You're his girlfriend, so he has an obligation to be the "sweet and lovable and adorable" guy you're talking about. However, if he really is horrible to others he doesn't care about, that can show a lot about his character. He has to make a good impression around you, he doesn't have to to your friends. If you've never mentioned this to him, you should. If you care about your friends, you won't let him treat them the way he does. And if it's your friends simply rejecting him, then that's a bit more difficult to solve. Don't get me wrong, he's probably not a bad guy, and it's possible that he only has slight, fixable grievances with your friends. And if not, you may just have to balance time with each, but I don't think you should be forced to do so.
In my opinion, you should have time for both. I think it's a bad habit, or a bad a lie, to say that you don't have time anymore for friends as soon as you enter a relationship, it's wrong, you should make time for everything. If you really want something, you'll find a way. Like they say, when there's a will, there is a way. Plan, plan plan. I think you need to talk to your friends, they are unreasonable, it's not like you choose, your bf or them, that's crap. You do have a bf and yes you want to be with him, is that bad? and you have friends too, you feel good in their company, is that wrong? why can't these things be combined? maybe you can all hang out together? or you can plan when you see your bf and when you see your friends. Or, the other way around, give your friends their medicine they deserve because this is not how they should treat you, at least you are showing interest and trying to keep up with them. I once had a friend, she liked me a lot, but during that time I was going through a phase, it was horrible, because my bf was out of town, studying for many years, we ecountered obstacles, and I was very sad and lonely. People kept pushing me to the edge, and she was one of them who didn't believe in me and who wanted me so badly to let him go, and I was so mad at her, no one ever believed that we would reunite in the end (as we actually did and things are getting better!). Anyways, we had a small quarrel, didn't speak for months, then I apologized (even though it wasn't my fault how I reacted, it was her fault because she should have understood me), and she apologized too, but ever since it hasn't been the same, I asked her if she wanted to meet, but she kept telling me that she didn't have time and had to spend it with her bf etc. Now she is happily married and I couldn't be happier for her sake. And you know what I did? I told myself I deserved better, that she was a false friend, and that I didn't need her anymore. I stopped caring about her, I don't want to see her, I don't care what she does or how she is, best of luck to her, but if she didn't want to rebuild our friendship, to try at least, then I don't need her at all. True friends are there for you no matter what, I've had other 'friends' who in the end didn't want to be with me, and I did just the same to them, I gave a damn about them, I found other friends, if they don't want me once, I don't want them a gazillion times! there is no reason to feel bad about it when it's not your fault. I have had quarrels before and yet I have forgiven my friends, and I have had boyfriends and still managed to have friends. That's why I tell you, people don't prioritize well, they come up with crap, if you really want something, you'll find a way, otherwise you will find an excuse. I have internship + studies, so I basically don't have much free time, yet I know I will find a way to spend time with my boyfriend, and also manage with school and my internship, AND also spend time with friends now and then. It's all about how you plan.. As for your boyfriend, I'd say that he is up to something, he shows two different sides. I can't tell what exactly, you know him better, but beware...
It's really hard to get the balance between friends and partner right, but maybe it'd be best for you to just hang out with your partner outside school/college? I'm sure you see him all the time on evenings and at weekends right?
Thanks guys. I really appreciate your comments and chips of advice! Reading over what you all said, I'm starting to think that perhaps you are right about how he's showing two faces; one to me, the other to, well, everyone else. I want to relate to that, though - I feel the same, most of the time, like I have to be tough and rough and strong on the outside, because being sweet can be seen as a weakness, and I don't want to be weak. Maybe he feels the same - I would give him the benefit of doubt, but he's such a dick to my friends sometimes.
We all have our down moments, and perhaps we're both just too new to this? I like taking things slow, but within a week of dating, he's already given me my first kiss. He seems keen on making out with me, but is content with just cuddling too. I personally prefer being held, kisses instead of make out sessions. Is he taking it a bit too far too fast? Or am I just being a 'sloth'?
And, is it a bad idea to try and get him jealous? I mean, sometimes, he would walk off with another girl to class, when I'm there on the scene as well. Maybe it's just me being possessive, but it bothers me a whopping lot. He doesn't even look towards me, doesn't even say hi or anything like that - just walks off with another girl, usually laughing and joking. I can't help but think that I've never made him laugh like that before. Is there something wrong with me? I don't want to be replaced.
Go at whatever pace makes you feel comfortable. If you think he's going too fast, tell him firmly to slow down or stop. You don't have to do anything unless you want to, and your boyfriend should respect that.
Trying to make someone jealous is a bad idea. Be the better person, don't play games. I can't tell if he's playing games himself, but he should be acknowledging you if you're around. You're insecure, which is pretty normal, but it's something you should work on. Build up your self esteem and you'll be fine. Don't worry about losing him because there are 3 billion+ other guys on the planet. Many of them won't be racist or sexist either.
Is he being SERIOUSLY racist and sexist, or just trying to be funny by making edgy jokes?
I kinda have this issue with my girlfriend. Her friends are known to crack some sick/gross jokes (well by sick/gross by normal people standards, anyway) and I will often chip in with a few, because I do like her friends and would like to get closer to them and impress them. My girlfriend however doesn't go as far with the jokes, so I have to constantly watch myself.
He could just be trying to impress your friends. Tell him to dial it back and assure him he doesn't have to push himself to fit in with your friends. If he still persists with the behavior, then I'd be more inclined to think he's just using you.
As for your friends... I'm also having this issue. Between my holiday hours at work and drawing work, it leaves me very little time. Time I enjoy spending with my girlfriend because I enjoy how we make each other feel. It seems like when I do meet up with my friends, all they do is bitch about someone else in our group who isn't living up to their standards. I'd even overheard that they would complain about me when I don't show up. I don't know how to talk with them about it, so I just don't show up anymore. So sadly, I have no real advice for this part. Just assure them you do your best to make time for everyone. If they don't like it, then tough shit.
Well, if your friends refuse to hang out with him, it's not like you have the option of hanging out with both groups at the same time! Make that case to them. And you can't always ditch him in favor of them, either, or else you won't maintain your relationship. If they insist on staying separate, it's got to be equal.
However, there is a saying: "A man who is nice to you but rude to the waiter is not a nice man." Just because he's sweet to you does not make him a good guy if he's an asshole to everyone else. That makes him an asshole who has his girlfriend fooled.
Got to agree with these comments. They've hit the nail on the head.
Your boyfriend is now showing is whole personality. And, really, he sounds like an arse. He's been racist, sexist and rude to your friends. He doesn't have to like your friends but that doesn't give him an excuse to be rude t them, either. And why is he only nice to you, especially when you're alone? To be perfectly frank, I think your friends are right on this one. You're only seeing the part he wants you to see. When he's with others, that's his true personality. But! The way that your friends are going about it isn't right, either. I can understand why they feel like that as I've been there! Friends ditched me as soon as they got boyfriends but when they can't meet up with them or they've broken up? Well, what do you know? We're best friends again!
Sit down with your friends and talk through your problems. I would advise ditching that "boyfriend" of yours. Everything that you've said rings alarm bells.
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`anmari has been spreading her infectious positivity throughout our community for over 6 years. Throughout this time Ana has been at the core of all things devious, passionately developing an eclectic gallery, helping organise devmeets, participating in chat events and also recently completed dedicating her time as a Community Volunteer. We are absolutely delighted to bestow the Deviousness Award for May 2013 to `anmari, congratulations! Read More