internal breakdown


laddster's avatar
I want to complain; don't bother about reading and shit aha

I got real fucked up the other night and omg it was good but bad but, like if you've ever chugged a goon bag you know how I'm feeling.
    We were playing goon of fortune and it kept landing on me and like I can chug that shit straight for like a solid 15 seconds, and I got munted really quickly; and I got really fucking drunk so fast that I can barely remember half the shit that happened. 
    And I was so mean like you have no idea; I just sat down next to this guy I know and asked if he actually had a small dick because someone said that he did and I was so blunt about it and like I would've done the same thing without being drunk asf but in a nicer way.
    And like thats all good and true but apparently someone filmed it all, it might have been Gab but I dunno. I've already fucked up pretty bad; my family knows that Im'm like a solid 11/10 fuckup right now and I don't really care.
    Like in the last 3 hours I've had enough questions about contraception and what not than I ever want to deal with in my life. Like damn son I know how to walk into a store and buy a pack of dommies. And my grandma; right shes ignoring the fuck out of me (which would be a really big deal if I wasn't already having this mini breakdown because she is like my mother figure in my life) and I'm kinda just too numb to really care right now. Just because she was born in the bloody 30's and doesn't understand that it is okay to have sex with people and wait for it; like hella shocking - NOT GET PREGNANT. SO amazing what technology and advancements have done. 
    And then dad found out I was baked asf. Like he already knew about my uncontrolled alcohol intake when I desire such. (Even shitty alcohol like goon). Okay so funniest shit is I'm like semi asthmatic, and we were using spin and shit so like I was packing these tiny ass cones but like 5 at a time so I wouldn't fucking die. 
    I don't know man, I've had several important people tell me within the last 12 hours they're disappointed in me. Like damn mate, I already hated myself you don't have to add to it. And all this bullshit is going to be like Christmas for my counsellor. 

I think my greatest problem right now though is the fact that I couldn't even take a sip of the cleanskin without feeling sick from the amount of goon I drank. Like my throat is still recoiling because I was planning on drinking away my worries but I can't so this forum gets to deal with all my shit in one massive hit. Like the moon colliding with earth or some shit.
    Aye and some other real bullshit going on is that some fuckin weird ass repressed memories are reappearing and Im freaking out internally because I don't know how to deal with knowing shit like this and as the awareness of it grows I'm just feeling that cloud crawl over me. 
You know thank fuck I don't get hangovers though.


And then, the other shit is getting to me about how I'm never really going to make it in life; like as hard as I try its never gonna be enough. Like I'm in the advanced maths class right and my english grade was dropping because I focused on the maths I was doing and like damn; alright you can't have both they are polar topics. I can't have them both good at once. Well I probably could but tbh fuck that level of stress. If I did that I would be back on the tops of buildings wondering if it would be that easy. Damn I'm a depressing mess of bullshit. 
    But like its really getting to me like; I want to go somewhere with my art and all but I know I can't. I've been told since day one by everyone its a one in a billion chance. And being told I can never live of it and yet its all I want to do. All I want to do is create and entertain and show this world the beautifully cruel vision I see through my own eyes. But then the driven desire to be smart and logical and intelligent that been built into me from day one wants me to build and create as well. But I also have the desire to create to destroy. Like I want to go into medical research, more specifically virology but that always leaves me wondering towards what I could do with virology, like if I were to work with the army or some shit. And all this shit just drives me nuts that I lay myself down numb as fuck as the techno and hip hop vibrate the walls of my room. And Ill lay and sleep all day and get nothing done and hate myself a little more like that. 


I don't know anymore, I think I just need to escape for a while. I'm even at the point right now that someone could say one thing wrong and the next day I'd be hauling my ass on a train to Sydney for a fortnight or so. Show them how much they're fucking with me. 


Hey nah the weirdest shit is I didn't even get in much shit and all like, dad could've screamed and yelled at me but he didn't and that's the part that hurts. Because he doesn't give a damn anymore. And that's probably a fucking glorious thing in the end. hopefully I'll get to live it up and die fast.
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RenamonMega's avatar
While you and Impious bitch I'll be right here waiting for this thread to quickly get buried by new threads.
Impious-Imp's avatar
I'm not going to lie...this thread makes me hate you.

Do you offer anything to society? Anything?
BLACKMAGlC's avatar
If you happen to dislike someone then it is generally more socially accepted to keep it to yourself. I would really appreciate not insulting my friend.
Everyone -irregardless of who they are where they stand- offers some form of contribution to society. They may be a valuable friend to someone who comforts another and makes them feel alright, or they may do plenty of volunteer work for others.
Please do not judge someone based on a few experiences they have had, and if you happen to dislike them then there is no need to outright claim it. Keep it to yourself.
Impious-Imp's avatar
BRO BRO BRO HAVE YOU BEEN TO COMPLAINTS BEFORE?

and have you read her post?  friend or not she's not coming off strong here.
laddster's avatar
I can speak a moderte amount of Chinese (mandarin) but that's about it mate, and Im politically educated and shit like that but thats just meh
Impious-Imp's avatar
Yeah. No.


Sometimes what those Social justice warriors say rings true.

Check your privilege, kid.  You sound like an entitled little shit.
laddster's avatar
more than likely my friend, but you know; I can't do shit for starving kids in Africa or people dealing with war and what not. Might as well live it up for myself, and even if I tried, you have to remember after all, I'm only a fucking child what could I ever do.
Impious-Imp's avatar
You can do plenty.

For starters not acting like a little brat.
laddster's avatar
uh, no. Thats pretty much redesigning my personality mate.
Impious-Imp's avatar
Wait so you're proud of being an insipid little brat?
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1-800-trash's avatar
Also, this should cheer you up.

Knock, Knock?
laddster's avatar
1-800-trash's avatar
Why would you want to get drunk at 15? :ohnoes: Oh wait you live in Australia where it's legal to do that stuff NEVER MIND

One thing I will say though is you probably should've either 1. Condensed this. (long story short, eh?) or 2. Put a TL;DR at the end of the paragraph cuz shit man, that was hard on my eyes :stare:

Plus what you're going through sounds normal. I guess.
laddster's avatar
ahahaha sorry I think?
 
drinking at 15 isnt exactly the most legal thing, in fact its still another 3 years but not many people get their knickers in a twist over it :')
Noctess's avatar
*Reads*
I want to complain; don't bother about reading and shit aha

I got real fucked up the other night ---- I'm already interested lmfaoooo


*EDIT* I can't drink, xD I'm at risk of seizures and heart attacks and shit like that. qwq
laddster's avatar
ahahahahahahaha


I actually feel sorry for you, but alas you will probably outlive me :')
Noctess's avatar
Don't, Alcohol tastes kinda bad for me xD. I only like really smooth vodka cause it tastes like black pebble licorice <3 MMMMMMMM<3
laddster's avatar
true, have you ever tried tia maria though?
Noctess's avatar
Nooo, I'm too young to drink. I'm only 18, in America you have to be 21. So I can't just buy it, my mom let's me try sips sometimes.
laddster's avatar
awh damn, if I was your age right now, I would be plastered at least 3 days a week :') 

Essentially tia maria is a liqueur but its made out of coffee beans; tastes like coffee does the opposite of coffee :')
gvcci-hvcci's avatar
you need all the jesus 
EbolaSparkleBear's avatar
hahahahahahahaaaa!
You're lucky I don't have to shit because I would have