Grar
TL;DR - I guess if I want to talk openly about my life, I'm going to be forced to join a fucking support group.
Okay. In July, my step-mother died of natural causes. In September, my father committed suicide. This is a part of my life. This is something that causes me pain, that really fucking sucks, but that is a part of my history. Sometimes, I just want to be able to talk about things. Normally, this doesn't present any problems. But for some reason, suicide really throws a wrench in the works. It's like no one knows what to say to me. It doesn't matter how open and honest I am, people want to walk on egg-shells. Or, they think they know exactly how I feel and exactly how I should feel, because they have a cousin whose friend committed suicide seven years ago.
I want to be able to have a frank conversation with my friends, without them feeling like they're going to say something wrong or offensive. I want to be able to say "he shot himself" without people looking sideways at each other like they're waiting for me to break down.
Why can't I grieve in the same way anyone else who lost a parent does? Why am I supposed to be angry? Why is it surprising when I'm not? I lost a fucking father. That's what I'm feeling. I'm not angry, and I don't need you to tell me that I must just be surpressing my feelings. You wouldn't say that to anyone who had lost a parent under any other circumstances. I lost a parent. Fucking deal with it. Stop pushing your own expectations of how suicide impacts people onto me and my situation.
Okay. In July, my step-mother died of natural causes. In September, my father committed suicide. This is a part of my life. This is something that causes me pain, that really fucking sucks, but that is a part of my history. Sometimes, I just want to be able to talk about things. Normally, this doesn't present any problems. But for some reason, suicide really throws a wrench in the works. It's like no one knows what to say to me. It doesn't matter how open and honest I am, people want to walk on egg-shells. Or, they think they know exactly how I feel and exactly how I should feel, because they have a cousin whose friend committed suicide seven years ago.
I want to be able to have a frank conversation with my friends, without them feeling like they're going to say something wrong or offensive. I want to be able to say "he shot himself" without people looking sideways at each other like they're waiting for me to break down.
Why can't I grieve in the same way anyone else who lost a parent does? Why am I supposed to be angry? Why is it surprising when I'm not? I lost a fucking father. That's what I'm feeling. I'm not angry, and I don't need you to tell me that I must just be surpressing my feelings. You wouldn't say that to anyone who had lost a parent under any other circumstances. I lost a parent. Fucking deal with it. Stop pushing your own expectations of how suicide impacts people onto me and my situation.
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I kind of get that. My dad didn't commit suicide, though, he OD'd. And I don't think "Well, he's dead", I think "It's about time". He was a horrible father that caused lots of problems for my family. I feel bad that he died and all, but honestly, his death has had more positive reproductions than negative ones. None of my friends, and even some of my family, don't understand that. They're all acting like they were dad's best fucking friend, they're so distraught, despite the fact that that he was a two-faced backstabber, and fucked all of them over plenty of times. Then they assume I'm devastated over the death of this asswipe I barely knew.
That was longer than I thought it would be...
That was longer than I thought it would be...
i think when no one knows what to say to someone who's in that situation, it's because they don't know what you're going through mentally, and it makes them very uncomfortable. even if they've known you forever, they aren't sure of how you'll react to them trying to comfort you.
I think that's most of the issue, though. I'm not looking for comfort. I just want to be able to talk, openly, freely, about things that are happening in my life. I want to be able to say "Wow, last semester really sucked, what with everyone dying," and not have my friends shy away from me or be shocked by my "flippant" attitude. I just want my own reactions to be acceptable, and for some reason, they're not.
then your friends need to understand that this is your way of grieving, even if it's not up to their common standard of grieving.
I agree. Unfortunately, they don't see that, and they don't understand it when I try to explain.
Generally people will imply that you are feeling something because their past experiences with those emotions were harder for them to express. They push it onto you, in hopes of helping you; though obviously this isn't very often effective. It's not like many of us are coached on how to treat those who have lost someone close to them.
And I get that, to an extent. What I don't understand is being told that I'm "doing it wrong" somehow. For example, I had a woman, a very close family friend, ask me if I was angry. When I told her no, she looked me up and down and said "you will be". So what if I'm not? Does that mean there's something wrong with me, if I never get angry? Because I still haven't, and she still expects me to. It's frustrating, like some how my own responses aren't adequate for everyone else. But they're not the ones experiencing what I'm experiencing.
If you truly believe that your method of copying has nothing wrong with it, then I would recommend trying to let other people's opinions about it simply slide. They could also be setting this in place for the day when you will apparently become angry, so that they can be right, or so that you know that it will be perfectly acceptable when you do. And since you supposedly never will, then there is nothing much else to it.
Except for the fact that I would like to be able to talk about this significant part of my life without having people tell me how I should respond to it. It's not about other people's opinions. It's about literally being unable to open my mouth to discuss this world-changing experience without having people tell me that I'm grieving incorrectly. I want to be able to talk about losing my father, not about the fact that he blew his brains about, which is all ANYONE seems capable of focusing on. I can't just be someone who lost a parent, because no one will LET me be that.
Get friends who understand you better, then dump your life problems on them.
What? I should put an ad out in the paper? "Seeking non-judgmental friends for the child of a suicidal father"? My friends are good people, they just don't know how to deal with this, and it's frustrating for me.You should do just that.
indeed, and not many of will go through that either. thus, we don't know how we'd react in that situation, cause we're from different backgrounds and such. (personality will play a part too.)
Basically.