

I'm sorry for such a long post guys... idk. This has been bottled up for a long time and Im going to see a doctor on campus this week for serious depression and mood swings. :(

I guess I was just wanting people's opinions on my predicament, since I don't have any physical people to tell
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Devious Comments

:iconcedarwoods:
CedarWoods Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome to send me notes if you want. I don't care if they're long.
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:iconslave2karma:
Slave2Karma Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2012
Your first heartbreak is always going to be the hardest, especially when that person was your everything. Moving on from a person who was your entire support system can be very hard, but right now, the person you need to focus on the most is yourself. You’ve been suffering with some series issues for years, and I applaud you for scheduling an appointment with a doc—it’s a good, strong step in the right direction. The better you feel about yourself, the better you’ll be able to cope with life, friendships, relationships, and all those ships. :D

As for finding some friends when you first start college, that’s always a tricky thing to do. Here are some ways I made friends when I first went to college, maybe they’ll help you as well. ^_^

1- Talk to people in your class. You'd never know it, but the person sitting next to you could have a ton in common with you. My first week of school I saw someone doodling before class started and I went right over and sat by her and started talking, three years later she's one of my best friends. Talk to someone, ask if they wanna grab lunch after class! Making friends in class is also a plus because then you've got a study buddy! :la:

2- Hang out in common areas. I'd always chill out in either the TV lounge or the cafeteria when I was drawing, doing homework, eating, or reading--either someone you know will come into the room, either from your floor, your class, or someone you met at orientation, or someone new will come in! Don't be afraid to talk to people, and if you see a familiar face, don't be afraid to go over and say hi!

3- Friends of friends are potential friends for you. Many times I'd sit down to grab a quick lunch with someone from class and people who knew them would join the table--and it would be awesome! We'd get into conversations that would last hours and more and more people would join the table, it was a blast. Some of my best friends were made this way.

4- Every event is an opportunity. Make sure you know what's going on campus. An art gallery opening, open concert, anything presents a chance to meet new people. Also, free food is nice. :D
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:iconatlantech:
Atlantech Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
if there is one thing I've learned, it's that no matter what you do, or how much you love someone, it doesn't matter in the end. She obviously didn't feel the same and it shows.
like someone else said, she's just a bitch who lost someone very special and hopefully one day she realizes it.

I won't tell you to move on cause that doesn't happen over night. But work on finding other things to focus on and eventually you will meet other people, maybe even someone better than her.

Also, STAY AWAY FROM FACEBOOK. That fucking site is nothing but a trigger and you'd be better off without it. Identify all the triggers that remind you of her and work on avoiding them or finding ways to associate those triggers with something positive.

I'll give you an example of what I'm talking about. Let's say there is a song you hear that reminds you of her. Now take the same song and listen to it as you're doing something positive that way you can associate it with what you're doing and make a new memory.
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:icontexascaptain74:
TexasCaptain74 Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Wow, great advice, friend. Thank you for the song idea. I have a song like that and I will definitely work with it. :D

Thank you for taking the time to comment, I really appreciate it <3
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:iconatlantech:
Atlantech Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
no problem, been there done that, still trying to get over that bridge myself.
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:icontexascaptain74:
TexasCaptain74 Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I hope everything gets better for you D:
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:iconatlantech:
Atlantech Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
thanks, same to you.
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:iconlisareyofhope:
LisaReyOfHope Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2012
She is just a bitch and doesn't know what she had. You were the only other one but her parents in the hospital. What does that say about her buddy, and you? You can't make someone want you. They either have a connection with you or they don't. It sucks but you have to move on and not let this change yourself, hard as that will be. Just think, lots of people have fared the same. It is not just you. I've been burned too. It is a part of life. Just put it in your lesson learned folder and move on.
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:icontexascaptain74:
TexasCaptain74 Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks Lisa. I needed to hear a blunt comment like that. :P I guess I tend to see people on the good side way too much, even if they have hurt me. I will certainly take your advice.

P.S. I'm sorry you got burned :(
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:icongreentofu:
greentofu Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Errr can't believe I read all that xD.


*sigh* I had a friend once like that. But we parted ways after high school and we all went to different Unis in different countries. It was hard for me but I learned in a couple of months to move on. Cause there was nothing I could do.

There is not real solution to this. Just several options for you to take. You can go and tell her about your feelings , since you already dated and planned for the future , go ask her what went wrong. Or you could just let it go and find new friends. Oh wait ... You can't ? Well that's because you're still holding on to her. That's why. You got to let it go before you can truly move on. I know It's easier said than done but If you don't do it , you'll just be stuck in your "past".

Don't waste your time being sad. Cause life's too short for that. Good luck !
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