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January 31, 2013
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Does this entice you? (Tell me what you think!)

:iconlydiamay:
Lydiamay Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
All of us are born with an unspoken belief in immortality. We cannot comprehend the idea that life can end. So we live life blissfully unaware and reckless. Not matter the warnings of our parents to look both ways before crossing the street, to wear a helmet when riding a bike, and to never, ever talk to strangers, we can only laugh and wonder: What could possibly happen? And so we live until death reaches an unforgiving hand into our world and makes it very clear just how fragile we are.

My life was not an exception. This was made clear one evening when death came knocking at the passenger door of a shiny blue Ford, and someone had to answer...
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:iconslimoracle:
slimoracle Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
The first paragraph is a pretty good introduction. It makes the reader think about their own feelings on immortality; is it the same? Is it different? How so? I read it and I go "Yeah, I can relate to this." If the reader can relate somewhat to the story, it'll hook them better.

The second paragraph intrigues me. I'm curious as to what happens next. I'm sure others would feel the same way.
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:iconhurricaneclaw:
Hurricaneclaw Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
As others might have said, first paragraph is meh, but the last part is pretty interesting. I would take out the first part, or if you really want it, put it as some sort of intro or summary or something but shorter and more to the point.
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:iconlupina24:
Lupina24 Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
The first paragraph came off like a droll prologue, giving the theme of the story away at the get go. When you mentioned death knocking on the door of a blue Ford; that's where it hooked me.
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:iconlydiamay:
Lydiamay Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Good to know, thanks. I'm glad at least the last part got you!
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:iconlupina24:
Lupina24 Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I would think the last part would be the best place to begin your story.
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:iconvglory:
vglory Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2013
All you have told me that that a young (?) person has an encounter with something (?) while in a car. So: no.
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:iconmerrak:
merrak Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013  Hobbyist
I have to agree with `saintartaud. What's the story? I'd drop us into that, first. If the first paragraph is coming from a narrator we've invested in and care about, it wouldn't feel so much like an essay. But at the beginning, we don't even know who the narrator is.

I'm guilty of writing little "lectures" like these myself. As I've had pointed out to me, they often don't add much to the story. Sometimes, they can even insult or offend your reader. (See ^neurotype's comment). I'm not saying this one doesn't add anything. It's hard to tell without having the full story. But, working this deeper into the story might be something to consider.
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:iconlydiamay:
Lydiamay Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thanks! I'm actually considering typing up two or three different opening "pages" in different styles to see what flows and sets the theme best. Maybe I'll post those and see what people think then! I'll see if I can chop this "lecture" off and save it for later then. :meow:
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:iconmerrak:
merrak Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013  Hobbyist
I think the best feedback you're going to get will come from someone who has read the entire manuscript. At the very least, provide the entire first chapter. It's difficult to give proper feedback on just an opening with no other context.

Part of a good opening is how well it leads into what follows.
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:iconlydiamay:
Lydiamay Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I'm far from finishing the entire manuscript, but I think I'll take your 1st chapter advice. Maybe I'll post the first chapter and a plot preview (like on the backs of books) to give better context. :meow:
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