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February 7, 2013
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Don't you hate that feeling?

:iconludwigvankickass2:
LudwigvanKickass2 Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2013  Professional Traditional Artist
You know? The feeling that you should kill yourself because life is totally pointless?

So dig this (it's dug, mother fucker!). I have just recently broken out of one of the worst Existential attacks in recent memory. I was staring at some of my recent finished work (it's the best I've ever done, I mean, everything has been building to this set of work) about a month and a half ago. I was just reveling in everything. But little did I know that that feeling of Absurdity was waiting patiently with it's fist out just behind me. And I turned right into the fucking thing.

So from then until earlier today I was a miserable wretch. So held down by the human condition that every emotion I could possibly have was heightened. And what emotion could I possibly have with the feeling of Absurdity? That's right, depression. I was on the brink of suicide so many times that some of my more caring friends were trying to get the men in the white coats to come and get me. It was so horrid that I almost didn't go an hour without weeping uncontrollably.

tl;dr: Feeling of Absurdity, hated existence, wanted to die.

I think it's about time to read The Myth of Sisyphus again.

Anti complaint: I've moved my work to a larger studio. Better light, heat and A/C, and tons of space including a room for storing dried paintings.
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Devious Comments

:iconanvirgin:
AnVirgin Featured By Owner Mar 1, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Ludwig... you didn't call me after that special night we had... you perro
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:iconludwigvankickass2:
LudwigvanKickass2 Featured By Owner Mar 1, 2013  Professional Traditional Artist
Perro? I'm a dog?
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:iconanvirgin:
AnVirgin Featured By Owner Mar 1, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Of course you're a dog... that would explain why you don't know what you're doing to me, Ludwig.
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:iconludwigvankickass2:
LudwigvanKickass2 Featured By Owner Mar 1, 2013  Professional Traditional Artist
I'm a Spanish dog?
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:iconanvirgin:
AnVirgin Featured By Owner Mar 1, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Shhhhh, ludwig... we're over... I can't take these long distance shenanigans
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:iconludwigvankickass2:
LudwigvanKickass2 Featured By Owner Mar 1, 2013  Professional Traditional Artist
Long distance eh?
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:iconanvirgin:
AnVirgin Featured By Owner Mar 1, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I'm sick of playing these games these days.
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:iconludwigvankickass2:
LudwigvanKickass2 Featured By Owner Mar 1, 2013  Professional Traditional Artist
Why are you sick?
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(1 Reply)
:icon0rg:
0rg Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2013
I know exactly how you feel

or, at least somewhat exactly

I generally know how you feel, probably

kind of
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:iconludwigvankickass2:
LudwigvanKickass2 Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2013  Professional Traditional Artist
Maybe?
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:icon0rg:
0rg Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2013
generally
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:iconludwigvankickass2:
LudwigvanKickass2 Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2013  Professional Traditional Artist
Basically.
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:iconpushyreeder:
pushyreeder Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2013  Professional General Artist
this is heavy stuff.
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:iconludwigvankickass2:
LudwigvanKickass2 Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2013  Professional Traditional Artist
Probably.
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:iconayumispender:
AyumiSpender Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2013
Does it count that I feel that way towards not me but 2 people and find their lives totally pointless that I want to kill them?
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:iconludwigvankickass2:
LudwigvanKickass2 Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2013  Professional Traditional Artist
No. It's wrong to hate others.
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:iconayumispender:
AyumiSpender Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2013
Even if they murdered someone and got away with it?
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:iconludwigvankickass2:
LudwigvanKickass2 Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2013  Professional Traditional Artist
OJ?
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:iconayumispender:
AyumiSpender Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2013
Actually it's someone I know. I wouldn't kill someone I never met. I'm not that crazy. (yet)
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:iconludwigvankickass2:
LudwigvanKickass2 Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2013  Professional Traditional Artist
Right.
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:iconsvataben:
Svataben Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I didn't even see this. :hug:

I hope you're feeling a little better. Are you getting help?
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:iconludwigvankickass2:
LudwigvanKickass2 Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2013  Professional Traditional Artist
I'm feeling apathetic right now.

What help could I get? Therapy? Possibly, but what are they going to tell me?
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:iconsvataben:
Svataben Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Maybe therapy. Maybe even medication.

I was on anti dep meds a few years back. Saved my life. I might have to again some day, and I'm ok with that.
These days my emotional base line is a positive safe sort of feeling.
When I was ill, my base line was exhausted misery.
The meds did that. They got me my brain chemistry back.
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:iconludwigvankickass2:
LudwigvanKickass2 Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2013  Professional Traditional Artist
I don't take pills. I request alternative forms of medication when I need it from doctors.
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:iconsvataben:
Svataben Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Oh... Is it an ideological decision or a throat thing, if it's ok that I ask?
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:iconludwigvankickass2:
LudwigvanKickass2 Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2013  Professional Traditional Artist
Pills damage the digestive system, I like to eat.
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:iconsvataben:
Svataben Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Food is good. :nod:
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:iconludwigvankickass2:
LudwigvanKickass2 Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2013  Professional Traditional Artist
Soup is good food.
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(1 Reply)
:iconthegman0:
theGman0 Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2013  Hobbyist
I never had that feeling.
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:iconludwigvankickass2:
LudwigvanKickass2 Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2013  Professional Traditional Artist
You've never had that feeling?
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:iconthegman0:
theGman0 Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2013  Hobbyist
Yes.
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:iconludwigvankickass2:
LudwigvanKickass2 Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2013  Professional Traditional Artist
I find that hard to believe.
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:iconthegman0:
theGman0 Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2013  Hobbyist
Why?
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:iconludwigvankickass2:
LudwigvanKickass2 Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2013  Professional Traditional Artist
Everyone has had an Existentialist crisis. LIFE itself is an Existentialist crisis.
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:iconthegman0:
theGman0 Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2013  Hobbyist
Oh. Well, I have never thought about killing myself.
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:iconludwigvankickass2:
LudwigvanKickass2 Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2013  Professional Traditional Artist
Really? That makes you atypical.
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(1 Reply)
:iconvelvetfish:
VelvetFish Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Student Filmographer
I honestly know that feel, bro.

Life is an absurd phenomenon. Lifeless atoms conjoined together to form something as miraculous and meaningless as life, and it somehow gained the sentience to the point in which it was capable of creating fiction, then comparing it to their own existence and realizing it's own lack of plot, story line, and meaning. The only thing more absurd than that is that is the fact that the only thing killing you right now is the sentience that created and defined you.

My advice; embrace the absurd.

This... all of this... is dumb. Something as complex and improbable as us left to our own devices with no plan or guidelines save for our collective attempts at fiction and meaning. But now that we're here and we're not dead yet, why not make the best of a silly situation? (after all, sentience does have its perks.)

and so what if we're stupidly insignificant compared to the rest of the universe? The only thing that i can think of that values significance is people. If you're worried at how significant you are compared to what the universe would think, rest assured; the rest of the universe doesn't really care how significant something is.

Existence is a weird thing, especially when you're self-aware to the point of realizing it. But hey; you're surrounded by people feeling that exact same humanity/sentience/awareness-of-existence as you are. Some of those people even like you.

and if atoms managed to stay together long enough to form enough cells to maintain a form of life intelligent enough to contemplate existence, and then decided that it liked you, i'd say that's pretty fucking significant.
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:iconludwigvankickass2:
LudwigvanKickass2 Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Professional Traditional Artist
I've embraced the Absurd. I've told a few people this here, Camus's The Myth of Sisyphus gave me the courage to live. It is about the Absurd Paradox (Man wanting Logic and Understanding having to exist in a Universe that gives neither).
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:iconvelvetfish:
VelvetFish Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Student Filmographer
ah; we're on the same page, then.

so, what was the issue you were facing during the crisis?
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:iconludwigvankickass2:
LudwigvanKickass2 Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Professional Traditional Artist
The feeling of The Absurd hit me in the face.
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:iconvelvetfish:
VelvetFish Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Student Filmographer
ah; the actual thought of it was enough to knock the wind out of you, regardless of your acceptance of it.

are you feeling better?
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:iconludwigvankickass2:
LudwigvanKickass2 Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Professional Traditional Artist
No, I thought I was but then it hit again.
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:iconvelvetfish:
VelvetFish Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Student Filmographer
damn. :(

have you tried rereading the book?
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:iconludwigvankickass2:
LudwigvanKickass2 Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013  Professional Traditional Artist
I probably will.
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(1 Reply)
:icongemdrop:
Gemdrop Featured By Owner Feb 23, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
Nope.
I'M FUCKEN PUMPED
PARTAYYYYY
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:iconludwigvankickass2:
LudwigvanKickass2 Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Professional Traditional Artist
Pumped?
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:icongemdrop:
Gemdrop Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
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:iconludwigvankickass2:
LudwigvanKickass2 Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Professional Traditional Artist
Why?
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:icongemdrop:
Gemdrop Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
Because life is wonderful C:
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:iconludwigvankickass2:
LudwigvanKickass2 Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Professional Traditional Artist
It is?
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