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November 4, 2012
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New beginnings...?

:iconlockedash:
LockedAsh Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Okay.. I have posted here before - I don't know if there is any way for members to read previous forum posts. Anyway. Long story short. My name is Charlie. I am eighteen years old. And when I was thirteen my mother came to me and told me she was pregnant. She asked me if I wanted to help out with the baby. Now. Me being a single child (with my mother of whom I lived with), I was just happy to hear I was getting a new sibling who I could play with and have fun with. Who would look up to me. At thirteen - you have no idea on how to raise a child if you didn't grow up in a house with a lot of kids... Even then that's an iffy subject. I had no idea what I was getting myself into when I said "yes". My mom, after the baby (Truby) was born, started to party and drink again. Here I am. Fourteen, in my freshman year of highschool raising a new born. I missed a lot of school because my mom was off somewhere. I slept a lot during my classes. And this has gone all for the past four years. After the first year, the partying slowed down. But me raising my little sister hadn't. I wasn't able to go out, get my drivers permit, get a job... Nothing.

Another thing. We were in Kentucky them.. Lived there for seven years. But now we are back where my mom was raised (where I lived the first eleven years of my life) in western New York. We live about an hour away from where we are originally from and still don't see our family often. Anyway. Now that I'm out of school and what not. I'm still raising my little sister. (Who by the way - I love as my own and would go to the ends of the earth for.) But now. My mom wants me to get a job. Which I don't mind. BUT. She wants me to get a job to just give her my paycheck every month. Saying that I owe her my life and all this bullshit.

Now, if you knew my mother, which I hope you don't - you would understand this.

As I said. I've raised my little sister. Might I add. I am not a selfish teenager. I don't beg to be paid, I don't care about the latest phone or shoes. I have never asked her for anything and have never gotten a dime for giving my life up to raise my little sister while she went and messed around. When I get money from my family - I have always given it to her to help pay bills. Because she lost her job because she's a big mouth and didn't shut up when her manager told her too... Anyway. The point I am trying to make is that she has been controlling me for years. I have not been able to live "my" life. I'm not allowed out of the house unless its to aide to her needs. Now she wants me to get a job just to give her my paycheck? Uh. No. I am an extremely independent person believe it or not. And when my mom told me the other day that if I were to get a debit card that I wouldn't be able to use it because she was going to control it. I just knew it was time for me to go.

I love Truby... Everyone who knows me knows I would die for that little girl. She's my baby. She's the smart, sweet and kind little girl today because I raised her. Not my mother. I taught her her ABC's at the age of three. I was there for her first steps on her first birthday. I was the first one to hold her in the hospital on January 26th, 2009 at 10:54 a.m. I have been there every single day of her life since the day she was born.

But I have come to the realization that she was never my responsibility. My family... All these years have told me that Truby isn't mine. Which she isn't. But in my heart and mind I can't accept the fact that she isn't. Not until last week I haven't. I look at her and see me. I don't see her mother or her father. Because they have never been there for her. I HAVE BEEN. I have been there since the day she was born...

But... She's not mine. She's not my daughter. She's my sister. And I shouldn't have this strong of a connection with her. My mother has controlled my life for years and have used me for countless things and now wants to take the life out of me for her own gain.

I am running away on Monday. Well. SORT OF. I have talked to my grandmother, whom is my mother's mom, and she will be showing up while my mom is at her day job. I'll pack the car and we'll wait for my mom to come home. During that time we will be saying our goodbye's to Truby... Because my mom probably won't let us see her again... and then once my mom gets home we won't say one word to her and we'll leave and drive the hour to my grandmothers house. I will then go to my grandma's sisters ranch and help her with the horses during the winter because she needs it.

I have planned this all out to a T. And knowing my mother - if it weren't done this way... There would be a lot of drama. Which there will be. She'll make a huge stink out of it. And I feel like the most selfish person in the world for leaving Truby. But I can't continue to put my life on hold. I have dreams. I don't even know what its' like to go out to a movie or dinner with friends. I don't know what it's like to just leave the house and take a walk to the store and buy a Pepsi. I don't know what life is... What living is. I have been trapped. I still am... And I want to be free. I want to be able to take care of myself. To live on my own. To pay my own way in life. I don't want to be used like this anymore.

I'm okay leaving my mom because I have always hated her.. ever since I was ten. But... Truby. She's almost four... And she's little. I know that one day she'll understand... But its' hard to leave her. She's my baby. I haven't been without her for almost four years. She's all I know. Taking care of her is all I know. I'm going to miss her first day of daycare. Her first play date. Her first day of school. Her first birthday (Which she hasn't had...) But... I have been selfless for so many years. I don't ask for anything... But deep down in my heart - I know I deserve everything. I want to make something of myself. I want to get a career and build my dream house... I want to be able to provide a life for myself by myself. And if history repeats itself... I want to have a place where Truby can come to when she's older. If worse comes to worse - I want to be able to provide her the life I wish I had.

I hate myself for leaving Truby... I really do. I feel so selfish. But the other half of me is saying that I deserve to have a life. That I was never meant to have this responsibility. That I have been forced as a free daycare service. But the other part of me... Is screaming that I need to stay to raise and protect Truby.

But it will won't be a happy ending for me if I stay. I've thought of suicide... Well.. Do every single day. But I don't want to die. I want to live. I want to fly. I want to be free of the prison I have been forced into all of these years. It's time for me to live for me...

All of this... It's about Truby... My little baby... MY LIFE. I write this with tears in my eyes... Hoping... Praying... That one day... She will understand why I have to leave.

Is this the beginning to a end? Because I can't help but think that this is a horrid mistake... To leave her... To leave the only thing I have ever known. But I have too... Life is too short not to be happy. And even though looking at her smile... Looking at her big beautiful brown eyes every day makes me smile. And her hugs, her kisses, her laughter... Her entire being.. Her soul.. Her heart... Her life... Her existence makes me believe that there is magic out there. My Truby Leigh... I really want her to understand. She's so little and she won't understand and my mom will feed her shit... And its just... This is very hard for me... Which is why I have turned to you all... In hope of some support to get me through this next day and a half...

One a brighter note... Here's my princess. And me in a few. :')

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Devious Comments

:iconaret:
Aret Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
There's no way to bring her with you, I guess. :(
Aside from a court battle. Which, no.

I would say find ways to stay in touch with her, if you can. If there's any way you can try to see her, send her cards or birthday presents, anything. Even talk to your mom after a while and see if she'll let you visit or babysit now and then. Try. She's not going to understand for a long time, but it'll be easier for both of you if you at least try to contact her.

And in the end, it'll be better for all of you that you left. You know it in your heart, or you wouldn't have made this decision. In the long run, you have made the RIGHT decision. For you. For her. It's not going to be ok right now, but in the end, it's going to be ok. You're going to be ok. Hang in there. You're a strong person. :hug:
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:iconhurricaneclaw:
Hurricaneclaw Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Teeext waaaallll :noes:
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:iconnarkya:
Narkya Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
You'll get through this. You did more than you were supposed to from every other persons point of view.

Good luck!
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:iconsiantjudas:
siantjudas Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2012   Digital Artist
Well, at the least good luck with your new beginning. Sometimes we need one so we can actually start living the lives we were meant to live.
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