Parents vs. Adult Child...who wins?

~Kaida-22 Sep 13, 2012 Hobbyist General Artist

I'm in the midst of a large debate with my parents and am looking for some helpful advise.

I'm 20 years old and have been moved out of my parent's house for a year. I am very close with my family and the last thing i want is to hurt them in any way.

However, They are currently hell-bent on convincing me to do something that they swear is the "moral" and "right" thing to do...but that I feel is only going to revert me back to many of the emotional/self-esteem problems I had since i was a teenager that I've just BARELY started to overcome in the last year.

So I pose the question...when it comes down to You vs. Your Parents when your an adult...how much do you still owe your parents? is there any middle ground? Is there any way to combat that overwhelming guilt-trip that comes with "disobedience?" Is it REALLY disobedience or just choosing your own path?

(I do not feel comfortable sharing specifics of my situation on a public forum as it is rather sensitive and there are certain individuals that I've recently exiled from my life that will take any opportunity and use any ammunition they can to hurt me...so if you have had any similar dealings with this but feel like you need more information to give me good advise...feel free to send me a note on my DA page)

I greatly appreciate your time and help

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Devious Comments

~Glori305 Sep 14, 2012

Depends on just how "hell bent" your family is on this, and how forgiving both sides are. Rarely is there a middle ground in these situations.

Do you still owe anything to your parents, no. Can you combat the guilt trips they give you, yes, but it takes years of practice....in other words, you will have to defy them more than once, and go thru the guilt trips more than once before you get the hang of skipping the guilt trip.

While it is just choosing your own path, the fact that your parents are calling you disobedient shows that THEY do not yet view you as an adult. That is not uncommon. Many people do not gain adult status with their parents until they pass a certian milestone, and evidently with your parents, moving out was not that milestone. It could be marriage, or children....or never. With my mother it was never, and with my father it was when I stood up and said I was not speaking to him until he apologized for something, then sticking by that (for 10 years) until he apologized.

Yes, I have had similar dealings. And I would suggest talking to a few friends who yyou can tell all the details too, and get their advice. This is what I did the first few times that I went against what my mother (the major problem in trying to control my life) and I got some very enlightening information from my friends.

~Kaida-22 Sep 14, 2012 Hobbyist General Artist

Thank you for the advice...I'm sorry you had to go through that...I'm a firm believer in never abandoning your children no matter what they do, mostly because of this situation...I couldn't imagine doing this to my own children someday...i just don't understand it...I'll definitely talk to a few of my friends about it...thank you

~Glori305 Sep 14, 2012

I try very hard not to be the type of parent my mother was.

!prosaix Sep 14, 2012

*you're an adult

*DraculeaRiccy Sep 14, 2012 Professional

I still have some problems with my parents...well, mostly with my father because of my education. For him it was always normal that I will either study economics or medicine and I was ok with it till I was about to start with my studies... and then the dispute began. I cried a lot because he told me that he was disappointed in me so started to study something just that he stops telling me what to do...and let's say, if I really would have done what he wanted me to, I'd ended up as a mental wreck.

Anyway, the thing is, it's your life and you have to live it and decide for yourself. Sure, sometimes it's helpful to have parents who worry about your future and tell you not to do something, but in the end you have to find out what's best for youself. I know it hurts a lot have parents who don't like what you do, but if you always do what your parents want, you might end up really unhappy.

This year I'm about to finish my make-up artist school and my dad still don't likes my decision. I'm worried that I won't find a job...but I'm still happy that I chose this way.

*Aret Sep 13, 2012 Hobbyist Writer

Your life, your choice. Part of being an adult is understanding that you're responsible for your own decisions, not your family. Be firm. Tell them you've made up your mind and you won't be discussing it with them any further. If they try to bring it up again, either change the subject or leave the conversation.

It's not disobedience. You can respect your parents and not be their slaves. You don't owe your parents anything; they had you and raised you and loved you because they wanted to, not because they expected some return.

~BrunoMonsterberg Sep 13, 2012 Student General Artist

Do what you want. Be who you wanna be. They say you're looking out for the best for you. Letting you do what you want is the best thing you can do. I know those words have some bad connotations but even if you're a sad person and destroy your body, it's your body and you do what you want.

I'm sure you love your parents and will continue love them. Even if they don't agree with what you do, they will still love you. It takes a lot for parents to turn on their children and I'm sure by living your life, they won't turn on you. They'll love you, no matter, even if you don't fulfill your hopes. Your happiness comes before their's.

~2lazy2talk Sep 13, 2012 Hobbyist Digital Artist

Put it this way, no one is in your shoes, no one sees your world the way you do, so no one is entittled to force you into any decision.

That's how I feel anyway.

~TheTuscany Sep 13, 2012

I think all parents & children hit this kind of problem when the child starts to move on (so like 18+.) Some parents are just better than others at keeping their opinions to themselves and understanding that they no longer have domain over their child. So no, I do not think you should feel guilty at all for not following along with your parents just because they said so. You are an adult living on your own, taking care of yourself, so you get to make your own decisions. Your parent's just haven't realized that you are grown now and they've run out of time to influence you they way they want to.

~Endeavor-To-Freefall Sep 13, 2012

I didn't even listen to my parents when I was a child. If I felt that their decision was wrong I would refuse. I'm not talking about sneaking off to go to that house party when I'm grounded but real decisions, like career choices and things that meant a lot to me. There is no force stopping you from refusing and doing whatever you want.

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