It tends to happen to some people...I know what you mean. It's like because you are such a great friend...that people only rely on you or want to be around you when they need a shoulder to cry on, but when you need them they just kind of shrug it off. I figure friends like that need to be confronted and if things don't improve then it's better not to have friends like that. What I found works out good, is instead of sitting at home waiting for people or just playing video games and stuff, I go out and do things that don't really require a group of people. Go to a cafe and study there, that way you can actually be out in a new setting and sometimes you meet some great people. Maybe that will help you meet some people that will actually want to be your friends for you. I find that there are some crafting classes around where I live so it allows you to work on something you love, or learn something new, and if you want to make more friends then usually there will be more people there. Personally I find it's funner to coordinate volunteer projects for the community or go talk to old people in a retirement home...I am weird but usually old people want to talk to you because they are lonely too. Sorry I am sort of ranting..I am having the hardest time forming words and sentences as I want them to be...It's just one of those days.
It's really fun to do, though I found that some retirement homes won't allow you to visit any senior citizen in their care unless you are family or a health care worker, also some only let you go if you get a pass to do so. I would try and talk to a manager and see if you could volunteer your time just to sit and talk with the seniors about anything they wish to, like how those high schoolers do for that program which I think is called 'adopt-a-grandparent' or something like that. With how things are now they are making it a bit difficult to get in but not too much. A lot of the old people I talk to don't have their family visiting them or they are put there because they don't have any family so it really does help them. It's one of those things that--if you choose to do--when you are old and are looking back, you most definitely won't regret.
I used to have somewhat of the same problem of keeping friends. Although, my experince was kinda different. My friends would either move away about a year or two after I met them, or we would grow apart. But, that was when I was in high school
I have learned some things though. If your friends are in college and they seem to ignore you, part of that could be becuase they are usually too busy with college. I also learned that having friends in the same neighborhood, or somewhat close by, really helps. And having trustworthy friends who will let you get to know them helps, although having a similar or the same hobby helps too.
Honestly, I can't say that I have had the same friend experience as you, becuase I just got out of high school earlier this year But during high school, I made friends who are older and younger than me. Since some of my younger friends are still in high school, they have more time to hang out. But, sometimes I don't, becuase I have college that gets in the way of that.
Although those friends of mine have more time on their hands, they usually don't text or call me unless they want something from me So, what I usually do is sometimes I go by their house and ask them if they want to hang out. They usually say yes, unless they actually are busy, but it's real easy for us becuase we usually just stay at their house or go to my house, and play video games and stuff
Or, if going to their house doesn't work, or if their not in the same neighborhood, then you should try joining a club at the college that you go to, that you think would be fun, and then you could start socializing with people, starting with small-talk. (that's what happened with my in the games club at my college) But, if there's not a club that seems in your taste at your college, you could try starting a new one.
This is probably the best advice I can give you. Thank you for reading
You're welcome ^_^ ...honestly, I don't really know how to share my thoughts any other way I usually use a lot of details so people can understand what I'm saying. But once when I did that, like with my last journal post(and the next deviation that I will be posting), and one of my friends was like, "Sheesh! That's a lot to read!" I'm somewhat of a philosopher, psychologist, and a Christian. So, I have a lot of thoughts in my head. That's why I've been thinking about making a book someday.
...sorry if I'm rambling Like I said, I like to include a lot of details...
Writing a book is a fantastic way to get all those great thoughts on paper! I wish you luck with that! (And don't worry, I didn't think you were rambling. My responses to some threads can be just as long and academically complicated).
I recently came out of a funk very similar to your own, my friend.
It seemed that all of my friends- whether they were mere acquaintances, or people that I'd shared my entire life with- had other plans or were leaving for college [I still reside at home, you see], or just simply didn't wish to spend any time with me. And, as luck would have it, I'd lost my job, meaning I got to spend all day by myself with nothing to do.
If there is any advice I can give you, it's this: Forget the fair weather friends you may have met, and keep your eyes peeled for the ones that can and will really make a difference in your life.
Remember that whatever faults you may have [or think you may have ], you are your own, wonderful person. True friends are very hard to come by, and it may take a while before you can find someone you really connect with.
It can be very difficult to move on from a past group of friends, especially when it seems that they've all already moved on from you. But I have confidence that you can find a brand new group to hang out with.
I know how much loneliness can hurt. But you owe it to yourself not to let yourself get bogged down in the middle of it.
I hope you can find someone that completes you as much you complete them. ~anonymous.
Huh... A guy I know is having that same problem. One of his close (I guess former) friends has been compleatly blowing him off not returning calls and all that. The guy went off to college I suppose and he has been trying to call and catch up with the so called friend thats still in high school but this jackass won't return any of his calls. And the jackass isn't returning his calls on purpose I know he is because I'm the jackass.
I'm sorry about your situation, but in my experience, I did tend to grow apart from a lot of people I was friends with in high school when we all went our separate ways in college. People get busy, people move on. However, that is no excuse for them to treat you like that. Make sure they understand that you are disappointed. Hey, maybe they didn't realize and it was all just coincidence. Perhaps try to find a new group of friends? If you are in college, it shouldn't be too hard.
Making friends isn't hard--it's keeping them. Like, half of them are acquaintances and any effort I try to make to hang out, or host something, or invite them to come with me somewhere (swing club, Minneapolis, etc.), they either decline or say nothing at all. It makes things a little difficult...
Hmm, that's strange. Do you have any roommates or dorm mates? You guys could all get together and do something, I suppose. Perhaps join some clubs- then they have no choice but to hang out with you- or better yet, start one. Get involved with stuff that interests you and I am sure you will meet people with similar interests.
I was in an outdoors/travel club, and we went all over the place. It was great fun and I made some great friends. (Granted, I was also in a juggling club- really cool people were in that club... lol) You could join a fraternity/sorority of you want to meet people as well.
But, there are a pile of emotions that I feel about different things that are similar to that lonely feeling.
You have to want to do more with yourself first. You have to want to get yourself motivated and ready for bigger and better things.
You have to stay positive. There are some people are better off by themselves and there are those that aren't you don't have to beg for someone to be with you. You don't have to succumb to thinking that you need something or someone.
It's become addictive and unhealthy. More than anything, you have to fight. Fight for your goals, fight for yourself, fight for what you believe in and go for everything you ever wanted.
spend more time with your family. on the phone, in letters, small gifts, it doesn't matter. try to get more honesty out of life, instead of thinking that you have to have a million friends.
My perspective could be significantly different because I am a guy, but i'll give it a go.
Make more new friends. Shit's hard, I know. This is actually odd advice since I am typically NOT outgoing, but it seems like the only solution. Well, that, or keep trying to talk with people who rarely respond and keep feeling bad. Personally I enjoy speaking with people who don't respond, but it doesn't make me feel bad, but I am a guy--and shit's different for women.
I can be a temp friend who'll respond to texts (I don't do phone calls, at least not for a long time) and emails while you find people who you'll probably actually get along with. The requirement is that you're not incredibly brainwashed by a religion (minor brainwashing is potentially acceptable) and you're not going to text more then 10,000 times a month, if you do i'll have to reroute the Google voice number to block you.
Send me a note, or don't and find some friends, or don't do either and don't do anything and dwell on the situation.
Lets face it, if you text more then 10,000 times a month-- just no.
You enjoy speaking with people who don't respond? Well...doesn't that get OLD? It shouldn't matter if you're a guy OR a girl...we're only born with so much patience and so much tolerance for being the only one who ever wants to get a conversation going, or to initiate a friendship.
I've done that all my life and I'm beginning to doubt it's even worth it anymore. A lot of shit it's done for me, that much I can say. I can't even SEE the product of my labors. That isn't to say I do things specifically to vainly get something in return, but when it comes to making and keeping friends...you ought to get SOMETHING back, right?
Technically men and women have drastically different brain chemistry. This has an effect on basically everything, including but not limited to, how men and women view, start, keep, and end relationships of all types.
Speaking for myself, I know that if I go a long, long time without speaking to anyone about anything personal it's not always so great, but I can simply shift the focus off that and onto whatever I am doing at the time. If I don't want something to get to me, it simply doesn't. That isn't to say I don't find a strong friendship deeply satisfying, but when it's not there it doesn't bother me. This isn't true for all men, but it's a much more common trait to find among men rather then women.
Eh, I know men and women are different, but you can't assume women aren't as sensible with their emotions as men. I know quite a few girls who can control their emotions (or not let something get to them). It isn't really common, but then again no one really goes around talking about how they deal with things if no one asks...
But I get what you're saying. Mind over matter, basically. I wish I had that ability...but sadly I'm too accustomed to sink inside myself and "shut up about my boring problems" than to confront people about said problems. If they're a big enough issue, then sure, I'll let someone know. But as of now...I see this as more of a personal problem that needs to get fixed by myself, not by confronting anyone. Eh...does that make any sense?
I am not sure if this is even relevant to your problem, but this quote has always made a lot of sense to me when it comes to friends ... "If you judge and evaluate a person before you become friends, you are not getting into a friendship. You're getting into an employment."
One more quote I cherish is "You can't force respect and love out of people and you definitely cannot be around someone who does not love or respect you."
Hope that makes sense to you. Sorry if it's irrelevant.
Those help a lot! The first quote is interesting...but I often can't help but evaluate people before I become friends with them because I want to make sure we'd make good conversation partners, if anything.
Get Annoyed. Being loyal is different than being a push over and by the sounds of it you are being a push over.
If someone stands you up from this day forth, and doesn't let you know, tell them that it is not on! No excuses they have to say sorry to you and make it up to you!
You are allowed to get angry at friends(I'm not talking about a screaming match, I'm talking about getting pissed) and they will respond better to that than you just accepting what they have done.
One thing I have noticed is that people who have the most friends are the ones that speak up, who let you know if you have done something wrong(if only for the drama) and make the calls when they want to go out.
Also go more out in groups. So there is less chance of being stood up.
I'd love to be hanging out in a group instead of just me and someone else (which can get stale), but the problem is, people are bailing left and right and before you know it, it's just me again, alone on a Friday night.
You're right, though. I'm a huge push-over. I'm non-confrontational when it's about something I pressure myself to cope with rather than fix. Does that make any sense? I should be stronger, but I don't want to lose more friends that way than I have already by simply being myself.
I've felt the same way before, try not to freak about it though. The problem might be that you don't enjoy your own company. If you're a really social person, I suggest spending more time with yourself instead of others. I'm not saying you should shroud yourself in total solitude, just find some time to enjoy something that doesn't include someone else. That way you wont freak as much if you think you're being neglected, or when really are being neglected.
But if you don't like that option, you can just try to be with them as much as you can. If someone declines a visit for a certain day, try to find a day when they are available. Try talking to some one in person as well, instead of calling them(this makes it harder for them to get away).
Keep in mind that they actually might have neglected you to simply because they were caught up in something else. Try to understand their reasons, don't count everything as an excuse.
If all else fails, then confront them about it. There could be a deeper reason like you said. Be careful as to not sound accusing, and don't make a scene about it. Let them know that your worried, but don't seem desperate. If nothing changes, you might have to pester them a bit.
Mostly I think it's coincidence mixed with my hesitation to seem like I'm bothering people by always wanting to hang out with them. I refrain a lot of the time because I don't want to come off as clingy, or desperate, as you said. I hope this crap ends soon because it's starting to depress me.
I spend a lot of uncomfortable time alone as a result of my own hesitations and the fact that no one comes around or even invites me to go do something. I don't know what else I can do.
I feel the same way But for me I think is my own fault. I asume that no one wants to be with me so I never call anyone cause I'm scarred to bother them. But I started to think like that when my friends stopped to call and hang out with me
so for me its all in my head (probably) but it might be diferent for you but anyway never start thinking like i do cause when you've started it damned hard to change!
Exactly! I'm always myself, but I try not to annoy anyone. I always want to hang out with the people I've met, but I usually refrain from calling them or texting them if I think they'll feel like I'm bugging them too much. What if they don't like me a ton and would wish I'd only stay as an acquaintance? It isn't exactly something you can ASK, so you're pretty much stuck in assumption mode. And you're right, it's EXTREMELY hard to get out of that slump!
My confidence is shaken a little, to be honest. I'm only human. I can't stay perky all the time despite the "coincidences" that I've become the last person anyone would think, or want, to hang out with.
This sounds horrible. Loneliness is the nastiest thing.
You say that it's usually all different friends who are forgetting to tell you plans are changed and such? If that is the case then don't worry, it's very likely to be nothing to do with your personality at all, just a coincidence that they all act in the same way. Therefore do not let it affect your confidence in yourself.
However, it does sound like it's time to confront these friends about letting you down. Maybe not if the offences happened a while ago but for recent ones, I'd definetly recommend asking them what the hell they were thinking letting you down and not letting you know. And seriously, expect an apology from them. Preferably before they come out with a load of excuses about their phone being out of credit and crap. I had a friend stand me up once and when explaining why, he came out with so many excuses about being out of credit, not being able to use his mother's phone and not being able to contact me on the internet that he forgot to aplogise. These were all valid reasons BUT...he kept failing to understand that he'd hurt me and an apology would make it better, free of charge. He just was so freaking stubborn about it. Well, we had a huge fight and we are now no longer in touch, for many reasons but partly because of this. Apologies make things OK, they soften blows and allow forgiveness to happen. I hope your 'friends' understand that they are in need of giving them to you.
Also, friends who seem to stop wanting to hang around with you is the most depressing thing. A way to possibly deal with it is to mentally stop thinking about them as your current friends. See them as people you have had fun with in the past, but this is the future and you are beginning to move on from them. After all, if they can't be bothered to make the effort to keep the friendship going by making plans with you, maybe they are not worth it.
Finally, you mention college..are you yourself at college? Or do you have a job at the moment? Both these are places where you can meet friendly people, people who are not your actual friends but can still be good for a banter or a chat. This will help keep your spirits up. You sound like a friendly, sociable person who is going through a depressing time, but don't worry, it is likely to pass. Talk to a variety of different people and see if you can find some new friends. Allow this to happen naturally and you are bound to find some kindred spirits.
What can I do about the new friends and acquaintances I make who don't bother to keep me informed of whether they want to hang out or not or have forgotten? They ALL do it and they're ALL different people. I understand and assume it must be some coincidence, but once you're lonely, everything seems likely to be a personal affront.
Youve just recited my life back in year 8. I know exactly how you feel, so if you ever want to vent, send me a note
My situation occured because all my friends changed at highschool, but i didnt. I was still the animals loveing, out there, crazy chick while my friend became the clones, who were obsessed with makeup, clothes and shoes. And thus, it went into an identical situation as yours.
It slowly got worse adn worse, until eventuarly they kicked me out of the hangout. They felt guilty, so took me back (i had nowhere else to go) but after a few days, it went back to original. THEN i stood up.
I got sick of their shit. I had done nothign wrong, adn had been a loyal friend, and did NOT deserve it! All it took was a 'hello' to a girl (kirsty) who had no-one to talk to that day. We got talking, and hung out at lunch. Her and her two friends came and sat with me, adn we became friends (much ot the disgust of my original friends, as we took over half of the hangout). One day when she was away, i got talking to another group of girls, and they invited me into their hangout, saying theyd watched what had happened and that the other girls who were suposed to be my friends were bitches.
I stayed friends with Kirsty adn these new friends for the next 5 years (up to now), and theyve shown me that life is great when youve got good friends...
My suggestion, as hardas it may be, is to NOT waste your life with poor friends. Give it a shot, talk to them about it, say youre hurt but are willing to work it out, and if things dont change, al it takes is a 'hi', and you dunno where it can lead you.
During the 'dark time' when my friends ere acting as yours are, i heard a song caled 'all how you look at it' (by trace adkins i think) and it has become my life motto. It pretty much means you can take anything in life, mix it up and make it good (silver lining kinda thing). In your case, do not look at it as you drifting from your friends, look at it as a chance to make new and better friends, and if youre like me, a chance to improve your people skills.
Keep your chin up. It'll get better! There ARE people out there who are willing to be your friends, and they may just be the greatest friends youll ever come across. They can change your life. Dont waste your time with people who dont deserve YOU!
However, I'm a fairly good people-person. I'm not afraid to put my neck out there and meet new people. But the thing is, everyone I meet forgets about me so quickly. I can't seem to keep the friends I've just made because they don't keep in contact with me and because they don't have the common dignity to let me know upfront if they've changed their mind about hanging out OR that they're sorry for forgetting. I don't hold grudges against people, but I can't help but feel hurt that NO ONE wants to be around me. It just doesn't add up...I try so hard to be myself in all cases, but it's never enough. What it does is damage my self esteem enough to make me not want to venture outside my room sometimes--what's the use, after all? It affects the odds of me ever making and keeping new friends as well as, if ever, finding someone I'm compatible enough to date. It's like an endless depressing cycle and it's been going on ever since last year.
That seems to be the way things go. Gradually all the people I used to know, even the people I used to always hang out with and talk to, they all just drifted away, until basically no one was left. Just lately I was beginning to feel like I was able to rebuild a few old connections and make some pretty good new ones, but then all of a sudden nothing. In all respects, outside of my house (fully understanding parents who built a life on solitude) I only have one person I talk to and see with any frequency. It's been quite a while since I even got wind of anyone else, and at first I thought maybe it was because I wasn't putting any effect into it, but after a while of contacting people that are supposed to be your friends and never getting any responses you just kind of give up on trying.