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November 9, 2012
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Difficult for me to bond with others

:iconblue-harvey:
Blue-Harvey Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Although the title says most of it, I'll take my time to explain a bit more carefully.

It's terribly hard for me to bond with other people and have close friendships with them. As I started college, I thought things would change, but it seems like I'm only the friendly girl who greets at people and socializes, but after school never manages to get involved in after-class activities (hanging out, parties etc). Now I've been there almost a semester and people are already enjoying friendships while my relations to them never get more than rather shallow. I doubt, my class-mates would even care to keep in touch with me if I would drop out.
And the worst part of this whole thing is that it's not just in college, it's everywhere I go. Even in other activities not related to school, people bond faster with each other than with me. In the end, I'm always the awkward outsider.

What am I doing wrong? How can I establish friendships with other people without becoming too clingy and annoying? I'm so afraid my peers will see me as a wuss if I make some greater efforts.
Are there also other people on dA with the same problems or am I alone?
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:iconphlip627:
Phlip627 Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2012
This sounds way too familiar. In college I just compensated by spending every bit of time improving and competing. Nowadays I have better social charisma, however I prefer to keep people at arms length. The closer I get, the more disappointing the social relationship becomes for one reason or another. That being said I really don't know how to solve your problem, because I can barely solve it by myself.

The most success I had in the past is to take a legitimate interest in what people do or say, find ways to relate with them and follow up but expressing an interest in their activities. It's easier to invite someone if you already want to go to the same place. It's a good thing to at least keep in mind, but thats as much as I can say in terms of actual advice at the moment.

I'm not too certain if this is advice, this is just personal experience that you might or might not relate to. But having that kind of lifestyle, where everything felt like a social failure (amongst other burdens of life). There was a lot of anger and rage that came with it. For a while I never caught on because I did my best to mask everything, but a good amount of people picked up on it. For a short period of time I let go of all of that and everything was at its best. Figured that nothing beats a fresh start. The reason why I say this is that if you're problem is anything like mine, then a major problem could be how you're viewed based on how you view other people or life itself.

Anyways, you most likely read all of this a thousand times over from other people. I hope it helped none the less.
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:icontaitrochelle:
TaitRochelle Featured By Owner Nov 13, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
i know how you feel, although the difference is i feel everyone hates me, i try to talk to people and be friends but i just get completely ignored, my only close friend moved schools, i tried to keep in touch but her bf took her over and didnt let anyone talk to her, i do have my bf but everyone hates him and tells him to fuck off when he's just trying to be nice and caring, and that also doesnt give me a good image but i still love him, i guess just try and get out there, like im in a symphonic band, i have made a few friends there but none im really close to, i love art (well duh of course why else would i be on this site) and music and dancing and acting, so the arts in general, and i also like badminton, oh btw im 15 and only in year 9, everyone tells me it will be better once i go to uni and stuff but im so scared of being one of those adults with no friends that does nothing and ends up having a horrible life (sorta like my mum but in a way not) but i do know how you feel
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:iconblue-harvey:
Blue-Harvey Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I wish I could help you :(
also, if your best friends bf doesn't let anybody talk to her, then their relationship might be strongly dysfunctional. you should keep an eye on her.
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:icontaitrochelle:
TaitRochelle Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
yea, but according to her he fixed all her mental problems, (she has depression, anxiety, psychosis and a few other things)
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:iconblue-harvey:
Blue-Harvey Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
But still, it's hard for me to understand why a guy is interested in isolating his girlfriend from her friends. A loving person, who respects her/his partner, doesn't have to do so unless there is a good reason for it.
Have you also tried to speak to her about what she thinks about him trying to keep her away from you?
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:icontaitrochelle:
TaitRochelle Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
i have talked to her, and lately she has been able to talk to me more, thankfully, i have been trying to meet up with her but she isnt very lenient in giving up time
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:iconlowko:
lowko Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2012
You actually have to keep in touch with people on a regular basis. Having things in common certainly helps. Don't judge yourself or worry what others are going to think, there's nothing you can do, people are going to make decisions about you that you disagree with no matter how you look or act, it's better to try things out then not.

You can ...

A) Attempt new things to make friends and form lasting relationships.
B) Don't, and change nothing.

Perhaps it's your perception. Do you have proof that people are 'bonding' faster with each other rather then you? They might also feel the way you do, their friendships may be superficial.

I am, however, an introvert so my advice beyond inflection is practically useless. I've accepted and come to embrace my hidden nature. I can be friends with every single person at work without anyone knowing a thing about me, and when I leave the job I simply disappear like dust to the wind.
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:iconblue-harvey:
Blue-Harvey Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Still, your reply made me feel better. Your advise isn't useless after all.
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:icon0rg:
0rg Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2012
try superglue
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:iconmartinoice:
Martinoice Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
What's so great about friends and bonds anyway? :P
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:iconblue-harvey:
Blue-Harvey Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
The connection and the fun stuff they do together. It makes me incredibly jealous to see how most people have it but me :(
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:iconmartinoice:
Martinoice Featured By Owner Nov 13, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Meh, I think it is overrated.
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:iconsiantjudas:
siantjudas Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2012   Digital Artist
You just have to wait until you find the right group for you. It might take a long time, and it might not be where you think you'll find it, but eventually you'll find a group of people that you can bond with the same way you feel everyone else is. It took me forever to find it, and honestly I had to stop looking and end up in the weirdest place to find it.
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:iconblue-harvey:
Blue-Harvey Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I would honestly not be suprised if it would happen to me too.
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:iconsiantjudas:
siantjudas Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2012   Digital Artist
It will, eventually, you just have to stop looking so hard. Just be yourself. I never had and still don't have that many good friends from my college. Most of mine are scattered and between 5 years younger and 20 years older.
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:iconblue-harvey:
Blue-Harvey Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
But in the other hand, it kinda sucks being the most introverted kid with the least amount of friends in class. It's like you failed by the standars set by sociality.
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:iconsiantjudas:
siantjudas Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2012   Digital Artist
Well introversion is fixable. Least amount, who cares, quantity doesn't denote quality. And fuck societies standards. If that's what they are, I want no part of them.
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:iconmuenli:
MuEnLi Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
I completely understand how you feel and am currently in the same position as you are. The only difference between you and me is that I have come to accept my own social awkwardness and isolation. Unfortunately not only am I socially awkward but I am also a workaholic, so my busy life does not allow me to have a social life anymore. I am tired of trying to maintain relationships that people no longer want to make any effort to and it does not help that everyone else is busy and our schedules do not match either. We are separated by distance and circumstance. I am tired of being friendly and social, and my only saving comfort is working behind my computer screen. Yet it is because I accepted myself that I am happy. I have a wonderful boyfriend who loves me a lot and friends who do not want to leave me alone despite our distance. The more I stopped caring about the amount of people that I interacted with, the more I had social interaction. I became more of myself rather than the social 'model' that society expects us to be. Many artists by nature are introverts despite our emotional bursts of mood swings and creativity. To be honest, I do not know what kind of person you are apart from the post you have described yourself, but from what I am reading it sounds like you are trying too hard to make friends. And I do not blame you because you are feeling lonely and want the interaction that many artists and people crave, sharing the same ideas and doing fun things together, I too want that and often times I will feel jealous and lonely that I cannot have that same interaction with any of my artist friends or my boyfriend for that matter. In the end though, I have accepted that I cannot be like everyone else because we are different and that instead of trying to be part of a group, I would rather be my own group. Call it cynical or selfish but at least I am happy and I control that happiness. No one can take that from me, my "friends" are either with me or not.

My perspective may not exactly be your cup of tea but it is another way of looking at your situation. Rather than conforming to society's standards of attaining friends, make friends on your own turf. Stop trying to please everyone because in the end you will not feel fulfilled and the feeling of loneliness will not go away. You will become your own emotional slave. If the people around you do not want to interact with you, leave them be. There are billions of people around the world that could potentially be a better friend for you compared to those people, heck even online. Be happy of your loneliness, it gives you a chance to pursue your own ideas and projects that make you happy and could potentially attract people to you. So chin up and face the world in a new perspective. Be more confident of yourself and wow... this is a long post. I hope you don't mind the long read but I could not help but relate to you deeply. I hope my post and the others that have posted before me have helped you in your endeavor. Be happy~
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:iconblue-harvey:
Blue-Harvey Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thank you for taking your time to write this long post.
Personally it feels like I would give up if I would accept that I might be better of lonely because I'm really trying too hard right now :( perhaps I'm only into it because it's human to go for something you can't get.
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:iconslippymagnus:
SlippyMagnus Featured By Owner Nov 10, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I used to have this problem, but I solved it by just trying something new.

Being a bit more open with people. You may want to be careful doing this, as one of my deeper secrets was ripped apart in front of me, but, if it works, it does well.

Greet lonely people especially, but don't exclude anyone. If you want, I'm always open to chat (give or take a day, I'm not on 100% of my life) about you and yours. I'd rather help someone else I've never met than make my day by eating a donut or whatever else.

Virtue is it's own reward.
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:iconblue-harvey:
Blue-Harvey Featured By Owner Nov 11, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thank you so much for your comment and kind offer. I'll definitely think about it.
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:iconslippymagnus:
SlippyMagnus Featured By Owner Nov 11, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
/Tips hat
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:iconapocalypticcandy:
ApocalypticCandy Featured By Owner Nov 10, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
I have the same problem. I was always a nobody or a backup friend. Now that I'm in college I have people I talk to and are sort of friends with, but I have yet to have a close friendship with anyone. Don't give up trying to socialize- I did that in high school and it didn't end well.
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:iconblue-harvey:
Blue-Harvey Featured By Owner Nov 10, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Then I'll keep the socializing going on, even if it feels unrewarding and meaningless sometimes.
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:iconjonas-lightfoot:
Jonas-Lightfoot Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2012
Be more forward. You have built in common ground with the people in your classes, so take advantage of it. Post a flyer asking if anyone is interested in a study group, or just ask some people you'd like to be friends with. That gives a safe structured out of school enviornment. Then, if you guys get in a cool conversation, you can move it to hanging out some time, and go from there. :)
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:iconblue-harvey:
Blue-Harvey Featured By Owner Nov 10, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thank you, I'll try this out
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:iconralola:
Ralola Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2012  Student Digital Artist
I was the same way most of my life. I found that not worrying about it is the best course of action. If you let it get to you it can cause some health problems :(
Besides you don't need to go to parties to be social just complimenting someones outfit can lead to a whole new friendship^^
N' if it's still bugging you take time to make a plan. Brainstorm ideas on how you can be social, come up with conversation topics etc.
Don't let your self doubts stop you from well, being you! You can do anything you want but nothing will improve if you don't take the initiative.
It's like how do you expect to move forward if your standing still?
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:iconblue-harvey:
Blue-Harvey Featured By Owner Nov 10, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Good advice, thank you for that one!
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:iconralola:
Ralola Featured By Owner Nov 10, 2012  Student Digital Artist
No prob happy to help^^
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:iconfirstxaidxkit:
FIRSTxAIDxKIT Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2012  Professional Interface Designer
Haha are you me? Because I can definitely relate. I go to university with my boyfriend and best friends from high school and none of them are in any of my classes (I'm in an art school and they're in the academic schools), so I have them to hang out with. But when it comes to the other designers, I'm friendly with them in class and say hi to them when I see them outside of class, but I almost never go out of my way to hang out with them outside of class and vice-versa. So I really don't know how to solve the issue except to make more of an effort to hang out outside of class, but I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone.
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:iconblue-harvey:
Blue-Harvey Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thank you for that.
It seems to be common after all, according to the answers I've gotten on this thread so far. Perhaps we should all gather together and hang out, haha.
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:iconfirstxaidxkit:
FIRSTxAIDxKIT Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2012  Professional Interface Designer
:w00t:
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:iconprosaix:
prosaix Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2012
So... did your crush not invite you to a party he was having or something? :o
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:iconblue-harvey:
Blue-Harvey Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Nope, that's not my problem. Otherwise, I would have mentioned it.
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:icongragonwings:
Gragonwings Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2012
Look for others like yourself. Trust me, it works. Instead of trying to get into the popular click or something find one of two other people who are being left out, aren't dressed as nicely, aren't pretty or what ever. Gather them around yourself. Soon you'll have a close nit group of friends.

Trust me, I know what i'm talking about. I'v always lived in the shadow of my older sister. She had more friends than I did, she was more popular, prettier, slimmer. Everything that I wanted to be. And she was the type of girl that every guy fell for. It was hard. But then I started hanging out with other outsiders. It changed my life.

I hope this work and everything works out for you. You sound really awesome. :)
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:iconblue-harvey:
Blue-Harvey Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Firstly, thank you for the kind reply-letter.
I'm actually looking at people who are like me because it's already clear to me that I won't fit in the prep click. But the problem is that they are often gathered around the preppy/popular/pretty ones and somehow chose to stick to them.
I'm happy for you and how things worked out in the end.
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:icongragonwings:
Gragonwings Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2012
Why don't you try invited them out to lunch or something even just to sit with you during lunch brake or something. Might help you. :)

Thanks. :D
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:iconblue-harvey:
Blue-Harvey Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Sitting with them during lunch break is something I actually do, but trying to invite them out might be a way to go, although I'm shy and not alpha enough to persuade a group to do something.
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:icongragonwings:
Gragonwings Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2012
I'm the same way really. But if you put on a smile, act like you know what your doing even if your cringing inside there going to think your confident and know what your doing. It works. try it.
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:iconblue-harvey:
Blue-Harvey Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
thank you, I'll do
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:icongragonwings:
Gragonwings Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2012
Hope everything goes well. If you want to message me and let me know.
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:iconwebdesign24:
webdesign24 Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2012
Somehow I understand you and I didn't see anything wrong with you according to your story. We can't please everybody to like us but it doesn't mean that you cannot have friends who can accept, understand and love you as who you are. I believe you can find a friend or peer who have same personality as you. Just be yourself that's what matter.
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:iconblue-harvey:
Blue-Harvey Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thank you too for answering, but I got a problem: I'm not even sure about my own personality. Also, the times I've been myself I've only found out that a complete high-school class were crap-talking about me for being myself. That really hurt.
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:icondorkface4:
dorkface4 Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2012
I have the same problem
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:iconblue-harvey:
Blue-Harvey Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
That must suck big time ):
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:icondorkface4:
dorkface4 Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2012
Yeah it does. I can't figure out what I'm doing wrong...
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:icontokyov:
TokyoV Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2012
You are certainly not alone. My inability to make real connections comes more from being socially inept than anything else, but I know where you're coming from I remember thinking it would get better going into university too, but yeah, it didn't. I was fortunate enough to have a few people in high school approach me before I graduated, but I never formed any real bonds afterwards.

I can't believe I'm using this phrase, but I think you just need to be yourself. Maybe they'll find you annoying and clingy or maybe they won't. It's impossible to know ahead of time.
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:iconblue-harvey:
Blue-Harvey Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thank you for the reply, but "you need to be yourself" is easier said than done.
As I remember, in juniour high I used to be myself and didn't try to immitate somebody else. I later got to know trough my brother that most people in class talked a lot of crap about me and "awkward" things I've said and done, such trivial things I didn't even think of myself. Although I've been friendly to people and never done anything solely to spite somebody, I got to hear how my class-mates (except those in my clique) apparently despised me.
Things haven't been the same for me after that. I'm afraid it's going to happen again if I'm myself and that the people I'm "clinging" to, might play along only to backstab me later on.
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:icontokyov:
TokyoV Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2012
Yeah, that's why I said I can't believe I'm saying it. It's like saying, "just get a job." What I was trying to get at is that no matter how you act, there are going to be some people that find you annoying, and some that don't. You seem like a pretty likable person, so there will probably be more people that like you than those that don't.

So much like I need to learn how to hold a conversation, you'll need to work around the notion of being rejected a couple times on the way to your goals. Two things that aren't very easy to do, but we don't really have a choice.

I'm fairly confident that the people in university are more mature than the people you went to junior high with. Even the ones that dislike you probably won't be secretive or bitchy about it. Plus, a lot of university students are just too busy or stressed out to bother with that kind of drama.
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:iconblue-harvey:
Blue-Harvey Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Sorry for the misunderstanding, now I get it.

In the end, I don't think that rejection is the thing that is scaring me. It's more HOW I'll be rejected. I've been dissed in quite rude ways before.

People might become more mature, but the don't have to become nicer just because of that. But I can hope that it's true that people will be too stressed to care.
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