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November 6, 2012
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Is it time to take this to the next level?

:iconobelisco:
obelisco Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2012
I've been going out with a wonderful lady for 5 months, we see each other once or twice a week as we both work hard and live a little distance apart without transport.
Every time we go out we have a great time and have a laugh no matter what we decide to do, usually ending up in bed together. We can lie there and make out for hours and it never feels awkward, and this normally escalates to a little action but we have never taken our relationship to the next level.
I tried to do this about 2 months into the relationship and she didn't want to as she tells me she thinks she might be "rubbish" in the sack. I told her I respect her feelings and would be fine to leave sex aside for the time being, which was and still is absolutely truthful.
I havn't raised the question since for several reasons, the main one being that I don't want to seem pushy and ruin what is a wonderful relationship.
Our relationship has been getting a little more intimate of recent though, without me ever being pushy - so I'm thinking of raising the question of sex again, as it seems to me we are both ready and it would just feel right. Some things are putting me off though - I don't want to be rejected again, and as I say I don't want to seem too pushy - I don't want her to think the last 3 months have just been a scheme to get her to say yes, because they havn't, I just love spending time with her.
As she becomes more intimate I just worry the tables may have turned and she may be the one wanting to have sex and I'm the one putting it off.
The whole thing probably just concerns me as I have been dumped in the past for not wanting sex often enough.
Do you guys think I'm doing the right thing here? Should I raise the issue again, or just leave it until something happens? I realise that even if she does want sex and I'm now the one putting it off this may make her desire me more which is a good thing but at the same time I don't want to seem disinterested.
If it helps, she is a beautiful woman but I think she is severely lacking in confidence. I'm pretty sure every time I compliment her on her body and looks she doesn't take it in and probably fears I am only saying those things because I want to have sex with her, despite me having truthfully told her otherwise. I'm honestly happy not to have sex for now but don't want to leave this too long if the tables have turned as I mentioned before, as she may be lacking in confidence and begin to think I don't want her.

Please no feedback from users under 20, you will have no clue what I'm talking about. I have posted here for serious mature responses, not a PUA board or something, as I want answers from people who actually respect women as I do.
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Devious Comments

:iconidnidveifencetum:
IdNiDveifencetum Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
1.) There's a huge difference between lust and love.
2.) I actually like that you want the right opportunity to do things...but what's scary about waiting is that there are moments when it's now-or-never.
3.) If you get along so well, the both of you should be able to solve this by talking, and also without messing up the relationship

And P.S. I'm sorry, I was already typing and I read the "no under 20s responses". I don't deny the fact that I am under 20, and I'm sorry to reply to you. I just want to let this out, so please don't flame or flag me, k?
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:iconobelisco:
obelisco Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2012
No problem, you have some very good ideas. Your first point is obvious, but you makes 2 very good points. Definitely something for me to think about. I guess I am just going to have to raise the issue in discussion. I just want everything to be spontaneous and not require discussion, but as you say, if the relationship is really going well, which I think it is, such a discussion shouldn't harm our relationship at all.
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:iconidnidveifencetum:
IdNiDveifencetum Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thank you for not taking this the wrong way, and I'm sorry I've posted in a 20+ only forum. I was NEVER involved in intimate relationships, but I really had a mind to speak out, so thank you.
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:iconobelisco:
obelisco Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2012
You may have had sex at 16, so did I but it doesn't mean I had a clue. There's a difference between having sex and having meaningful sex. I'm not having a go at you, I just don't want immature responses - which yours clearly isn't.

You know, I'd never even considered the fact she may be a virgin, it never really crossed my mind. I guess I just assumed she isn't because she's 27 and I know she's been in relationships before.

Over nearly six months I have never mentioned any of my past relationships let alone individual exes and neither do I intend to, as I know all girls are different and none of them have felt close to this important to me anyway. I would never compare her to them, she is so much better than that.

I may not have made it clear enough in my first post, but there has been plenty of foreplay and orgasms, I just don't want to get too detailed in a forum where I know there's underage users etc. Sometimes though, it does feel a little strange to me that we spend hours with foreplay but it never leads to sex.

I have told her that I am no genius in bed either, and that she couldn't possibly be rubbish in my eyes as I wouldn't consider sex with her as a performance anyway. As I say I just think it feels like the right next step.

Anyway, thank you for your advice. I guess sex isn't the next obvious step, but discussion of the matter is.
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:iconself-epidemic:
Self-Epidemic Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
I dated a guy who was 27 who had been in a relationship for 2 years but didn't have sex.

It just seems like you probably just need to talk to her about it, its not hard, if shes actually comfortable with foreplay, then I say ask her. Its either going to happen or not, and if its not the relationship isn't going to last long.
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:iconobelisco:
obelisco Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2012
Although your post seems like a bit of a contradiction (2 years sounds like quite a while to me), you're right I will just have to ask and find out, even if it doesn't lead to sex just yet at least I'll have a better understanding about how she feels about the situation.
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:iconself-epidemic:
Self-Epidemic Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
Considering I had sex at 16, I'm sure people under 20 WOULD know what you're on about.

Firstly, is she a Virgin? Sex is quite daunting especially when shes never had to experience it, but honestly you should sit her down. However, don't mention your ex, theres really no need. Your ex isn't in this relationship and it would be rude to say "oh my ex dumped me cuz I wasn't shagging her enough". Its just not okay. Shes a new person and deserves to be treated as one, so dont bring crap from the old relationship.

Secondly, you should sit her down and talk to her about it, how does she feel about intimacy now, is it still making her nervous? I think doing a lot of foreplay and learning to make each other orgasm from this will really strengthen your sexual relationship when it goes into sex, because you'll both be able to enjoy it quite quickly.

Her issue of being "crap" in bed is a bit of a weird one, but maybe relate to her, saying " I feel nervous I may not be any good, either!" I'm assuming you aren't a virgin and this will show her that she'll probably be nervous regardless, it doesn't matter if you've had sex once or had 3-4 sexual partners, its still quite daunting.

Everyone lacks in confidence, thats her issue to deal with. You can help her, by calling her beautiful, and reinforcing that you love her and her body, but it will be ultimately her decision. Turn of the lights, and let her call the shots. She'll be ready when shes ready and no earlier.
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:iconobelisco:
obelisco Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2012
Oh and another point - you mention love in your reply. I havn't told her I love her. I really want to but I havn't. Every time I see her I want to tell her how much she means to me.
I have the opinion she considers herself to be a free spirit who doesn't believe in love, but I think there's 2 kinds of people in this world - those who believe in love and those who fear it.

She's seen that dratted 500 Days of Summer too many times if you ask me. I have further responses to your comment in the thread, just forgot to reply directly.
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:iconeuterpe-the-egret:
Euterpe-The-Egret Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
You should tell her anyway.
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