InvaderLiz-TheCatFeatured By OwnerJan 1, 2013Hobbyist General Artist
I already told you earlier today, but I'll just repeat it again. And if you cant handle critism, don't ask for it. If you want to edit it, I would just simply start over. Why? Here is a list:
~ Details are used to make things easier to picture and give them a good, gloomy, hateful, or joyful mood. You do not have good details, and the story seems too short. For example, in chapter one, you said; "I awoke with a jolt. 'It was that dream again..." I thought. I shoved my blankets off and streched." How to help it -Describe how the character feels instead of a simple "I awoke with a jolt" You could use this: "I suddenly woke up from a dangerous nightmare. It felt so real...almost like an omen, or prophecy. It always surprised me. "Why does it keep following me, that dream?" I said to myself. A few seconds later I ignored it and just did my normal routine. Strech, comb your hair. etc."
~ Grammar makes a story look MUCH better. Of course, you'd never get your literature published if you had so many grammar mistakes. If you don't yet, spell check and revise your grammar before you submit it to deviantart. (This is a big thing to me, because sometimes I can be a Grammar Nazi) Just some quick things. Apostraphies ( ' ) always go before the "s" only when you are talking about someone owning an object, with the exception of "it" Itsossesion of an item It's=It is. Apostraphies need to be used with words like you're, it's, aren't, etc.
I hate to say this, but I attempted to have some sympathy for you, but I keep reading each of your caps lock rages and I just laugh. A tip, quit using text talk such as den (I hope it was text talk) and just looking at each of your comments I can tell you have some grammar issues which is understandable, but when you post a forum "Why doesn't anyone like my book?" expect some criticism, quit getting infuriated by someone who is just trying to help. Take into consideration the next handful of people that will give you reasons as to why your book is not the greatest piece in the world, don't get angry.
I had written out in the critique I left you for your first chapter reasons that probably lead to it, mainly which are grammar/spelling/punctuation related. If those aspects were cleaned up both in your stories and your responses to people as a whole, people would take you more seriously and then perhaps appreciate your attempts at your work more.
You probably wrote that shit in 10 mins, all of it. The story line is rubbish, no one likes a merry sue character, you cant spell, you dont use grammar, you dont use full sentences, your characters are shit, you cant write, you have no good plot, no one can understand what on earth is going except the fact people are hitting on your merry sue girl.
We hate you for a reason so stop denying the facts you attention whore, no one in their right mind will help you. You created this hell for yourself so now you have to suffer this hell.
See? Even when someone likes to read your stuff you go in capslock-rage. I said (((((fan))))) fiction. I mean both fanfiction and just fiction. To be honest, yesterday I dicided to write something while I was drunk and that is even better than what you write.
Your ex posted a comment fifteen minutes after you made the journal stating that she was fine and had just "served you cookies".
If your mother had really died, I would be more sympathetic. As it stands, you're nothing but a fake little girl, crying wolf just because you can. When you say something truthful at long last, no one will believe you.