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December 3, 2012
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Vibrators, man-bashing, and creams guaranteed to give you a yeast infection

:iconsspirate:
SSPirate Featured By Owner Dec 3, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
So I went to my friendís new apartment this evening, and itís a great little place- but her and her mom were hosting a vibrator/spa/lingerie party thing. Itís basically a Tupperware party but with different stuff. If youíre not familiar with those- a person comes to your house and tries to sell you and your friends all sorts of useless shit.

I was looking forward to this and was at first having a good time(until I had a really bad IBS reaction to some sausage I ate and had to run to the bathroom like every ten fucking minutes to shit my guts out but hey what can ya do right)

Anyway.

The lady who was presenting was really... Anti-man. Not like actual man-hating stuff, but the comments she made were extremely off-putting. She was basically implying that fucking yourself with a toy would be more pleasurable than fucking a man. Or that his cock wasnít good enough and it needed a fancy cockring. Or that a manís taste is disgusting and you should put these flavoured lubes on it and stuff. And. Itís just. No. I donít like that talk. Itís awful. Itís sexist. It skeeved me the fuck out, and luckily I wasnít alone in that because my other friend there was also skeeved out and told me ALL about it while we walked back home.

The presenter also had these spa-shit things she was going on about, like foot rubs and hand creams and nipple tinglers and she had us all put the nipple tingler on our lips and I had some and it burned IT BURNED OH MY GOD IT BURNED IT WAS AWFUL (and she didn't believe me when I told her it fucking burned and she said that was "normal." Fuck you, lady- feeling like I have hot coals on my mouth ISN'T NORMAL) and then she brought out this series of creams youíre supposed to shove up your cooch and put it on your g-spot to make it "puff out" and "easier to find" and "more pleasurable." and there was another one that supposedly tightens the walls of your vagina??? and that just sounds like a bad, awful, no-good time for your vagina. It's a delicate thing and shoving up some random "pleasure" creams in there PROBABLY isn't the best idea.

The vibrators were disappointing as hell, to. They were expensive knock-offs of better brands and looked cheap as hell, to. The knock-off of the rabbit was horrifying. The lingerie was all really dull and basically the kinda stuff you could find at any boring mall-lingerie store.

And the lady had the nerve to try and sell me some supplemental/medicinal shake/meal replacement thing that will ďguarantee take away most of your IBS symptoms!Ē

Just. Fuck off.



I was there to see my friends, though. And that was fine. The walk home was good and helped my system calm down quite a bit. So Iím glad for that. But Iíll never go to any party hosted by that presenter or the company she represents again. Ugh. Gross.
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Devious Comments

:icontheartistrodriguez:
TheArtistRodriguez Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2012  Professional General Artist
What type of sausage was it? Bratwurst?
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:iconblazegryph:
blazegryph Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
That sounds horribad indeed! >:T
I mean, if you're going to get stuff like that, wouldn't you want to go straight for the things that are more reputable/won't mess up ladybits? And the anti-man stuff, seriously. Adsilfh. I wonder if she had some sort of bad experience or something... which would be better taken care of through talking to someone versus selling could-be-dangerous creams and medication. Kudos for not telling her though, I probably would have snapped.
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:iconandymagnuseth:
AndyMagnuseth Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
can i kill this person like holy shit wow no
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:iconhewhoflewandfell:
Hewhoflewandfell Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2012
.....0.o. lol I'm sorry, this was funny.

Girls girls, I will not claim to know how a vibrator feels shoved inside, but remember, you're never going to be able to guilt that vibrator into pampering you like a princess.
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:iconhorrificsensation:
HorrificSensation Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2012
haha i laughed the whole time i was reading this XD funny story
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:iconsapphire-ashesx:
Sapphire-Ashesx Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2012
:stare: So disturbing.
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:iconleapinglela:
LeapingLela Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I tried that cooch cream once before. NEVER AGAIN! Worse experience of my life.
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:icontazzie98:
Tazzie98 Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2012
Has she tried a bigger dick? I know the size isn't always about everything but....
I wouldn't be suprised if she had sex doll that vibrates.
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:iconmujaki-violet:
Mujaki-Violet Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Burning nipples...LOL -thinks of burning man instantly-
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:iconthenecco:
TheNecco Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2012  Student General Artist
Well, if you think about it, vibrators, dildos, etc have been specifically modified for greater pleasure, so in a way they are 'better', but it doesn't mean men are useless or bad or insufficient.
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:iconwizardofunseen:
WizardOfUnseen Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
That is a really stupid idea for a party in my opinion. Parties are supposed to be about having fun, not having someone sell you things you usually don't need. My condolences. :pat:
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:iconpink-porcupine:
pink-porcupine Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
All those sort of "jobs" are big scams, so I feel sort of bad for anyone who gets suckered into them.
Besides being anti-male, it seems you have to be anti-female to a certain degree to sell shit to do stuff like that to your lady parts. (the burning creams and "tightening" products, not the vibrators.) I tried a "warming lube" once years ago. It killed the mood fast when I had to run to the bathroom and crouch/ squat in the bathtub with my crotch positioned under the faucet, trying to make the burning stop with cold water. :(
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:iconmaliciousbunny:
MaliciousBunny Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2012  Student General Artist
That "Warming Lube" sounds like a form of torture :ohnoes:
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:iconmistersali:
MisterSali Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2012   Traditional Artist
Hahaha, that was a good read! I would never invite some evil human into my home to sell my random fucked up plastic shit. :)
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:iconkinrift:
Kinrift Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2012
Sounds totally fucking stupid. :lol:
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:iconash-ketchum09:
ash-ketchum09 Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2012  Student Digital Artist
My mum used to do those. They were called Ann Summers' parties, after the sex-toy shop. When we were younger, we were kicked out of the house, and not really told what was going on, so I naturally assumed that it was something illicit. :lol:

Also, I like skeeved as a word.
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:iconrockstar1009:
rockstar1009 Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
It's the future dammit! We have defibrillators and pacemakers and prosthetic joints. Where are the implanted cock vibrators?

...wait a tick. I've just had a brilliant idea for an invention. Who wants in on it? We'll make trillions! :mwahaha:
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:iconpookinator:
Pookinator Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2012
Make it multipurpose - synch it up with your smart phone and you'd have an alarm clock or schedule reminder that you just couldn't ignore.
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:iconthecobaltocean:
TheCobaltOcean Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Good luck to you :O
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:iconself-epidemic:
Self-Epidemic Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
I tried a cock ring once, it didn't really work. >:
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:iconrobstrand:
RobStrand Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2012
Is this what women do in there spare time? Sell each other sex toys?

SWell i;m going to do the exact same thing with men, only i will be selling fishing lures, shotguns and whiskey.
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:iconcrazylittleloon:
Crazylittleloon Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2012  Student Writer
GIMME THE WHISKEY.
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:iconpuzzledheartbox:
PuzzledHeartBox Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2012
NO NO, YOU'RE TOO YOUNG TO DRINK, I'LL BE TAKING THAT :bucktooth:
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:iconcrazylittleloon:
Crazylittleloon Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2012  Student Writer
I'm old enough to drink in Germany.
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:iconpuzzledheartbox:
PuzzledHeartBox Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2012
Too bad you're not in Germany now are you little miss?
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:iconcrazylittleloon:
Crazylittleloon Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2012  Student Writer
:grump:
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:iconpuzzledheartbox:
PuzzledHeartBox Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2012
:iconteheplz:
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:iconthecobaltocean:
TheCobaltOcean Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
This guy has the right idea :D
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:iconrobstrand:
RobStrand Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2012
I think Im making a business out of this...
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:iconthecobaltocean:
TheCobaltOcean Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Good luck to you!
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:iconsspirate:
SSPirate Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I wish someone would try to sell me shotguns and whiskey. :C
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:iconowlbuddy:
owlbuddy Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
The whole story sounds like something out of the late 70s. :stare:
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:iconsspirate:
SSPirate Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
It felt that way to
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:iconsimplylemie:
SimplyLemie Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2012
They had one of those parties on the Student Pub where I live. Or they tried. Ended up with the girl who arranged it just sat in a corner with sex-toys spread over a couple of tables and drunk guys playing with vibrators. I don't think she got many orders that day.

Everyone thought there was going to be more of a show, like turn the music down and let her present what she had to show... she tried that at a couple of tables, but at the end she most seemed bothered and as if she wanted to leave.
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:iconmaddalinamocanu:
MaddalinaMocanu Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
I would have just said the same things as you but out loud... "Sorry, lady, but FUCK OFF!!!"
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:iconkizziesama:
Kizziesama Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012
Maybe she's terribly anti-man because none of them want any part of her puffed-out cooch :lol: And as such, she's left to advertise the sex toys that fill her "forever alone" time :nod:
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:iconcrimeroyale:
CrimeRoyale Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Professional
Randomly selling people IBS medicine? This surely will end well.
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:iconsspirate:
SSPirate Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
yeah no, anyone selling me IBS medicine gets a big "this is probs bullshit" reaction from me.
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:iconthecobaltocean:
TheCobaltOcean Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Agreed, though it's the worst shit ever... No pun intended.
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:iconcrimeroyale:
CrimeRoyale Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Professional
I just... who brings that to ANY sort of social function in the first place, let alone offer it to people you don't know anything about?!
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:iconpineapple-snail:
Pineapple-Snail Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Sucks how society is afraid of the natural way the body is - it's hairy and doesn't smell of roses. And there's nothing wrong with that. I'm not opposed to toys etc. but yeah talking like you NEED them = no.
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:iconalzircon:
alzircon Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Have you actually put a dick in your mouth before? I mean seriously, those things STINK. The only time junk doesn't stink is if it's been washed in the past 1-2 hours. For me smell is a major turn off, so if I can get my hands on something smelling of cherries rather than piss+sweat, I'll take it.

Other than that, the lady sounded annoying.
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:iconsspirate:
SSPirate Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
:lol: I'd only do it after he's had a shower.

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:iconalzircon:
alzircon Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Exactly. I make my boyfriend shower first, otherwise it's not going anywhere near my face. But there are conditions that make a shower unavailable, like when we went camping. Flavoured lube came in handy at that point.
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:iconsspirate:
SSPirate Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Yeah, in that situation it totally makes sense. :lol:
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:iconalzircon:
alzircon Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I don't like those tingly things, they makes my junk BUUURRRRRRN.:noes:
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:icondrackar:
drackar Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
...If you're sleeping with men who have unwashed junk, you need to raise your standards a tad.
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:iconalzircon:
alzircon Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Name me a single person, regardless of gender, who showers every two hours.:roll:
If my boyfriend wants a blowjob, I make him have a shower first.
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:icondrackar:
drackar Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
If it's seriously every two hours, even without any physical exertion that would make him smell bad elsewhere...that sounds like a health issue.
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:iconalzircon:
alzircon Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Going for a wee will leave a smell, too. Even if you wipe, you're just smearing it across your junk, not washing it off. It's not a health issue, it's natural.:shrug:
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