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November 7, 2012
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my issue with the women folk.

:icondragonsangel:
dragonsangel Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I find woman's faces more attractive than their bodies. Because I have many times been deceived by women's faces and 'fallen in love' I have a tendency to avoid looking at their face, and therefore often land my eyes on their bodies, which is basically considered a lustful gaze. (how misunderstood I am!)

You see, I hate being fooled, and I hate finding myself foolish. But, my excessively romantic disposition causes me to easily fall in 'love' with a woman based on her face, and therefor I am almost always afraid and cautious around woman-folk.

It's not very friendly to always be cautious around someone. But so I usually am. I try to be polite, but it is always a reserved politeness, and because I so hate the idea of being deceived, I can't help but frown when I see a girl, almost any girl.

can anyone give me any advice as to how to stop being so hateful to women? I don't think it is good for me or for the women i know or for anything.

You see, i really want to be a decent person, but being so distorted about women really holds me back from doing so.
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Devious Comments

:icongragonwings:
Gragonwings Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2012
Have you tried looking at there eyes or just a thing that is behind them but around the same hight as them? That way your not looking at our bodes but at something else and if the girl is not to preceptive she won't really notice that you not looking at her, but at something next to her.
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:iconautogatos:
autogatos Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
Love isn't a difference between judging a woman by her face vs. her body. It's a difference of judging a woman by her personality/mind/etc. vs. her looks. Face or body, you're still forming an opinion based on looks.

There's nothing wrong with admiring a woman's body or face if you find them attractive, but you have to understand that it's just that: physical attraction, lust, not love. You have to make the effort to get to know a woman more before you can really fall in love with who they genuinely are, and recognize that how they look may have no bearing on their actual personality. It's like that old saying: don't judge a book by its cover.

Just remember we're people just like men. Treat us as individuals rather than focusing on our gender and I think you'll make more progress.
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:iconsvataben:
Svataben Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I'm going to be a bit blunt, because I think you need to hear it:
- It has nothing to do with a "romantic disposition". Stop trying to glam it up. You make superficial judgements based on looks, it really is that simple.
- You're mistaken love for lust, and you're using a lot of words to describe and talk around it.
- You are not being fooled, you are continuing your own non-constructive behaviour.
- You are not being deceived, you are continuing your own non-constructive behaviour.

What I think you need to do, is really think about the things I listed.
Stop trying to make it sound better/romantic/poetic/whatever. Don't dress it up.
When you're ready to be honest and clear about it, think about why you tried to cover it up to begin with, and why you act like that.

You can change yourself, but you have to be honest, and you have to take responsibility.

Stop shifting blame, stop talking around it. As long as you do, you'll never change.
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:icondorkface4:
dorkface4 Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012
Learn to stop seeing every woman as a potential partner. Stop "falling in love" with their faces.
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:iconamericangirlartist:
AmericanGirlArtist Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Well you shouldn't be falling in 'love' with women by their looks upon their faces, the only 'correct' way to fall in 'love'(or actually in love) with someone, it must be through how two care for eachother and don't bother much on looks and more on how they get along with one another. The two have to actually connect, if they don't(or at least for very long) then you just got two people who thought they were in love but really they were just interested in something that a true relationship would give(many things apply) now even though I'm just 13 and you might think I am saying some stupid things here that probably will only get you started but I know what I'm talking about and I know that what I and everyone else says has a meaning, what I say has a story, I cry remembering it, since not many people help me or help others when in a time of need I help them in any way I can. I hope I was some of help to you. Have a nice day.(pfff, I sound like I have done this my intire life...oh wait, I pratically have)
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:icondragonsangel:
dragonsangel Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
you have a good point. thank you :)
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:iconamericangirlartist:
AmericanGirlArtist Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Your welcome :D
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:iconhippo-rim-job:
hippo-rim-job Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012  Hobbyist Artist
The solution seems clear. You need to date a woman's head.
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:icondragonsangel:
dragonsangel Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
a haha hahaha
thank you.

a brilliant idea.

now I just need to get gross thoughts out of my head
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:iconincandescentinsanity:
IncandescentInsanity Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012  Student General Artist
Women are humans, just like men. How do you treat men?
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:icondragonsangel:
dragonsangel Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
with friendliness, but distrust, usually.

I am more willing to smile at or be positive with a man, but I don't really go beyond the surface usually.

hmm... so i guess to be honest, in a sense, I'm more upfront with women, because men I don't trust, but I act friendly with, but women I don't trust and I act mistrustful. However, I think appearances can make way for a friendship: if i was more friendly with girls than I might get to trusting some of them..
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:icontokyov:
TokyoV Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012
It sounds like your impression of women comes from misconceived notion of what you think we're like. You're not getting what you expect and that disappoints you. You're going to have to spend some time really getting to know the women around you to build a more accurate expectation. Once you do this, you'll no longer be getting let down.
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:iconkomapsunida:
Komapsunida Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Umm... to be less hateful to women... maybe remember we are human beings with hobbies, interests and emotions and not objects obsessed only with relationships. You haven't really explained your issue and hateful can be many things, so I guess... yeah don't see women as objects, not every woman will be attracted to you, and just because you are attracted to them does not mean you are entitled to them... :P

I don't really know how these girls are deceiving you, are they just being friendly and smiling? Making conversation with you/ joking about something with you? That is just being friendly mdear XD I guess you need to get better at picking up actual signals of attraction rather than just... them smiling and making conversation ^w^

Just a broad point there, yeah you don't really explain your dilemma very clearly so thats the best I can suggest^^
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:icondragonsangel:
dragonsangel Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I'm going to be honest though this is going to sound bad; I really do in my mind have the idea that women consider courtship to be primary, more important than any of their other interests, and that their other interests take a back seat to courtship.. :{

but I guess this is not the case?

when I think of girls I usually don't think of them and say to myself, 'I could have a great friendship with her!" so I guess the real fault is in myself; I only think of girls as being relationships, not as being friends. :{

sorry for being a rather unpleasant looking person.
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:iconkomapsunida:
Komapsunida Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Well if thats how you think, that doesn't make you unpleasant, it makes you honest^^

But to save yourself heartache I would suggest you try to bear in mind that relationships really aren't everything, definately not a primary thing to focus on, that isn't healthy^^ Just offering a bit of insight but if I were to summarise say my priorities in life from most crucial to things which might be nice but aren't a real issue;

Maintain a steady income to financially support myself
Socialise, make friends and enjoy conversations/ meetings with people
Follow my art and improve my portfolio & skills
Climb the career ladder/ get a job which compliments my interests

then the optional/ things which might happen but don't matter if not

Improve my languages
Travel some more
maybe date a person if I am interested in them and vise versa and I am willing to spare time to do so.

Maybe thats just me, but I guess relationships just aren't such a big deal as society and the media would have us believe^^

I know everybody is different and for some getting a boy/girlfriend is the most important thing evar!!!!! But I'm just reying to offer up some insight and advice^^

Also I guess I could mention that there is nothing more uncomfortable/ akward than having somebody try to "win me over" when I don't return the feelings, so I suppose you'll have to practice identifying signals of attraction rather than interpreting each smile as a go ahead ^w^;

We all express ourselves in different ways so I guess it can be hard to tell the difference between being friendly, and being attracted and silently begging to be asked out, and I'm sorry but more often times than not, I'd say we girlies would just prefer to chat/ socialise and have a laugh^^

Sorry for the vagueness, thats just my view of the world, maybe aim for friendship first, also if you spend time socialising with girls as friends maybe you'll have an easier time of picking up signs of attraction if it comes knocking :) you dream lady might find the dream guy in you some day if you just relax and not wave the wedding ring after the first "hello my name is..."

Good luck! xoxo
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:icondragonsangel:
dragonsangel Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
hmmm.. yes. What you say makes sense actually. And to put socialization very high on the list of priorities makes sense, as likely a very common thing among women, based on their actions. I mean, it seems accurate to say like women enjoy socialization alot.

hm.. I also like socializing, but only with extremely wordy people, and I haven't found a woman like that outside of my own family.

Anyways, yes I will keep this stuff in mind. It is probably a good idea for me to try to learn to interpret people's emotions better. to be honest I have that problem with both men and women. I tend to think all emotions are in the face, when in fact they really aren't.

thank you for your very thought out answer. :) i appreciate greatly.
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:iconkomapsunida:
Komapsunida Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
No problem dear^^ And hey! we make great friends you just need to find common ground!

Good luck mdear xoxo
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:iconmonkeydoodles:
monkeydoodles Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012
It's most definitely not the case. You need to get to know more women. You're operating completely off stereotypes.

I'm a woman, and I have no interest in being in a relationship. Even if I was in one, I wouldn't let my interests fall by the wayside. It's not healthy to pour all of your effort into a relationship and neglect the rest of your life.
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:iconkomapsunida:
Komapsunida Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I agree with you^^
If I meet somebody special one day then it will be on the merit of the person rather than me desperately seeking one out, right right? ^w^

There is so much pressure on people to settle and get connected that its become kind of ridiculous!

Give me a late night with my tablet any day over hollow token motions with some person I have little in common with and minimal romantic investment in!

Anyway! back to Game of Thrones!

xoxo
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:icondragonsangel:
dragonsangel Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
thank you for your advice.

Like I said in some replies, I do not necessarily mean that women are decieving me; It may be me decieving myself. Nonetheless I think your advice is helpful to me, it has made me think to examine another perspective.

to be honest, I am used to thinking of women as having interests and being human and stuff, but that is with my sisters, and my sisters are entirely unlike 99% of the rest of the female population. my older sister is highly intelligent, a born leader and a rebel who never let herself settle into the stereotypical female role, and my younger sister is.. well my younger sister generally acts nothing like the typical girl either.

the only person in my family who acts like a normal girl is my mother, but I have never understood my mother, and I have never sympathized with her on almost anything either.
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:iconferaltao:
FeralTao Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012
Going through a couple of crushes, mixed with actual relationships (both good and bad) will, in the best case, clear that up for you to a point where you understand when there is actual, mutual tension and what is just going on in your head.

Eventually you might settle for that neither things nor people are what the wishful-thinking-part of your brain expect or hope them to be. And that does not mean becoming bitter, resentful or projecting rejections on other people as some seem to confuse it with. Knowing that may allow for a more relaxed disposition towards the opposite sex. They're still pretty but you can appreciate that without letting your imagination run amock with you. And it's important to learn to make that distinction as well, when you actually were "fooled" as you call it, knowingly and with intent and when it is you fooling yourself because you let your head build air castles with little to support them.

Nobody can control sudden infatuations, it's a natural thing. However being in actual relationships might teach you more about what qualities are important to you for real, especially such you can not discern at once. This calms the effect of a pretty face down severely.

So that's my tip to you - be very honest to yourself about yourself, fall in 'love' but use your head. Crushes hurt but it passes and eventually being around women won't be that dramatical at all.
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:icondragonsangel:
dragonsangel Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
thank you for your wonderful advice and concern.

i am not sure however how well it applies to me. i am 27 years old, have had probably 100 or so crushes in my life and have had (short) relationships with 4 girls. :{
to be totally honest Im not really interested in getting into another relationship, either. in fact, im really set on being single the rest of my life. i just wish i was a more decent person, because the way i act is really unhelpful. i have pretty much no friendships with girls and when i start to have such a friendship, one or the other irrational thought usually takes over.

over time though it is true ive become more rational than I was before. maybe just more time will do the trick... and more crushes. iunno.
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:iconferaltao:
FeralTao Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012
You're welcome and I'm glad the effort was appreciated. By thinking about other people's problems one learns more about oneself so it's beneficial both ways. :)

Well, let's try another approach:

Do you feel like love and closeness (mental and physical) is something that is very much lacking in your life? How about other relationships, friends and family? I'm not a psychologist but it wouldn't be strange if the brain was like a body in the sense that a hungry body clings to every piece of nourishment and every craving in a way a somewhat satisfied one wouldn't.

One thing I come to think of is building friendly relationships with women you don't feel attracted to or hanging out in larger groups. Take your time getting to know them and talking to them. After all, we are not our thoughts and our thoughts aren't necessarily our true feelings. A thought is a thought but an action takes a conscious decision. Thoughts won't ruin the relationship unless you let it because she doesn't know what's going on in your head unless you talk about it. If you come to befriend a woman and it still bothers you a lot - tell her. Tell her that you find her cool, sweet, strong, or whatever the reason you like her, more than the physical attraction, and that you like these things about her - alot. A little more than in a friendly way even, however you do want to be friends. The worst that can happen is a "I only like you as a friend" and that she's so uncomfortable she can no longer be friends and then the relationship wouldn't have been healthy anyway. But most likely, if you tell of your feelings and that you want to be friends anyway and she tells you of hers and you're both cool with it - you have this thing off your chest and the friendship still stands.

Hopefully just a little more helpful.
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:icondragonsangel:
dragonsangel Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
that's a good idea. i will actually take note of it and try to do it. thank you. :) :) :)
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:iconpinkmitten:
Pinkmitten Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012
What do you mean you've been deceived? Like they wear tons of make-up? :confused:
You're kind of vague.
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:icondragonsangel:
dragonsangel Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I mean that I interpret everything I see in a woman's face to mean something about her thoughts, and based on that I become obsessed with a woman though I know nothing about her.
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:iconftj1n:
FTJ1N Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
If you look at her face she will probably just think your paying attention.
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:iconsomnusvorus:
Somnusvorus Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012   Digital Artist
Men are just as bad you know, not just women. I'm a woman, I'm honest, straight-forward, open and I say what I think. Also... calling us 'folk' is a bit demeaning. =/
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:icondragonsangel:
dragonsangel Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
sorry about the 'folk' thing. also I realize that I wasn't very clear in my initial post. I did not necessarily mean that women deceive me. but whoever it is who decieves me, I end up senselessly enamored about people I don't even know
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:iconsomnusvorus:
Somnusvorus Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2012   Digital Artist
Ah it's grand. Sometimes you have be careful what you say because people might get the wrong end of the stick.

Well, hateful is a strong word, I think the problem is that you are distrustful of people and at the same time you seem to want to be maybe friends with them. It's good to have a set boundary but its not good to be completely distant either. When you get these feelings, you should just try and think about the person as an equal to you. =]
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:iconcedarwoods:
CedarWoods Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
First of all I think it shows a real level of higher brain function that you actually find women's faces attractive (rather than just their breasts or their asses).

The first thing I look at if I like a woman is her smile. If she has a cute laugh that's a plus. I do notice the other stuff, but that comes second for me.

What exactly about their faces deceives you?
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:iconsvataben:
Svataben Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
"First of all I think it shows a real level of higher brain function that you actually find women's faces attractive ("

No, it really doesn't.
Human faces tell a lot about genetics, age, health, and mood. We are programmed to respond to various things. It's simple nature, with a sprinkling of nurture/culture.
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:iconcedarwoods:
CedarWoods Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I was talking more about that whole common line you here in the movies "my eyes are up here."
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:icondragonsangel:
dragonsangel Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
iunno what it is, but let me describe the thought process:

I see a pretty face, I look in her eyes, and I start to think about what she is thinking, and what she would like to do, I think about her and she becomes attractive to me, and already just having looked at her face a short while I am ready in my mind to say any manner of things to win her affection.

the problem is that throughout my life just based on these kinds of thoughts i have had obsessions with many girls lasting up to 12 years long.

I don't think i was clear enough in my original post; I kind of think it is me decieving my self more than the woman, but all of a woman's mannerisms, down to the least little shift of her face, make me attracted to her. :[ then I can start to obsess and think about her more and more over a period of days, until I imagine all kinds of scenerios with me and her. But it's completely without knowing anything about her personality, and completely based on how much I like her face!
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:iconcedarwoods:
CedarWoods Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I think that's normal. We all go through stages where we find almost every woman who's around our age attractive. Well unless we're gay men I suppose.

It seems like you're being nervous rather than mean to these women. It's okay to be nervous. There's no shame in it. I get nervous around women all the time.

As long as you're not having rape fantasies or anything twisted like that, I see no harm in imagining stuff about them.

Hey I'm a guy who likes gals. I can undress a woman with my eyes. Nothing wrong with that.
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:iconlovely-words:
Lovely-Words Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
So basically it sounds like you're deciding what a woman should be like based on how her face appeals to you and then disappointed when she doesn't live up to your expectations. Am I right? You're more in love with her face than you are with her and you've built up a world and a story around her, but when she doesn't fit your fantasy you become bitter?
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:icondragonsangel:
dragonsangel Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
kind of;

the only difference is you see, that the facade I build up becomes so integral to the way i see that girl, that it never gets ruined, so more than anything I am disappointed by the facade. I am too afraid to get to know girls for real. as much as my mind wants to say all manner of things to win her affection, I almost never do. instead all I have is a hollow shell of an imagined person in my head who I am totally obsessed with.

ha, now that I put it that way it sounds very stalkerish.

but if only I was a stalker, I would actually get to know some of the real facts about the person. instead I fall in love with a soulless image and stay infatuated and unfulfilled
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