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November 7, 2012
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Running Out Of Time

:iconavatar-720:
Avatar-720 Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
And options.

Since my mum was discharged from hospital after suffering from a relapse of her Paranoid Schizophrenia, I've had daily panic attacks and multiple periods of catatonia (as yet undiagnosed, but my therapist didn't challenge the use of the word, especially since it's the only one capable of defining what I am experiencing -- she was also very interested in how the catatonia occurs when I'm anrgy and often leaves me extremely agitated).

This is an extention of the clinical depression from which I already suffer, and has rendered me incapable of doing pretty much anything as my mother's carer.

Unfortunately, most of the channels of help have been exhausted. My GP is unwilling to refer me to a second psychiatrist specialised in something more befitting my current mental state, and is also unwilling to prescribe me antidepressants.

All the organisations I've been told to contact have simply pointed me to yet more organisations, who have passed me back to the original ones.

My mum's family have convinced themselves that I'm just attention seeking and lazy, and have poisoned Social Services in order to turn them against me (I've never actually spoken with anyone from SS about my condition, nor have they been in contact with my GP or current therapist, so what information they have has been given by my family, who have a habit for twisting the truth in order to benefit their current goals, and obviously have no idea what I'm going through or are unwilling to even try and understand.

To them, I am a regular 19 year-old (I've been looking after my mum for a few years now, getting nothing but criticism from my family who always find excuses to not help) who is just bone-idle.

It's only my therapist and my dad's family who have taken any sort of interest in what I'm going through. My mum and dad divorced a while ago, and he moved with my brother to Wales, so we have little contact. However, both he and his family understand how my mum's family like to twist the truth, as they've been on the recieving end of their lectures and snide remarks that always manage to shift blame from themselves to oneself.

My dad's family aren't in any position to intervene on my behalf, and my therapist is current investigating whether or not I have any other ways to get help, but my next appointment is the 23rd of November, and by the sounds of it, I'll have been forced out of my mum's house (which I pay 1/3rd of the rent for, despite how she gets it paid by benefits herself, as well as paying for the Virgin Media TV and Broadband + most of the food) by my family a good while before then.

My only chance of even buying myself time is to call an abulance out (I cannot leave in the middle of the night, nor can I walk the distance due to my Osgood Schlatter's disease; I also can't afford a taxi since my last injection of allowance and income support went right on paying bills and food, so I have 16 left in my account) and voluntarily present myself at A&E, since I feel that, if this were to carry on as it is doing (and it will), then I will undoutbably reach a stage where I will cause myself and/or others around me a great deal of harm, be it through a violent attempt to escape a situation, or through an attempt on my own life.

The only downside to hospitalisation is that I will be without everything that has kept me at least slightly sane. My computer and friends (I have no friends currently in close proximity) will not be there, I will be unable to continue my writing outside of notepads, I will have no access to my warhammer models to play with or to paint, and I will not have my bookshelf. Everything I rely on to take my mind off what I'm going through will not be there.

It seems as though I'm stuck, really. There's actually no visible way out of this that doesn't involve causing myself harm. If I stay, I get kicked out, become homeless, and I snap. If I go into hospital, I might get help, my family might then understand a little, but I sit in a bed for hours, surrounded by mad people, with nobody but myself for company.

I am really running out of time here, and I don't know what to do. I have a huge list of issues and things I've been through in my life, and this feels like a final kick in the bollocks for good measure (I already had my kick in the teeth a few years ago). Nobody has helped me through my life, only harmed, hindered, and criticised.

I wonder if, should the worst come to worst, my euology will be one giant criticism; it certainly wouldn't be out of character.
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Devious Comments

:iconcedarwoods:
CedarWoods Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Have you tried an acupuncturist? They may be able to help with your problem.
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:iconpuppy-dangerous:
puppy-dangerous Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012  Professional Artisan Crafter
If you go to the hospital or call an ambulance or the police to take you there and tell them you feel like you are going to kill yourself they will admit you and send you into a mental health clinic (or refer you to one and then give you a ride there if you need it) where you can be properly diagnosed and get medication.

If you are admitted as suicidal you will usually be kept 72 hours then released if you feel you are ready to leave.

There aren't really any 'mental institutions' like you see in movies anymore. It's more likely to be a building with a couple different large rooms with multiple beds, men in one and women in another, a kitchen/dining room, rec room, and a few meeting rooms. It's not unpleasant at all, you'll get to talk to doctors and nurses who will help figure out what's wrong and what you want to do about it. You will then be able to get extended care through them or someone else.

If you can't afford treatment they will find somewhere that is low or no cost to you. I get treatment free because I don't qualify for assistance and can't afford to pay for it myself.
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:iconavatar-720:
Avatar-720 Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I think it probably differs here in the UK, because my local hospital (and at least one other I've been to as a visitor) has on-site mental health wards, and since I took my mum in when she relapsed, I know the proceedure.

The possibility of harm wouldn't be the main focus, either. The main focus is that something is wrong and I need help, the harm is a possible consequence of not getting it. As much as it seems like a way of making sure I'm seen, I'd only mention it because it's true; the possibility is there but I want to make it clear that I've come voluntarily in order to avoid that consequence, and to help remedy the situation.
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:iconhippo-rim-job:
hippo-rim-job Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012  Hobbyist Artist
I'm assuming you've never been in a state run hospital.
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:iconpuppy-dangerous:
puppy-dangerous Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2012  Professional Artisan Crafter
I know friends who have, and I know those can be different. They do emergency placement here at one of two locations, the state hospital if you are violent or a local one if you aren't.
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:iconhippo-rim-job:
hippo-rim-job Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2012  Hobbyist Artist
It sounds like you are experiencing the high end of things.
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:iconkazali:
Kazali Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I will undoubtedly reach a stage where I will cause myself and/or others around me a great deal of harm, be it through a violent attempt to escape a situation, or through an attempt on my own life.

Having been an psychiatric in-patient on two separate occasions, I'm not very fond of the process, but the fact that you've admitted this to yourself makes me think you're a good candidate for a psychiatric institution. Even if you're having difficulties with your home life right now, hurting yourself or someone else will make things much, much worse, so you need to do whatever possible to get yourself into a more stable mental state, even if that means checking into the hospital for a couple days. No matter how long they keep you (I don't know what UK policy is, but if it's like in America you probably won't be there more than a few days), it's a blip in time, and if it helps even the slightest, it'll be worth it.

The only downside to hospitalisation is that I will be without everything that has kept me at least slightly sane. My computer and friends (I have no friends currently in close proximity) will not be there, I will be unable to continue my writing outside of notepads, I will have no access to my warhammer models to play with or to paint, and I will not have my bookshelf. Everything I rely on to take my mind off what I'm going through will not be there.

Your feelings are understandable, but I want to point out a few things: 1) Adult psychiatric wards, especially where you are admitted on a voluntary basis, give you a lot more freedom than you might think. When I was admitted, they let me bring books and keep pencils and paper to write with. No, you don't get access to computers and no matter what they allow, it won't be the same as home. But if you have your creature comforts and you're still considering killing yourself, then they're not working anyway.

2) On a similar note, functionally mentally ill people (that is, people who can bathe, feed themselves, etc.) and those who cannot care for themselves/aren't in their proper minds usually are kept separate to some degree. If the hospital and staff is worth their salt, they'll acknowledge your concerns and keep that in mind while they treat you. They don't want you to feel uncomfortable and more stressed because you're worried about someone hurting you. You'll find that many of the people there (I'll even go as far as to say the majority) are just like you - aware and functional to a basic degree, but just dealing with some difficult emotional or environmental stuff. Because they're suffering, they'll be sympathetic to your situation and could actually offer exactly the kind of support you're lacking at home. Both times I was committed, 90 percent of the people were alcoholics, depressed, or bipolar. These were the same kind of people I met on the street or went to school with, not "mad" at all. There was one severely schizophrenic woman who was obviously unable to care for herself, but she was in a completely different ward and I was only in her company for about 10 minutes during dinner one day; the rest of the time was spent in my room or in group therapy with people in similar conditions. So try not to assume you'll be out of place; some people I met were a delight to talk to. Some people even stay in contact as friends once they leave.

3) A psychiatric ward has more flexibility with regard to medical treatment because they can monitor you closely for side effects or improvement, so if your current doctor is unwilling to give you medication and you think it could help, you'll definitely have access to those resources in the hospital. You'll also be able to talk with other professionals who could offer a refreshing change of perspective or course of action.

I would be lying if I said I liked being in a hospital; I would've loved to avoid it if I could have. But when you're at the end of your rope, you have to be willing to do whatever you can (within reason) to get better. Just don't give up. :heart:
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Avatar-720 Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks for the advice :)

One of the reasons I've been thinking about admitting myself is that I would be seen by someone more qualified to understand anything I'm suffering from, and that it would be done quickly. To get my current therapist, I had to wait nearly a year, despite being told I'd be seen in 6 months. I'm not complaining about that, but I am worried that going through the referral channels would take too long for preventative measures to even be viable, nevermind effective.

The conditions of psychiatric wards are giving me a bit of confidence, but if the UK is indeed stricter as hippo says, then it might be a false hope, but I might as well treat it as being as you say.

As for access to medication, I've been giving my mum the same cocktail of pills for years, and I'd hate to become dependant on anything so powerful, or as many things as she's dependant on. Medication isn't what I'd go looking for, but I'd be willing to accept it.
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:iconkazali:
Kazali Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
That is definitely a good reason to consider hospitalization. I'm going to get a second opinion from a new psychiatrist in December, but I had to make the appointment months ago. Mental health professionals are horrendously overbooked and overworked. At the hospital you would see a psychiatrist and social workers every day instead of every six months, which means you have a much better chance of getting diagnosed and treated properly.

But it's extremely important that you know what you're getting into before you commit to anything. Take a good look at your local and national mental health laws -- they should be public record. Find out whether there's a minimum stay or if you can check yourself out whenever you're ready to leave. Find out the legal definition of involuntary and voluntary hospitalization, find places in your area that offer them and research. Also make SURE you know your rights in detail; professionals are not always as explicit as they should be as far as procedure, so if you choose to be hospitalized (and even if you don't), write down all the questions you have and get a detailed answer to each one. Knowing and demanding your rights could be the major difference from a pleasant experience and a horrible one. Don't take anyone's shit, and don't let anyone force treatment on you that you're not 100 percent sure of. It's your health, so you need to be your biggest advocate no matter what. Do that, and everything else will fall in place. Best of luck. :heart:
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:iconkingstephenarthur:
KingStephenArthur Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012  Student Photographer
bro, that's fucked up. I don't know what to tell you man. I have suffered from panic attacks so I decided to read on thinking I may be able to help, but there is so much more going on man....shit.

hippo-rim-job seemed to give a pretty informative answer...but shit...lol
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:iconavatar-720:
Avatar-720 Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I'm open to any help you can give me. It's not so much one large issue than a lot of smaller ones, so if you can help with any of the smaller ones, then go ahead :)
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:iconhippo-rim-job:
hippo-rim-job Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012  Hobbyist Artist
Have you ever been tested for epilepsy? Your supposed catatonia may actually be a seizure -just a thought.

Also you sound paranoid. Mentally ill or not, your goal should be to overcome your limitations however possible. Not to embrace them. Osgood Schlatter's disease is treated with acetaminophen and cold compress. So while I imagine it is painful. It isn't necessarily so debilitating that it robs you of your mobility.

Usually when I encounter people who have developed the mentality that none of their doctors will listen to them or give them the medication they need, it's because they are delusional and the doctors are doing their job. That may not be the case with you. But logically speaking, it usually is.

The bottom line is, if you wish to embrace the identity of one too mentally ill to function, say goodbye to your independence and your right to make decisions for yourself. It seems like the easy way out, I'm sure. But it really isn't. Either way, I know people with leukemia who have been told by the government that their condition doesn't qualify as a disability. So if you decide to apply for social security, have low expectations.

Being an in-patient in a mental hospital also may sound like a way to make your family take you seriously. But it is not a place anyone should want to be. And remember that once you are in there, if you were admitted due to being a danger to yourself or others, you will have a hell of a time getting out.
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:iconavatar-720:
Avatar-720 Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I have not. My mother is epileptic, although that might have little to no bearing.

My OS disease is unresponsive to paracetamol or ibuprofen, and cold compresses have an equal lack of effect. My GP prescribed me diclophenac a few years ago, but we agreed to stop the course after it began to stop having an effect. Also, if you can only imagine that it's painful, how could you possibly know how debilitating it is? Contrary to what you say, when it strikes it renders me unable to move the affected leg for hours, so if that were to happen whilst walking to the hospital, I would be in trouble.

You seem to be assuming that I am looking for medication. You are wrong, I am not looking for medication, I am looking for help. Help =/= medication. My GP refused to prescribe me antidepressants and sleeping pills when I came to him with the recommendation from a senior doctor's aide (I did not make the request for pills, she was the ony who recommended I ask), saying it was rubbish and doping me up would make it worse, a view I am inclined to agree with.
If you wish to palm me off as being delusional, be my guest, but it very much appears to me that I'm being ignored by everyone but my therapist (so I don't think that none of my doctors are listening, please stop twisting my words).

I don't want to 'embrace the identity of one too mentally ill to function'. You are again twisting my words. I am all too aware of mental illness (for Christ's sake, I have been looking after my Paranoid Schizophrenic mother for the past few years) and what it means. I just somebody to recognise that there's a problem here, because I need help with it and I am not getting support from anyone but my therapist and a little from my dad's side of the family. You're also basing your assumptions of benefits on the US system, whereas I live in the UK. I don't exactly want to go on any disability benefit, but I thought I'd make it clear than I'm British and not American.

Bein an in-patient is one of two options, and I already know the downsides, but how else can they be made to understand? I've already broken down in front of my grandmother, and that didn't faze her (please do not mistake that comment as meaning I broke down in an attempt to convince her). They are constantly applying pressure to me that they are unwilling to lift of help with. I am being blamed for everything that is going wrong. I am being guilt-tripped and shouted and my own family are giving me utimatums along the lines of 'grow up or be thrown out', without taking into account that something might actually be amiss.
One way or another, something is going to give, and I am only trying to find a way to prevent it.
There is also the fact that, in the UK at least, patients can volunteer to be admitted into hospital for psychiatric treatment. Later on, if I'm believed to be a risk, I can be sectioned, but the fact that I will be volunteering and fully co-operative should not give anyone a reason to do so. As I said, I am not currently a danger to anyone, and they will take that into account when factoring in that I am there as a preventative measure, not because something has already happened.
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:iconhippo-rim-job:
hippo-rim-job Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012  Hobbyist Artist
Epilepsy is hereditary. It can occur without a family history. But I think the chances of having it are five times greater or something if you have an immediate family member. You can look it up if you care to.

Schizophrenia is also hereditary. Consider it a possibility.

Diclophenac is just another NSAID, not much stronger than over the counter stuff. If a non-steroidal isn't working. Try a steriod. Also don't assume I don't know what pain is or about physical suffering or about what it's like to search for a way to deal with it. Coming to the conclusion that ignorance is the only logical reason why a person would disagree with you is a sign of extreme immaturity.

I did not assume you are seeking medication. But you do seem to think you know what you should or should not be taking or who should be giving it to you. There is a good chance that you will need some kind of medication to treat whatever is wrong with you. But your GP refused to prescribe you anti-depressants because they are not really qualified to do that. The responsible thing is to refer you to a psychiatrist.

If your therapist is not ignoring you, then focus on whatever progress you can make with them. You can't control what anyone else does.

The laws regarding mental patients are actually more strict in the UK. So you living there doesn't really alter anything I've said.

The fact that you are so defensive and already trying to group me in with the other people who are supposedly twisting everything you say leads me to think you are at least mildly delusional.

Take control. It's your life. So your dad's family isn't around? Tough shit. Deal with it. Everyone's life is hard in some way. It sounds like you want some kind of attention or validation for your suffering. Which isn't altogether wrong. Everyone wants that. Thing is, you might not get it. You can't make people understand and you can't make them care. And if you make your recovery dependent on that, you might as well throw in the towel now.
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:iconavatar-720:
Avatar-720 Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I am not trying to group you in with anyobdy, it's just the impression you gave with your post. I'm sorry if I misjudged you (although you do seem to want to say I'm delusional if you can; to start with I'm delusional, and by trying to justify my viewpoint I'm also delusional... Forgive me if I'm wrong but from where I'm sitting, it should be reasonably clear how I managed to come to the conclusion I did.

Epilepsy is hereditary ... Schizophrenia is also hereditary.

I didn't know Epilepsy is, but I know that Schizophrenia is. I also know that Schizophrenia has only about a 6.5% chance of occuring in people this way, and I also want to avoid diagnosing myself with anything (note that I've not said that "I definately have XYZ" except the clinical depression, which has been diagnosed), especially since it could create further worry than I can really do without. Right now, they're only possibilities, and the numbers favour me not suffering from them.

As far as the attacks being siezures go, they differ from what my mum experienced in that I usually retain my ability to speak during them (but not during the catatonic (again, used only to describe the effects) periods, where I only have control of my eyes and thoughts), but aside from that they could be siezures. However, the therapist did not comment on that possibility, and what she told me about panic attacks seems to fit, too, so I think I'll apply Occam's Razor for now.

As far as taking control goes, I am trying, but it's difficult. Nobody else is willing to look after my mother, and I can do without being harassed about throwing in the towel and leaving. I also need to apply to councils for housing, which could take ages, I'd need to find a job which I was unable to do previously (even at superstores like Tesco or Sainsburies) for various reasons, including, but not limited to, overqualification or lack of experience.
I'd have to find a removal agency to gather my stuff, since my family will not doubt take offence that I'm leaving my mother behind (despite it being what they're trying to force to happen; it was the same when my dad divorced my mother, he was criticised at home for not helping, afterwards he was criticised for not staying to help). Having my dad's family around would at least give me a constant point I can use as an anchor, so there would be less stress surrounding everything that needed doing. Staying here whilst trying to find housing and a job will be just as stressful as it currently is, save for the fact I'll also be called in every 2 weeks by the Job Centre to be told how disgraceful I am because I haven't got a job yet.
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:iconhippo-rim-job:
hippo-rim-job Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012  Hobbyist Artist
although you do seem to want to say I'm delusional if you can

And there it is, right there. Do you have to get little digs in when arguing with your family as well? It could be why you've become the boy who cried wolf to them.

When someone complains of something for years, however valid it may be, their complaints eventually become noise, even to their supposed loved ones, especially when those people sound about as warm and fuzzy as a pile of wet laundry.

You don't know me at all from 3 comments. But you've already attributed motives to my input, as though we have a history together. I am not these other people. Do not project your past experiences onto your every interaction. It is always a mistake.

Those do not sound like any panic attacks I have heard of. They do sound like many seizures I have heard of. Try to get tested.

Nobody else is willing to look after my mother

The UK has no care available for a woman in your mother's condition? You are not legally bound to stay there and look after her. If your family wants to take offense, let them. They can get off their asses and look after her themselves. Since they are so concerned about her well being.

I also need to apply to councils for housing, which could take ages

So don't bother, because it will take a while? You make a lot of excuses.

Depression makes people want to freeze and not do anything, take no action. But unless you get moving and change something, nothing is going to get better.
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:iconavatar-720:
Avatar-720 Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
It was an observation, not a 'dig'. My family are the ones that open with sarcasm and things like that in arguments, not me. I don't go in search of conflict, that would just be detrimental and above all, illogical. I also have not attributed motives to your input; again, it was an observation and I said 'you seem to', not 'you do'. Furthermore, had I not included that line, there would be no context for the line that said how I reached my mistaken conclusion; please don't nit-pick what I said.
It did seem that you were looking to call me delusional, but I acknowledged that the conclusion reached from that observation was false, and I apologised.

My mother has expressed a lack of willingness to accept state care, citing previous experiences with them. I am unsure how she would react to the news that she was getting it whether she liked it or not.

Excuse me, but where did I say that I wouldn't bother? Where did I turn it into an excuse? Could you please actually quote the entire paragraph in future? I did not at any point mention that I wasn't going to, I simply stated the processes I'd be required to go through; hell, I didn't even say it will takes ages, I said it 'could', which makes for a lousy excuse when you come to it.
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:iconhippo-rim-job:
hippo-rim-job Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012  Hobbyist Artist
It's not an observation. It's you, projecting other people's treatment of you onto a total stranger. So if it is an observation, it's a very inaccurate one.

Sorry but, you seem quite delusional. Your initial post came off as someone who was paranoid. That doesn't mean you are. I can't know just by reading a post you made in an online forum.

You are not responsible for your mom. You can either stay, because you feel guilty, and sacrifice starting your own life, or you can go, armed with the knowledge that you are ill-equipped to care for her properly anyway. Whatever choice you make, it's yours. Own it.

If you want to get better, start by not viewing yourself as a victim. Some people have treated you like shit, yes. Some shitty stuff has happened to you, yes. Can all other aspects of reality be judged by those things? No.

I seriously doubt every conflict you've had with your family has been initiated by them and you have been helpless to defend yourself. Any time you describe a situation as being that one-sided, it seems less believable, even if there is truth to it.

And you are quite argumentative, in fact. Perhaps you are unaware? I'm not going to quote anything for you, because you would just argue more.

Good luck to you. I've said my piece.
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