Maybe you're overthinking the concept of frilly panties waaaaaay too much. Besides, the lingerie isn't for you, it's for him. That if anything about be what annoys me about it, but I certainly wouldn't reject the gift either since obviously that's what he wants most of all for valentine's day.
I also really don't get how you can be upset over expecting sex on Valentine's Day if you're in a couple that actively and extravagantly celebrates v-day. That's like, one of a handful of days of the year where you can feel safe knowing there'll be sex to be had.
If it is a day that is "for me" (his words, not mine) then he shouldn't get something that he knows I don't want. It is also not just "frilly panties" but something a bit more extreme that I'm not comfortable with.
Plus, if I'm in a relationship that has sex regularly, why should I feel obligated to engage in sex on a specific day of the year that is "romantic"? I don't enjoy expected sex (my husband usually doesn't either). It really is about personal preferences.
I have the reverse issue! I really enjoy nice lingerie but my partner doesn't care two ways about it and doesn't really understand why I might like to be treated with it some birthday...
But anyway. I think you're going to have to be frank about it.
It's okay for him to buy himself the present of something he'd paticularly like to see you in, but he should be honest about it if that's what he's doing. Pretending that it's "about you" while ignoring your preferences is making it look like more of a dick move than it needed to be.
Yeah that sounds like a good complaint... "It's all about you this year, so here have a present that I like but you don't really. " Anyway, maybe you should try to express to him that you'd prefer just getting flowers or a sweet card? I mean it sounds a bit like a classic boy/girl misunderstanding and it seems those are best solved by simply talking to each other in a honest but calm way.
I've had the 'expensive sexi undies' issue... that and jewelery are my biggest 'uh, whut?' moments... I find both uncomfortable (I don't wear undies, and 99% of jewelery gets in my way and itches... and most of the rest is ugly and/or boring ) ... jewelery is one thing, when its from people who I'm not super close to i appreciate that they got me something... but when its from someone who i'm going out with and KNOWS its not my thing, its just... frustrating.... and upgrades to 'downright dickish' if they act like i then owe them something... *grins* plus, sexii undies are less a gift and more of a 'i dress you up and then sex you' thing -_- not.. the best.. implications...
Well technically he did put a lot of thought into it, if only in a downward direction. If my valentine surprised me with a massage this year I'd be eternally greatful. I'm on physical therapy this month and it hurts like a bastard.
So, I'll try to do my best to be non-opinionated as possible on this. First, amazing work on last year. Sounds like you spoiled him rotten. Lol.
Now to the point.... (I am hoping I read everything right....) Are you sure that he wasn't asking you to wear the lingerie as an idea to spice up things in the relationship?
(I know sometimes that is necessary, because sex isn't always the focus. Sometimes clothing has to be sexy to show off the beauty behind it. One can get used to the same clothing. Now, I know obviously this doesn't mean he has to jump from sexy dresses straight to underwear, but we, as men, do think with the wrong head from time to time.)
(And yes, I am saying he doesn't have to sacrifice your comfort for the desires of his...well, you know.)
I am going to do my best not to defend him, being it seems like a natural response coming from a guy. But I don't want to bash the guy, either.
I am thick headed, hell, I do stupid things all the time. But sometimes subtle hints and reminders help me get to what she wants. I don't know your complete situation being I don't know you. You could be a mother, like my gf, or a student, you could work all the time. I have no idea of the situation, but I hope this helps.
The sentence says "He does not have to sacrifice her comfort." When it should read: "She does not have to sacrifice her comfort."
Her comfort is not his sacrifice to make.
What I am saying doesn't actually have to do so much with the point the poster is making. What I'm saying is that the poster thinks of this sacrifice as belonging to the man, which kind of hints at his own mental view of men/women, viewing the women subconsciously as property of the man--at least that's what his text suggests.
First of all, I do not think of anything belonging to anyone. Especially when it comes to anyone being property. the emphasis was on HER comfort. I believe men and women, when it comes to being in a relationship, as being equals. there has to be a constant push and pull, give and take. Can't be a one sided thing to work. Anyway, my apologies if anything I said seemed sexist. It was not the intent.
For those of you who may check back and see whatever came of all of this:
I was blunt and spoke my mind (again). I told him that they either were 1. too sexy (aka too slutty) or 2 would not fit my bust. He said I needed to change my mind on them and get that idea (that they were slutty) out of my head. He didn't see (or try to see) my point of view. I tried to make a compromise of something sheer and sexy but still girly (similar to this [link] but with a bit more pizazz and completely sheer material). He disliked the idea, called me picky and called off Valentines all together.
Happy Valentines day everyone! Oh and double joy for me since I have my birthday two days before Valentines day too. Since I'm "never pleased" (even thought I've been BEGGING him to romance me with candles, dinner, dancing, flowers, ANYTHING for a few months. He keeps crying that I keep shutting him down but usually I only shut him down during 1. finals, 2.midterms, 3.homework that is DUE THE NEXT DAY. Timing is something he should have looked into a bit closer but he fails to understand that when I try to explain why those nights aren't the right nights to have tried.), he is also talking of canceling all of my birthday plans. I may just get dinner, one present, a song and then he's off to bed. Yay me. He even suggested that perhaps I should just make my own dinner since he probably couldn't even do it right. FANTASTIC!
Thanks to those who have tried to offer suggestions, help and those who have been understanding.
Oh wow, if I was holding back before, now I'm completely confident in calling him an asshole. He has zero consideration for you and your feelings. How you managed to last 4 years is beyond me. I read this story out to my boyfriend and the first thing he jokingly said was "Castration!" and added that your husband is a selfish cock. It seems to me that your whole relationship consisted of him telling his demands and you conforming. And now that you objected, he suddenly overreacts like a little bitch, who is used to always getting his way.
He has never had reasons to think that he could bring things like this to the table. I told him I'd be open to finding more lingerie thinking it would just be a bra and panty set or a babydoll set. When I saw what he wanted, he was shut down and would have been in the past if he had tried that then.
Sadly, one of the other things my boyfriend said is that she sounds like a pushover, so it's no surprise that guy is acting this way towards her. That guy thinks his behavior is acceptable and because she doesn't say anything against, he feels like he can continue with this shit. What a spoiled child this man is.
You shouldn't compromise at the expense of your own comfort. Sure, do stuff for him that you may dislike or downright hate, but only if you're willing and because you know it'll make him happy, NOT because you're being pressured into it.
Yep, you married an asshole. I don't think he really cares about you, and you're already married so it's a bit late to find out... I imagine you don't even want to consider leaving him at least, but it really doesn't seem like he cares.
I'm pretty sure he does care about me. Lingerie is just something we don't talk about for a reason. The link may help explain things. He gets weird and defensive (and STUPID) when his feelings are hurt. With time I'm sure he'll feel like the idiot he was.