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January 17, 2013
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This complaint is about shit

:iconcleverzed:
Cleverzed Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
If you do not want to read about feces then by all means do not proceed.


I really fucking wish my intestines would schedule themselves better. There is 8 hours in a day that I am at work and maybe 6 hours that I am asleep. That leaves a good solid 10 hours of free time during which shitting is welcome to happen. But, nope, it never fails, every day I go to work, start in on job.. doing job stuff, fuck yeah, making moneys, awesome - bowels decide "WELP time for shit."

Shitting is meant to be a leisurely activity. Read some magazine or the back of mouthwash bottle if that's all that happens to be in arm's reach.. play some tetris or someshit, etc. etc. And I dunno if it's just me, but when I have to shit at work or in any other situation that the amount of free time is limited, if you try and hurry, it just fucking doesn't work. The shit progresses to that section of bowels right above your asshole and then your intestine goes "fuck man I dunno about this, all this pressure is making me nervous, maybe we should hold onto this one for a while more" and then it just... STOPS ITS GODDAMN PERISTALSIS. You're left with some shit sitting right in your goddamn rectum and intestines are not doing a goddamn thing to move it anywhere.

I don't enjoy this, my guts don't enjoy this, why the fuck they don't just shit at a time that is more convenient is fucking mystery to me.


Anti-complaint - I am buying a car again fuck yeah.
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Devious Comments

:iconatlantech:
Atlantech Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
play tetris with your shit :nod:
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:iconjonnyaltezza:
JonnyAltezza Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
As people have said said, change your diet. Eat high fiber foods in the morning such as beans and try some peanuts, peanut butter or other high fiber snacks a lunch. You'll be shitting in the evening in no time as long as you have a bit of exercise early in the day and plenty of water. Keep a bottle of water by your side all day at work and work on getting through it by the time you make your journey home. If all else fails have a SMALL glass of prune juice every evening when you get home. Also, try to get through at least two litters of water a day and cut back on coffee.

Being an opiate addict has thought me many things but beating life threatening constipation is may be my most valued. Also, here's a tip. Never eat fiber if you are taking opiates or are dehydrated to any degree, trust me on that.
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:iconoevrlord:
OEVRLORD Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
You just need to force a scheduled time, and eventually your bowels will be like, "Oh, okay. This is a good time then?"
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:iconmidnalovez:
midnalovez Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2013
ugh I was waiting for the bus today and then I felt DAT feeling in my gut...
"FUCK YOU I WAS JUST INSIDE THE SCHOOL AND YOU HAVE TO ACT UP WHILE IM OUTSIDE?!?!"
Half an hour later after coming out of the bathroom it felt like there was fire ants stabbing me with flaming mini knives and/or I felt like I ate 1000 ghost peppers
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:iconzodiacgal:
zodiacgal Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Change yer diet?
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:icondezenerate:
Dezenerate Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2013
I have this problem only when tests are around (being a student instead of a worker). :B
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:iconemopizza:
EmoPizza Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2013   Traditional Artist
:la: Consider changing your eating schedule and maybe your poopy time will change too.
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:iconnosvertu:
Nosvertu Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
My bowels do whatever the goddamn I want, because I have clenching/pushing POWER. I, uh, also have hemmies, but it's the price to pay for such CONTROL.
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:iconcorvalian:
Corvalian Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2013
eat less fiber
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:icon3wyl:
3wyl Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
Your mind is not in tune with your body. :meditation:

My body listens to me quite well, I have to say.. unless I've eaten something wrong, then all shit flies... quite literally sometimes. :O
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:iconcosmicspider:
cosmicspider Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2013
Eventually your bowels should adjust to your new schedule. When I was working at 8am, I used to be able to wake, get ready, shit, and head to work. But then I stopped working and I would have to wake to go poop, wtf. Now it's adjusted to my layabout lifestyle and it worries me a little about what might happen if I get another morning job =p
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:icondemonlight:
demonlight Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2013  Professional Writer

I worked out that, because my shits are relatively short, it costs my employers 1.40 in working time every time I take a dump.


God, I'm a bargain.

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:iconcleverzed:
Cleverzed Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
If they handed me the shit-money directly after I left the restroom I would probably not mind shitting at work.
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:iconshininginthedarkness:
I hope this isn't because you drink a big cup of coffee at the same time every day.
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:iconcleverzed:
Cleverzed Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Well if that's it, then I'm fucked, cause I can't function at job without some caffeine.
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:iconshininginthedarkness:
Just saying it might be a contributing factor.
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:iconkawaii-cookies:
kawaii-cookies Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2013  Student General Artist
I have crappy bowels aswell! :dummy:

high five! :highfive:
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:iconcleverzed:
Cleverzed Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
heh heh
"Crappy" bowels.
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:iconkawaii-cookies:
kawaii-cookies Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2013  Student General Artist
:lol: i just got it :XD:
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:iconsmarticleparticle:
SmarticleParticle Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Eat more fibre.
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:iconcleverzed:
Cleverzed Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
It's not the shitting itself that's the problem. It's the timing of the shits.
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:iconsmarticleparticle:
SmarticleParticle Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Maybe you could take a laxative in the morning to empty your bowels? :shrug: idk
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:icon3wyl:
3wyl Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
And fruits and veggies? And water? :la:
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:iconsmarticleparticle:
SmarticleParticle Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Anyone who can eat water has my eternal respect. :clap:
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:icon3wyl:
3wyl Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
YUS!


Just need to freeze it and suck it, is all. :la:
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:iconsmarticleparticle:
SmarticleParticle Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
THAT'S WHAT HE SAID :la:
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:icon3wyl:
3wyl Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
S.
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:iconoevrlord:
OEVRLORD Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Ice.
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:iconsmarticleparticle:
SmarticleParticle Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
...touche.
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:icon290pika:
290Pika Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2013  Student Filmographer
I hate it when my body's working up a poop and makes me feel like I'm gonna get sick. I mean like, I get hot like I've been out in the sun, my stomach aches and gurgles, and I run to the bathroom, only to find out I poop and it feels better. This doesn't happen often, but it's frequent enough to be annoying.
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:iconemopizza:
EmoPizza Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2013   Traditional Artist
Ermahgerd. I have that happen all the time. Turned out I had an ulcer, a bacterial infection and IBS. Yay! I'm on a pill to limit my stomach acid and I am almost better all the time now!
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:icon290pika:
290Pika Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2013  Student Filmographer


It's not terribly frequent for me. Usually it's from if I eat something that upsets my stomach, like spicy food, or if I haven't been regular for some reason. :lol: But it always seems to happen when I'm busy doing something.
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:iconcleverzed:
Cleverzed Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
That.. doesn't sound too normal.
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:icon290pika:
290Pika Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2013  Student Filmographer
It doesn't happen frequently. I think it's usually a result of constipation or eating something that upsets my bowels, like spicy food or vegetables that don't break down properly. :shifty:
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:iconsapphire-ashesx:
Sapphire-Ashesx Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2013
I.. agree. :stare:
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:iconsspirate:
SSPirate Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
oh hey, same thing happens for me sometimes while I'm at work.
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:iconticklyroach:
TicklyRoach Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Why the fuck are you complaining? You get paid to shit. I would shit at work if I could, but my bowels activate with my intake of morning cereal, so I shit just before I brush my teeth, which is a total waste of pecious morning time.
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:iconcleverzed:
Cleverzed Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Maybe I'm an idiot for it, but I sort of hate being at work but not working, heh. Makes me feel like some kind of lazy fuck to be sitting around in the restroom waiting on my intestines.
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:iconticklyroach:
TicklyRoach Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I guess it's healthy to care about your work performance. But it's not like they can fire you because of your unfortunate bowel movements. Have you considered having a can of prunes ready on your desk? After a handful of those I promise there will be nothing left sitting in your rectum.
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:iconcleverzed:
Cleverzed Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Man, I'd rather just shit sometime I'm /not/ at work.

Besides, I haven' got a desk.
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:iconticklyroach:
TicklyRoach Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I totally understand that. And I guess nobody wants to be known as the guy who keeps popping prunes and spending hours in the restroom at work.
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:iconpuzzledheartbox:
PuzzledHeartBox Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2013
:pat:
This thread makes me so happy to have nice and friendly bowels :dummy:

What car :O
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:iconcleverzed:
Cleverzed Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Sort of shitty car that I'm buying from some family, don't remember what model.. it's got some caved in bit in front of the wheel, but it doesn't affect how it runs so just means I'm getting it cheaper. Better than nothing, by a lot, heh.
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:iconpuzzledheartbox:
PuzzledHeartBox Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2013
Well yeah, I guess o.o
So how much are you paying for the junk on wheels :bucktooth:?

what was your old account again?
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:iconcleverzed:
Cleverzed Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
*Valgaror

Aaand not sure yet, since it's from some family member.
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:iconpuzzledheartbox:
PuzzledHeartBox Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2013
Ah indeed, how come you're using a different account?

Let's hope he/she feels generous :p
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:iconcleverzed:
Cleverzed Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I wanted to clean out shit from the old one - gallery, favs, messages, groups, people I watched and all - but I was too goddamn lazy, so just made one for a fresh start. I might still try and clear out the old shit though, dunno.

Sounded like he would let me pay for it over a few months instead of all at once. So that should be pretty nice.
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:iconpuzzledheartbox:
PuzzledHeartBox Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2013
Well, it's up to you really.
But I'd personally just clean out my old one :shrug:
Alas you got premium - already..

Oh that's good, I have yet to get my driver's license :lol:
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