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November 12, 2012


Replies: 13

I'm torn both ways! Typical boyfriend/best friend conflict.

Metaphormosis Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist

I have an amazing boyfriend.
But he's not without flaws. He's a typical human being, after all. Sometimes, though, he goes a bit far. He can be racist and sexist, and it pisses me off because the boyfriend I know isn't like that.
He's sweet and loveable and adorable on the inside, or when we're alone in relative privacy, but the face that he shows others... All of my friends hate the way he is, and no amount of "He's sweet, really" will persuade them otherwise.

Then there's the problem of break times.
This is going to make me sound so bad, but I don't know who to hang out with during break times.
If I hang out with him, my friends get irritated at me.
If I hang out with my friends, they'll also get irritated at me, because apparently I'm only sitting with them "because he ditched you, right?".
But it makes me happy when I hang out with him, because, well, he's sweet, and makes me feel like I'm the only girl in the world.
Cheesy? There's more.
Hanging out with my friends, I don't even feel bloody accepted anymore.

Example, today I was hanging out with him during break time. My friends walked past us, and I was naturally like "OMG MY FRIENDS :D" But all they did was stalk past, deliberately looking away, and I heard one of them, my best friend for three years, mutter "Yeah, right".
I dunno, my heart just crumbled right there.

Am I being too harsh on them?
Maybe they feel like they've been replaced. I talked to one of them the other day, she said this;
"We've always been here for you. Always. We were with you first, loved you first, and always there when you needed us. Now you've got him, and you always ditch us for him, but only come back to us when he's not there, or when he's hanging out with his own friends."

I don't know what to do.
Please help!
I don't want to become one of those typical high school girls who are so bloody obsessed with their boyfriends that they lose their friends, but I don't want to neglect him either.
What do I do...?

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Devious Comments

Xanedil Featured By Owner Nov 13, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
You're his girlfriend, so he has an obligation to be the "sweet and lovable and adorable" guy you're talking about. However, if he really is horrible to others he doesn't care about, that can show a lot about his character. He has to make a good impression around you, he doesn't have to to your friends.
If you've never mentioned this to him, you should. If you care about your friends, you won't let him treat them the way he does. And if it's your friends simply rejecting him, then that's a bit more difficult to solve.
Don't get me wrong, he's probably not a bad guy, and it's possible that he only has slight, fixable grievances with your friends. And if not, you may just have to balance time with each, but I don't think you should be forced to do so.
lightning-13 Featured By Owner Nov 13, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
In my opinion, you should have time for both. I think it's a bad habit, or a bad a lie, to say that you don't have time anymore for friends as soon as you enter a relationship, it's wrong, you should make time for everything. If you really want something, you'll find a way. Like they say, when there's a will, there is a way. Plan, plan plan. I think you need to talk to your friends, they are unreasonable, it's not like you choose, your bf or them, that's crap. You do have a bf and yes you want to be with him, is that bad? and you have friends too, you feel good in their company, is that wrong? why can't these things be combined? maybe you can all hang out together? or you can plan when you see your bf and when you see your friends. Or, the other way around, give your friends their medicine they deserve because this is not how they should treat you, at least you are showing interest and trying to keep up with them. I once had a friend, she liked me a lot, but during that time I was going through a phase, it was horrible, because my bf was out of town, studying for many years, we ecountered obstacles, and I was very sad and lonely. People kept pushing me to the edge, and she was one of them who didn't believe in me and who wanted me so badly to let him go, and I was so mad at her, no one ever believed that we would reunite in the end (as we actually did and things are getting better!). Anyways, we had a small quarrel, didn't speak for months, then I apologized (even though it wasn't my fault how I reacted, it was her fault because she should have understood me), and she apologized too, but ever since it hasn't been the same, I asked her if she wanted to meet, but she kept telling me that she didn't have time and had to spend it with her bf etc. Now she is happily married and I couldn't be happier for her sake. And you know what I did? I told myself I deserved better, that she was a false friend, and that I didn't need her anymore. I stopped caring about her, I don't want to see her, I don't care what she does or how she is, best of luck to her, but if she didn't want to rebuild our friendship, to try at least, then I don't need her at all. True friends are there for you no matter what, I've had other 'friends' who in the end didn't want to be with me, and I did just the same to them, I gave a damn about them, I found other friends, if they don't want me once, I don't want them a gazillion times! there is no reason to feel bad about it when it's not your fault. I have had quarrels before and yet I have forgiven my friends, and I have had boyfriends and still managed to have friends. That's why I tell you, people don't prioritize well, they come up with crap, if you really want something, you'll find a way, otherwise you will find an excuse. I have internship + studies, so I basically don't have much free time, yet I know I will find a way to spend time with my boyfriend, and also manage with school and my internship, AND also spend time with friends now and then. It's all about how you plan.. As for your boyfriend, I'd say that he is up to something, he shows two different sides. I can't tell what exactly, you know him better, but beware...
renstalker Featured By Owner Nov 13, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
It's really hard to get the balance between friends and partner right, but maybe it'd be best for you to just hang out with your partner outside school/college? I'm sure you see him all the time on evenings and at weekends right?
Metaphormosis Featured By Owner Nov 13, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks guys. I really appreciate your comments and chips of advice! Reading over what you all said, I'm starting to think that perhaps you are right about how he's showing two faces; one to me, the other to, well, everyone else. I want to relate to that, though - I feel the same, most of the time, like I have to be tough and rough and strong on the outside, because being sweet can be seen as a weakness, and I don't want to be weak. Maybe he feels the same - I would give him the benefit of doubt, but he's such a dick to my friends sometimes.

We all have our down moments, and perhaps we're both just too new to this? I like taking things slow, but within a week of dating, he's already given me my first kiss. He seems keen on making out with me, but is content with just cuddling too. I personally prefer being held, kisses instead of make out sessions. Is he taking it a bit too far too fast? Or am I just being a 'sloth'?

And, is it a bad idea to try and get him jealous?
I mean, sometimes, he would walk off with another girl to class, when I'm there on the scene as well. Maybe it's just me being possessive, but it bothers me a whopping lot. He doesn't even look towards me, doesn't even say hi or anything like that - just walks off with another girl, usually laughing and joking.
I can't help but think that I've never made him laugh like that before. Is there something wrong with me? I don't want to be replaced.
monkeydoodles Featured By Owner Nov 13, 2012
You can be a strong person without being a dick.

Go at whatever pace makes you feel comfortable. If you think he's going too fast, tell him firmly to slow down or stop. You don't have to do anything unless you want to, and your boyfriend should respect that.

Trying to make someone jealous is a bad idea. Be the better person, don't play games. I can't tell if he's playing games himself, but he should be acknowledging you if you're around. You're insecure, which is pretty normal, but it's something you should work on. Build up your self esteem and you'll be fine. Don't worry about losing him because there are 3 billion+ other guys on the planet. Many of them won't be racist or sexist either.
CrimeRoyale Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2012  Professional
Is he being SERIOUSLY racist and sexist, or just trying to be funny by making edgy jokes?

I kinda have this issue with my girlfriend. Her friends are known to crack some sick/gross jokes (well by sick/gross by normal people standards, anyway) and I will often chip in with a few, because I do like her friends and would like to get closer to them and impress them. My girlfriend however doesn't go as far with the jokes, so I have to constantly watch myself.

He could just be trying to impress your friends. Tell him to dial it back and assure him he doesn't have to push himself to fit in with your friends. If he still persists with the behavior, then I'd be more inclined to think he's just using you.

As for your friends... I'm also having this issue. Between my holiday hours at work and drawing work, it leaves me very little time. Time I enjoy spending with my girlfriend because I enjoy how we make each other feel. It seems like when I do meet up with my friends, all they do is bitch about someone else in our group who isn't living up to their standards. I'd even overheard that they would complain about me when I don't show up. I don't know how to talk with them about it, so I just don't show up anymore.
So sadly, I have no real advice for this part. Just assure them you do your best to make time for everyone. If they don't like it, then tough shit.

I hope everything works out for you.
RavynneNevyrmore Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Well, if your friends refuse to hang out with him, it's not like you have the option of hanging out with both groups at the same time! Make that case to them. And you can't always ditch him in favor of them, either, or else you won't maintain your relationship. If they insist on staying separate, it's got to be equal.

However, there is a saying: "A man who is nice to you but rude to the waiter is not a nice man." Just because he's sweet to you does not make him a good guy if he's an asshole to everyone else. That makes him an asshole who has his girlfriend fooled.
Atlantech Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
have an orgy, problem solved.
WishingUnderThatStar Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Got to agree with these comments. They've hit the nail on the head.

Your boyfriend is now showing is whole personality. And, really, he sounds like an arse. He's been racist, sexist and rude to your friends. He doesn't have to like your friends but that doesn't give him an excuse to be rude t them, either. And why is he only nice to you, especially when you're alone? To be perfectly frank, I think your friends are right on this one. You're only seeing the part he wants you to see. When he's with others, that's his true personality.
But! The way that your friends are going about it isn't right, either. I can understand why they feel like that as I've been there! Friends ditched me as soon as they got boyfriends but when they can't meet up with them or they've broken up? Well, what do you know? We're best friends again!

Sit down with your friends and talk through your problems. I would advise ditching that "boyfriend" of yours. Everything that you've said rings alarm bells.
OrangeKrissy Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2012
Sometimes we are blinded and others can see the truth where we are smitten. I tend to error on the side of friends who know me and who are out for my best interests. They are usually right.
Armonah Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2012
When you get a boyfriend (or girlfriend), you have less time to spend with your friends. Pretty obvious, right? Most people lose a friend or two when they enter a relationship, because you just don't have the same amount of time to spend on them anymore.
If your friends aren't aware of this, you have to talk to them about it, because it's pretty unfair of them to demand of you to still spend as much time with them now that you have a boyfriend, as you used to when you were still single. That's just not doable. The fact that you can't (apparently) have your boyfriend around them because they don't like him, doesn't make this any easier for you, either. But you can work out a compromise; you obviously don't want to neglect them so make that obvious to them. Ask them what they expect from you, and if those demands can be lowered if they simply ask too much.

I don't think your friends are necessarily selfish, maybe they just feel abandoned by you and haven't considered the situation from your point of view yet.

As for your boyfriend, ~saintjudas is right. He doesn't magically turn into a different person when he's around others, he just shows a side of himself that you usually don't see.
Self-Epidemic Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
Gotta agree with Siantjudas, if he cared he would be appreciative and kind to you AND your friends. He sounds like a jerk who is nice to get laid, just sayin'.
siantjudas Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2012   Digital Artist
The face that he shows to others is also him, just because he is sweet when he is alone with you does not make that the one true personality. I know you want to believe that he's only really himself when he's with you, but really it's probably the other way around.

But also, if you're friends were really your friends, they wouldn't be putting you in that position. So in reality, they aren't really your friends either. Just two faced selfish bitches. Because as you'll probably find out later when you get older, real friends won't do that to you, and also your boyfriend will get along with them, and also he'll be the person that he is, both when you're alone and around other people, because honestly, if he's acting like two different people, then he's lying in one of those cases, and really do you want him to be lying at all?

But you'll learn that eventually.
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