Please read the forum stickies before posting. If you would like critique on this piece, please use the critique thread. If you want to share your work, please use the thumbshare forum or try a +Groups.
You want the thumbshare forum, or the critique thread at the top of this forum (if you want critique). This thread will probably be locked.
That aside, I think you'll receive more responses if you format your text so it is easier to read. Right now you have two big paragraphs. The text blurs together. I gave up after line two because my eyes kept getting lost in the words.
Fortunately, that's easy to fix. At the very least, break to a new paragraph at the end of each speaker's dialogue line. That alone would break up the wall-of-text into easily readable lines.